friends - 101 Phoebe: Oooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes... that can't be good. friends - 101 Rachel: (On the phone with her dad) Well maybe that's my decision. Well maybe I don't need your money. Wait, wait, I said "maybe"! friends - 101 Ross: (Holding up a can of beer) This was Carol's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can. I should've known. friends - 101 Joey: (To Monica) Come on. You're going out with a guy, there must be something wrong with him. Chandler: Alright Joey, be nice. (To Monica) So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? friends - 101 Rachel: (Talking to her dad on the phone) It's like all my life everyone has always told me you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, and today I stopped and I said what if I don't want to be a shoe, what if I wanna be a purse or or a hat. friends - 101 Phoebe: (Singing) Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art But your love, oh your love, Your love is like a giant pigeon Crapping on my heart. La la la la la... friends - 101 Ross: (To Phoebe) Nuh-uh, no, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura! friends - 101 Phoebe: (To Monica) Wait! Does he eat chalk? Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl. friends - 101 Rachel: They're my, "I don't need my boyfriend, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots", boots. friends - 101 Ross: I just want to be married again. (Rachel runs into Central Perk wearing her wedding dress) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars friends - 101 Everybody: (Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards) Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel: (Cuts a card]) You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel, that was a library card. (Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card) Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. friends - 101 Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? friends - 101 Monica: This is not even a real date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. friends - 101 Ross: (On how long it's been since he's had sex) Do the words 'Billy, Don't Be a Hero' mean anything to you? friends - 101 Ross: (Sounding depressed) Hi. Joey: This guy says "Hello" and I wanna kill myself. friends - 101 Monica: (Finding Joey and Chandler in her apartment) Oh good, Lenny and Squiggy are here. friends - 101 Chandler: Alright kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference. friends - 101 Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud? friends - 101 Monica: (To Rachel) Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it! friends - 101 Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. friends - 101 Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. friends - 101 Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? friends - 102 (Discussing baby names) Ross: What about Julia? Carol: Julia! Susan: We agreed on Minnie. Ross: It's funny, we (Gestures to Carol) agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches! friends - 102 Rachel: (On phone) Hi Mindy. Hi it's Rachel. Yeah, fine. I saw Barry today. Uh yeah, yeah, he told me. No, well it's ok. Really. It's ok, really. I hope you two are very happy. I really do, and well Min - ya know - if everything works out and you guys end up getting married and having kids and everything... I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. friends - 102 Phoebe: Monica you're scaring me. You're getting all chaotic and twirly... and not in a good way. friends - 102 Mr. Geller: I'm not going to tell you what they spent on that wedding. But 40 thousand dollars is a lot of money. friends - 102 Rachel: (To Phoebe) You're a twin? Phoebe: Oh yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered driven career type. Chandler: What does she do? Phoebe: She's a waitress. friends - 102 Ross: (About the statue of the cavewoman) She looks angry. Marsha: Well, she has issues. Ross: Does she? Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet. Ross: Okay, these are... cave people. They have issues like 'gee, that glacier's getting awfully close.' friends - 102 Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? Chandler: I don't know but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. friends - 102 Chandler: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! friends - 103 Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? friends - 103 Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... friends - 103 Ross: A thumb? Phoebe: I know. I know. I opened it up, and there is was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker. Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five." friends - 103 Phoebe: Yes! Like that man in the shoe! Ross: What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe... for a while. friends - 103 Monica: Do you guys ever think Alan might be a little too Alan. Rachel: No, you can never be too Alan. Ross: It's his innate Alan-ness that we adore. Chandler: I could personally stand about a gallon of Alan. friends - 103 Chandler: I'm sick of you guys with your "lung cancer" and your "emphysema," when the fact is smoking's cool, and you know it. friends - 103 Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing! Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! friends - 103 Phoebe: I'll give you $7,000 if you quit smoking! Chandler: Yeah, OK. friends - 103 Chandler: 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.' friends - 104 Monica: It's the credit card people. They say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my credit card in weeks! Monica: That is the unusual activity. friends - 104 Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest... And bigger boobs! friends - 104 Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine? Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why? friends - 104 Monica: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: Probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live. Ross: Uh Joey... OM-nipotent. Joey: You are? I'm so sorry. friends - 104 Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that! friends - 104 Rachel: Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money? friends - 105 Monica: (Looking out window) Oh, god help us. Joey: What? Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww! friends - 105 Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you. Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. friends - 105 Phoebe: (To Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible. Ross: That guy, he burns me up. Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. friends - 105 Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know. friends - 105 Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! Joey: No plans, huh? Chandler: Not a one. friends - 105 Rachel: Oh please, you guys can pee standing up. Chandler: We can? Ok, I'm trying that. friends - 105 Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. friends - 106 Phoebe: You know how you sometimes see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys? You could be one of those guys! friends - 106 Phoebe: One time I went out with a guy who had just gotten divorced, and it was really hard. His kids liked me better than him. friends - 106 Chandler: She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men. friends - 107 Phoebe: Can I use the phone? I need to call my apartment and check on my grandma. Phoebe: Wait, what's my number? (Monica looks at her weird) Phoebe: What, I never call me. friends - 107 Phoebe: I am going to sing a song about that moment when you suddenly realise what life is about. (Plays a note) (Lights go out) Phoebe: Okay, thank you very much. friends - 107 Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. Paolo: Thing? Ross: Thing, yes. Thing. Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex? Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. friends - 107 Phoebe: (Singing) New York City has no power, And the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, Cause I stay away from dairy... friends - 107 Chandler: (Thinking to himself) Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it. friends - 107 Ross: (About him and Carol having sex in Disneyland) The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. friends - 107 Jill: Would you like to call somebody? Chandler: (Thinking to himself) Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. friends - 107 Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. friends - 107 Ross: So you do know a little English? Paolo: Poco... a leetle. Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel? Paolo: No. Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! friends - 107 Monica: Who am I going to meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? friends - 108 Joey: (Looking at a picture) Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Ross: (Looking) No no, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something. friends - 108 Phoebe: (At Nana's funeral) God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise! friends - 108 Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral? Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man. friends - 108 Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Monica: That's probably what they'll say. Mr. Geller: I'd like that. friends - 108 Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: (Exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. friends - 108 Ross: No no, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. (Think that Chandler was gay) Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't? Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so... friends - 108 Rachel: (To Chandler) When I first met you... I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. friends - 109 Monica: And I assume Chandler, you're still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays. Chandler: Yes every single one of them. friends - 109 (Toasting Thanksgiving) Chandler: Alright I'd like to propose a toast, a little toast here . Ding, ding! I know this isn't exactly the kind of thanksgiving that all of you planned, but for me, this has been really great. You know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway I was just thinking, I mean,if you had gone to Vail or if guys had been with your family or if you didn't have syphillis and stuff... we wouldn't be all together you know so i guess what i'm trying to say is I'm very thankful that all your Thanksgivings sucked. Everyone Else:That's so sweet! Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas! Rachel: And a crappy new year. Chandler: Here, Here! friends - 109 Monica: (Holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me? Joey: Oh, I will. Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. Monica: Make a wish? Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. (They rip the sandwich in two halfs) Phoebe: Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Joey: The bigger half. friends - 109 Ross: (Singing to Carol's stomach) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts. friends - 109 Ross: (Talking to Carol's stomach) And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a foetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. friends - 109 Ross: Do you, uh, do you talk about me? Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Ross: Really? Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy. friends - 109 Ross: (On inviting Carol over for Thanksgiving dinner) (Mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner. friends - 109 Monica: (About Joey's modeling job) Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"? Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute. Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be? Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (Crosses fingers) Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it. friends - 109 (Joey enters, his face looks colorful and shiny) Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. friends - 109 Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: (Deadpan) Well, you know you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. friends - 110 Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Ross: Look, I didn't wanna leave him alone. All right? We... we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he threw some feces... Chandler: You know, if you're gonna work late I could look in on him for you. Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not, like, doing it as a favor to me. Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie. friends - 110 (Ross enters Monica's party with Marcel on his shoulders) Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table. friends - 110 Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her annoying Janice laugh) Chandler: You remember Janice. Monica: Vividly. friends - 110 Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much? Ross: Just a smidge. friends - 110 Phoebe: (Singing) I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? friends - 110 Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. friends - 110 Ross: It's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathet- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. friends - 110 Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass! friends - 110 Ross: That would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No. No, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend, Bethel, rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? friends - 111 Phoebe: (singing) You don't have to be awake to be my man. As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, there's something I have got to say... (speaking) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break. friends - 111 Chandler: What was that? Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, Mother-Kisser? friends - 111 Rachel: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh, oh, and on page two he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. Monica: What's a 'niffle'? Joey: You can usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist. Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! friends - 111 Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. friends - 111 Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paulo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora, um, Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was just being nice! friends - 111 Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.' friends - 111 Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this? Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. friends - 111 Mrs. Bing: Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? friends - 111 Joey: (After catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom) I'll just go pee in the street. friends - 111 Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom. friends - 111 Mrs. Bing: (On TV) I bought my son his first condoms. (Pause) Chandler: And then he burst into flames. friends - 112 Chandler: That's patio furniture. Joey: So what? People are like gonna come in and think: "Uh-oh, I'm outside again"? friends - 112 Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool... It says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. Chandler: And we're done with the yoghurt. friends - 112 Ross: (About Rachel and Paolo) What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (Pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration! friends - 112 Rachel: We are way past the fling thing. I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books. friends - 113 Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on? Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel) Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?! Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies. friends - 113 Chandler: (About Rachel) She's still upset because I saw her boobies. Ross: You what? What were you doing seeing her boobies? Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts. friends - 113 (Chandler and Joey notice that a woman is sitting by their door) Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered. friends - 113 Rachel: (About Chandler) Fasten your seat belts, it's pee-pee time. friends - 113 Joey: ...and my sister Tina found out she can't see her husband anymore because he has a restraining order. I know that doesn't have anything to do with this, but it's just that I found out today. friends - 113 Chandler: I'll show you to my room... That sounds weird when it's not followed by 'Sorry, its late.' friends - 113 Roger: Actually, it's quite, you know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know, this sort of codependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups - which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them. And you're all like: (Whiny voice) 'I need love! I need love! Define me! Define me! Love me! I need love!...' friends - 113 Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boys or... I'll end up like my mom. friends - 113 Chandler: You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies. Rachel: 'Nice?' They were 'nice?' I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'. Chandler: (Illustrating) Okay. Rock. Hard place. Me. friends - 113 Ross: Since you saw her boobies, I think you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee. friends - 114 Phoebe: (While doing the ritual) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. friends - 114 Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend. Kristin: You mean they're lovers. Ross: If you wanna put a label on it. friends - 114 Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess friends - 114 Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian - I don't think we need a third... friends - 114 Fireman #1: You guys didn't tell them that you're married, did you? Fireman #2: Are you kidding? I didn't even tell my girlfriend, I'm not telling them. friends - 114 Carol: (To Ross) All you need is a woman who likes men and you're set. (Ross looks at a beautiful woman passing by) Carol: Not her. friends - 114 Janice: (To Chandler) I bought you something. Chandler: Is it loaded? friends - 114 Chandler: How can I dump her on Valentine's Day? Joey: I don't know you did it on New Years. Chandler: Oh man! Next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush. friends - 114 Phoebe: (While burning their ex-boyfriend's stuff) Ooh ooh, here is my dinner receipt from when I was dating Nackolononokalonka. friends - 114 Carol: You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you. Ross: That's easy for you to say. You found one already. friends - 114 Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off me. I'm not even sure what 'slathering' is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it. Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me. Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. Lorraine: (To waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please? Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. Chandler: I hope she throws up on you. friends - 115 Steve: (after spilling a bag of Gummy Bears) Oh no! Bears overboard! They're -- they're drowning! Hey fellas, grab onto a Sugar O, save yourselves! (starts throwing Sugar O's cereal to the Gummy Bears) friends - 115 Chandler: (talking to his former boss on the telephone) Yeah, I miss you too. It's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? friends - 115 Celia: Say something... hot. Ross: (Panicked) Er... um... Celia: What? Ross: Um... uh... vulva. friends - 115 Ross: (On his plans for his date tonight) Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey. Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically. friends - 115 Joey: (Teaching Ross to talk dirty) If you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you want to caress my butt! friends - 115 Ross: Hey guys. Does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a thirty-two-ounce steak, it's free. Ross: Okay. Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma? friends - 115 Steve: Oooh! Taco shells! You know what these are? They're like little corn envelopes! friends - 115 Steve: Oooh! Tartlets! Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning friends - 115 Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! friends - 116 Chandler: Hey, where you been? Joey: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. Chandler: Score. friends - 116 Ross: (About Chandler dating an employee) You don't dip your pen in the company ink. friends - 116 Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class. Chandler: (Mocking) Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym. friends - 116 Joey: Hey, have you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler: Only if you order stuff... Joey: I'm taking Ursula there, it's her birthday. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday? Joey: When's that? Ross: Tonight! Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening? friends - 116 (Ross tries to console Carol about childbirth) Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!" friends - 116 Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Joey: Yeah... Chandler: Let's not do that anymore. friends - 116 Joey: Pheebs, you think it would be okay if I asked out your sister? Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there. Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but er, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay! friends - 116 Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today? Phoebe: Ooo, ooo, fun. Liam Neeson! Morley Safer! The woman who cuts my hair! Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game. friends - 117 Monica: (Pretending to be Rachel) See, I was supposed to get married, but I left the guy at the altar. Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish but, hey, that's me! friends - 118 Rachel: (After winning a hand of poker. Sing-song to Ross) I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open. (Pause) Rachel: Ha, I made you look. friends - 118 (When Monica calls Ross competitive) Phoebe: Hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black. friends - 118 Rachel: (To Ross) So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: (Pause) Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from IKEA. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. friends - 118 Phoebe: Hey, you know what I just realised? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J'. Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'. friends - 118 Rachel: Guys, guys, guess what, guess what? Chandler: Hmm, I don't know... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident? friends - 119 Rachel: (To Marcel) Did you poo in the shoe? friends - 119 Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1980's when that phrase was last used. friends - 119 Monica: Pheebs? You know how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there's not always time. friends - 119 Joey: All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room. friends - 120 Chandler: I feel violated...(pause) and not in a good way. friends - 120 Monica: Isn't this the same Barry you left at the altar? Joey: Duh, where have you been? friends - 120 Phoebe: Stop being so testosteroney! Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. friends - 120 Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that! I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty. Joey: No way... Mr. Salty is a sailor, right? He's gotta be, like, the toughest snack there is. friends - 121 Ross: I just got back from the vet. Chandler: She's not going to make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? friends - 121 Dance Instructor: You can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes, and have a nightmare? friends - 121 Monica: You have got to do something about the humping! Ross: What? It's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey. friends - 121 Chandler: Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin? Joey: Stalin! Stalin. Do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me! Joey: Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good! Chandler: Hey, you know, you might wanna try "Joseph." Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! friends - 121 Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?! Chandler: You're kidding! Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. friends - 121 Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. friends - 122 Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream! Chandler: I-I'm sorry... it was a one time thing, I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious... friends - 122 Rachel: Off to see young Ethan? Monica: Thank you. Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young? Monica: He's... our age. Chandler: When we were? Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college. Ross: College? Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. Rachel: What? Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22? Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26. Monica: (Getting annoyed) I am 26. Phoebe: There you go. friends - 122 Monica: Oh God, I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial! Ethan: I just had sex! friends - 123 Monica: (Seeing a woman with newborn twins) No fair! I don't even have ONE! friends - 123 Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? Joey: I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars! Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s. friends - 123 Monica: Is there something fundamentally unmarryable about me? Chandler: (Scrambling) Uh... Monica: Well? Chandler: (Pulling an imaginary ripcord) Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack! friends - 123 Carol: What does he look like? Ross: (Studying him) Kind of like my Uncle Ed covered in Jello. friends - 123 Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you! Susan: (Beaming) Thanks. Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these! Chandler: I know. I still am one of these. friends - 123 Carol: (About her contractions) I love them! Each one's like a little party in my uterus! friends - 124 Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. friends - 124 Chandler: Men are here! Joey: We make fire! Cook meat! Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back! friends - 124 Joey: If I wanna get the money, I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what I mean. Monica: Joey, we always know what you mean. friends - 124 Chandler: Rachel! I love you! Deal with me first! friends - 124 Monica: You're going to China? Ross: (Not wanting to get into it) It's for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone. They don't want us to have the bone. I'm going to try to persuade them to give us the bone. It's a whole big bone thing. friends - 124 (Ross bought Rachel an expensive pin for her birthday) Monica: I can't believe he did this. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: (Panicked) Ahem... um... Crystal duck. Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... "love" part? Chandler: (Stuttering incoherently) F-hah... flennin... Rachel: Oh... my God. Chandler: (Rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no... Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. friends - 124 Phoebe: (Learning what Joey will earn for his sperm donation) Wow, you're gonna be making money hand over fist. friends - 124 Ross: I'm going to China. Joey: The country? Ross: No, the big pile of dishes in my mom's breakroom. friends - 124 Joey: It's like I'm able to appreciate it on another level! Chandler: I didn't know you had another level. friends - 201 Ross: We have to get some sleep. It's really six o'clock tomorrow night our time. Chandler: Okay, but don't tell me what happens cause I like to be surprised! friends - 201 Rachel: Excuse me, who gave her our phone number? Phoebe: Okay, well who had the motive? Was it the actor? The chef? The masseuse? Or... was it the guy who's dating her? Joey: Guy who's dating! Guy who's dating her! friends - 201 Joey: I've been with my share of women... In fact, I've been with a lot of people's share of women. friends - 201 Chandler: Hey, anybody know a good tailor? Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been going to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait, 16. No, excuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990? Chandler: Okay, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance. friends - 201 Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years. Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite... Ross: What? (Chandler closes his eyes) Chandler: Cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants? Ross: Yes, yes it is... IN PRISON! friends - 201 Rachel: Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic! friends - 201 Ross: Hey, Paolo. What are you doing here? Paolo: I do Raquel! friends - 202 Carol: You think my breast milk's gross? Susan: Oh, this should be fun. Ross: No no, Carol... it's just that I don't think breast milk is for adults. Chandler: Although, the packaging does appeal to adults and kids alike. friends - 202 Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? This is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby sucking on it. friends - 202 Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping. Rachel: Oh. Oh my God. Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure! Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out! friends - 202 Ross: It's breast milk. Phoebe: So? Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person! friends - 203 Monica: Look at all this crap! Chandler: Actually I believe this place sullies the good name of crap. friends - 203 Chandler: Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. friends - 203 Ross: You don't believe in gravity? Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed! (Knocking on the door) Chandler: Uh oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. friends - 203 Chandler: You always assume you're going to find somebody. But what if I NEVER find anybody? Or even worse, what if I've already found the right woman but dumped her cause she pronounces it "supposably?" friends - 203 Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel: Okay, you win. friends - 203 Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler: Maureen Rosilla. Ross: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. friends - 203 Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, okay? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same! Bitter Town! Aloneville! Hermit Junction! friends - 203 Joey: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. friends - 204 (After Ross walks by extremely happy) Old woman on bench: Well, somebody got some last night. Ross: Twice. friends - 204 Chandler: (about his third nipple) It's just a tiny bump, it doesn't even do anything! Rachel: Oh, as opposed to your other, multi-functional nipples? friends - 204 Ross: Oh darn it... we're all out of milk. (Holds the pitcher up to Chandler's chest} Hey, Chandler, will you fill me up here? friends - 205 Rachel: I will have the [ahem] (Speaks softly) side salad. Waiter: And what will that be on the side of? Rachel: I don't know; why don't you just put it right here next to my water? friends - 206 (Flipping a coin to choose between ducks and clowns) Joey: All right... ducks are heads, because ducks... have heads. Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? friends - 206 Phoebe: I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget. Lather, rinse, repeat and lather, rinse, repeat and lather, rinse, repeat as needed. friends - 206 Caroline: I think it's great you guys are doing this. Chandler: Well, we are great guys. Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? friends - 206 Phoebe: Terry's a jerk! And he won't let me work! And I hate Central Perk! You're all invited to bite me! friends - 207 Ross: How'd your date go? Rachel: (Hungover) I think there was a restaurant. I know there was wine. friends - 207 Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea? Phoebe: Mm... hmm. Joey: This man is my god! friends - 207 Monica: Come on, give me five more. Five more. Chandler: (weakly) No. Monica: Five more and I'll flash you. friends - 207 Ross: (To Rachel) What? You're over me? When were you... under me? friends - 208 Chandler: I know this must be so be so hard, oh no two women love me, they're both gorgous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight! friends - 208 {Reading made up story instead of The List) Chandler: (clears his throat) It was summer...and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end. friends - 208 Phoebe: (Sampling Mockolate chip cookies) Oh, sweet lord, this is what evil must taste like! friends - 208 Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS. Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? Chandler: Games and stuff. friends - 208 Joey: Ross, listen. I got two words for you: Threesome. friends - 208 Ross: And, uh, and then I kissed her. Joey: Tongue? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Cool. friends - 209 Chandler: You know, I remember my father... all dressed up in the red suit, with the big black boots and the leather belt. Sneaking around downstairs, he didn't want anybody to see him, but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. Rachel: That doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas? friends - 209 Monica: (About Phoebe) I hope she's okay. Joey: Yeah, I know exactly what she's going through. Monica: How do you know exactly what she's going through. Joey: She told us. friends - 209 Phoebe: Oh, Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God! You should see the size of his Christmas balls. friends - 209 Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. Chandler: Pheebs, let me ask you something... Were... were these, uh, "funny" brownies? Phoebe: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them! friends - 210 Monica: See now, they're as different as night and... later that night. friends - 210 Chandler: This is good, cos if we ever lose Ross we have a spare! friends - 210 Chandler: The way I see it you get a great job and you get to have sex! Throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas! friends - 210 Phoebe: We could do a soap opera thing! Chandler: Yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. friends - 211 Mrs. Green: Monica! You look gorgeous! Oh, my! The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. friends - 211 Monica: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! Chandler: Monica! I feel like you should have German subtitles! friends - 211 Ross: And you had no idea that they weren't getting along? Rachel: None! Joey: They didn't fight a lot? Rachel: No, they didn't even talk to each other! How was I supposed to know they were having problems? friends - 211 Ross: She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. Joey: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever! friends - 211 Chandler: I think lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would have been called Silence of the Ducks. friends - 212 Phoebe: Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up And that's how we get hamburgers. Noooowwwww chickens! friends - 212 Joey: I am not Drake! Ross: That's right! He's not! He is Hans Ramoret, Drake's evil twin! Erica: Is this true? Rachel: Yes! Yes! And I know this beacuse, uh, he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! (Throws the water in her glass on Joey) Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! (Throws her water on Joey) Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! (Throws his water on Joey) friends - 212 Ross: I'm gonna go visit Marcel at the zoo and surprise him. Chandler: You know what? I think he will be surprised until he realizes he's a monkey! And, you know, not capable of that emotion. friends - 212 Zookeeper: Please! You believe everything the zoo tells you? Ross: Actually, this is the first thing the zoo's ever told me. friends - 212 Joey: Hey, hey, check it out! Guess what I got! Chandler: Rhythm? friends - 214 Ross: I was saving you. Rachel: Saving me from the nice conversation with the interesting man, saving me? friends - 214 (after getting off the phone with Rachel's date, Casey) Ross: Do you have any idea what he wants to do with her? Chandler: Well I'm guessing do a little dance. You know, make a little love. Well, pretty much just get down tonight. friends - 214 Joey: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life? Chandler: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. friends - 214 Phoebe: I think I'm ready for my penis now. friends - 214 Phoebe: (About Ross and Rachel) He's her lobster! friends - 214 Chandler: What's this? Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. friends - 214 Joey: Some girl ate Monica!! Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? friends - 215 Ross: (on the phone) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display! No. No. No, no, Homo-habilus was erect, Australopithicus was never fully erect. Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous. friends - 215 The first time Phoebe sees Richard, he's wearing a tux Phoebe: It's James Bond! friends - 216 Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie! friends - 216 Chandler: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister? friends - 218 Tilly: I'm Tilly. Chandler: Oh. Tilly: I gather by that oh that he told you about me. Chandler: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul. friends - 218 (after Chandler telling everyone Eddie ripped the soles out of all of his shoes) Monica: Why would he do that? Chandler: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend, and killed his fish. Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with have to kill a fish. friends - 219 Chandler: Ding dong! The psycho's gone! friends - 219 Chandler: Hannibal Lecter... Better roommate than you! friends - 219 Joey: I fell down an elevator shaft. Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche. Joey: What? Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children. friends - 219 Eddie: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is? Chandler: Your last roommate's kidney? friends - 219 Chandler: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog. friends - 219 Rachel: This is about you stealing my wind! Ross: Your wind? Rachel: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? friends - 220 Phoebe: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself. friends - 220 Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?" friends - 220 Phoebe: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes, I've heard of this. Monica: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfulness is baked right in. Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees. I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease. Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming? friends - 221 Joey: Monica. Relax. Go get a beer. Monica: I don't want a beer! Joey: Who said it was for you? friends - 221 Rachel: What happened to, uh, MEG? Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is "get out before they go down." Joey: That is so not my motto! friends - 222 Joey: Mr. Green, why don't we go in the bedroom and put your coat on the bed? Mr. Green: Uh, sure. That sounds like a two-person job. friends - 222 Mr. Green: So what's the deal here? Rachel comes home and we all jump up and say "surprise"? Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? friends - 222 Rachel: Can you keep my dad occupied? I'm gonna go talk to Mom for a while. Ross: Okay. Do you have any ideas for any openers? Rachel: Just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter!" and you should be okay. friends - 223 Monica: My boyfriend doesn't have a thing! Richard: See, if anyone out there heard that, I didn't come off well. friends - 224 Phoebe: (To Chandler, regarding the woman he has been talking to online) What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip. friends - 224 Phoebe: We're just trying to figure out if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl. Joey: Oh, well just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men. Chandler: How do you not fall down more? friends - 301 Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine. Use my happy place. Okay, I'm just... I'm gonna have to ask that you don't move anything in there. Monica: Do you think breaking-up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: Alright, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay? Just the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me. I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: Alright, betting and wagering of any kind are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. friends - 301 Rachel: Did you ever do the... the Leia thing? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, uh-huh. Oh! Rachel: Really! That... that great, huh? Phoebe: No, it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! friends - 301 Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace... Phoebe: Oh, okay, that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought, okay it's, like, a mouse or a possum. But then I realised, like, okay, where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call? friends - 301 (Joey is watching "Wheel of Fortune", the letters read OUNT RUSH ORE) Joey: This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore. Chandler: You know you should really go on this show. (later) Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore. Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy who painted the faces on the mountain? friends - 301 Chandler: This may be the real thing, capital R, capital T! (Joey stares blankly) Chandler: Don't worry, those are the right letters! friends - 302 Joey: Alright... they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. Chandler: Taste it. Joey: Yep, it's fat! I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know. I did that two minutes ago. friends - 302 Chandler (Ss Joey leaves): Oh ho, he'll be back! (Looks around) Oh ho, there's nobody in the room. friends - 302 (Joey starts to walk out of the apartment with the chair cushions) Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you never said anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence! friends - 302 Joey: You hide my underwear, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of stealing somebody's underpants! Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... friends - 302 Chandler: I wrote a song today called... GET UP friends - 302 (Chandler is sitting on Joey in order to get the chair) Chandler: (uncomfortably): I am so comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable... Chandler: All right. (he jumps up) friends - 302 Chandler: In the words of a.a. milne: 'Get out of my chair, dillhole!' friends - 302 Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company...or maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. Phoebe: Yeah, I think after this he'll be doing that himself. friends - 302 Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? friends - 302 Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, um, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux, okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. friends - 302 Chandler: (walking out of the bathroom holding an issue of Cosmo) So I took the quiz, and it turns out I do put career before men. friends - 302 Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep! Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days. friends - 303 Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance! friends - 303 (Joey enters the room with a sling on his arm) Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? Joey: No. I had a whole cover story, but Chandler here sold me out. Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe, I didn't think the doctor would buy that it just fell out of the socket. friends - 303 Chandler: (Thinking) Look at all that room on her side! You good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time! I'm huggin', I'm huggin', you're rollin', and... yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! Arm stuck! Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1... 2... 3! friends - 303 Phoebe: Okay, first... I'm not crazy. And second... say it, don't spray it. friends - 303 Monica: Hey, look at me! I'm making jam... been at it since 4 O'clock this morning. Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? Monica: Went down to the docks. Hey, betcha didn't know you can get it wholesale. Rachel: I didn't know there were docks. friends - 303 Chandler: Okay Joe, I gotta ask. The hot girl from the xerox place buck naked (he gestures with his one hand), or a big tub of jam (he gestures with his other hand)? Joey: Put your hands together. friends - 303 Monica: I'm going into business, people. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man...and what's the opposite of man? Jam! friends - 303 Joey: Remember when your mom would send you to the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon? Rachel: (pats Joey on the head) You're so pretty. friends - 304 Monica: Pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. Rachel: And grumpy! Chandler: Would you stop naming dwarves! friends - 304 Chandler: I'm having a party! It's right here in Chelsea! Janice: So who's the party for? Chandler: ......Chelsea. friends - 304 Joey: Oh yeah. Go for it, man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind! Chandler: Yeah Joe. I assure you if I'm ever staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much gonna be peeing every which way. friends - 305 Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982? friends - 305 (After Joey puts a toilet brush over the hole he gouged in the bathroom floor) Monica: Aw, that's nice. We can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! friends - 305 Chandler: (Seeing Joey's huge carpentry project) So what happened, did a forest tick you off? friends - 305 Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya? Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!! friends - 305 Joey: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail? Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You're building a post office? friends - 305 Isabella Rossellini: Oh, you know what? You were on my list of five goofy coffeehouse guys I could sleep with, but yesterday you got bumped for that guy over there! friends - 306 Phoebe: Oh, that's so unfortunate. Monica: What? Phoebe: Cute naked guy's starting to put on weight. friends - 306 Monica: You wanna hear something that sucks? Chandler: Do I ever! friends - 306 Chandler: (About roommate applicants) ...and one guy I'm not sure about because when I answered the phone, "Chandler Bing." He said, "Woah, short message." friends - 306 Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckles, we weren't making any noise! Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don't play the oboe. Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe. Phoebe: Well, then I'm going to have to ask you to keep it down. (Slams the door) friends - 306 Monica: Get ready for me to whip your butt! Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool! friends - 306 Ross: I think my marriage is over. Phoebe: Why? Ross: Because Carol's a lesbian...and I'm not...and apparently it's not a mix-and-match situation... friends - 307 Chandler: If i was a superhero who could fly and be invincible, that would be the best. friends - 307 (Joey is humming in his head) Phoebe: (in her head) Who's singing? friends - 307 Phoebe: (to kid in race car bed) Hi. You know, in England, this bed would be on the other side of the store friends - 307 Monica: (in her head) Oh great. Another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? friends - 308 Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger, too, to bring down something that big. friends - 308 Rachel: Phoebe, you're in pain. Would you just go to the dentist? Just go. Phoebe: Alright, fine, fine. But if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. friends - 308 Joey: If the homosapiens were in fact that why they're extinct? Ross: Joey, homosapiens are people! Joey: Hey, I'm not judging! friends - 309 Joey: Come on man, you have not done anything since you and her broke up. Chandler: Thats not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals. friends - 309 Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater! friends - 309 Phoebe: We should play football more often. Rachel: Maybe there's like a league we could join or something. Phoebe: Isn't there a national football league? Chandler: Yes, there is. They play Sundays and Monday nights. Rachel: Aw, shoot. I work Monday nights. friends - 309 Rachel: C'mon, throw it to me, they never cover me! Monica: Honey, there's a reason. friends - 309 Joey: Wow, you're like from a whole other country. Margha: I am Dutch. Joey: Hi, I'm Joey. Margha: I am Margha. Joey: I'm sorry, Dutch, I didn't catch that last part? friends - 309 Monica: (In a sing-song voice) 42 to 21, like the turkey Ross is done! friends - 309 Chandler: Wait a minute, how are we going to get there because my mom won't let me cross the street! friends - 309 Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: And the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from. friends - 309 Rachel: (to Ross) Do you wanna play football? Ross: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football. Joey: Says who? Your mom? Monica and Ross: Yeah. friends - 309 Monica: Losers walk! Ross: Yeah, losers talk! Chandler: No, no, no, actually, losers rhyme. friends - 309 Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is...(to Joey)...the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! friends - 310 Rachel: Ah that's funny! You're a funny guy Chandler! And you know what else is really funny? Chandler: (Hesitantly) Something else I might have said? friends - 310 Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best! Chandler: It's like "Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees." friends - 310 Gunther: Next I'm going to show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. friends - 310 Gunther: Rachel, remind me to review with you which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles? Gunther: You would think. friends - 310 (Ross is telling everyone how he accidently hit a little girl with a tennis racket as Chandler is reading a newspaper) Ross: I feel really bad Chandler: Hmmm, it says here a character from Sesame Street got wacked last night. Where exactly were you around sevenish.? friends - 311 Ross: What's Joey gonna do when he finds out you blew his sister off with a letter? Chandler: That's the part where you tell him I moved to France. (Ross looks at Chandler) Chandler: ...When actually I'll be in Cuba. friends - 311 Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there anymore because I drank it! friends - 311 Chandler: I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica: Yeah...that was me. Chandler: Sorry...when I've been drinking too much, I can get a little overfriendly. Monica: That's okay. Rachel: That's okay. Ross: (after a moment, sadly says) That's okay. friends - 312 Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you guys get a magician? Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then alright. friends - 313 Joey: All blank and no blank makes blank a blank blank. Oh, and the end, when Jack almost kills them all with that blank but in the last second they get away! Rachel: Joey! I can't believe you just did that! Chandler: I can't believe she cracked your code. friends - 313 Joey: Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her! Ross: Uh, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine. Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean it's lika a girl-girl thing? Cause that's the one thing missing from The Shining! Chandler: No actually Laurie's a boy. Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times! friends - 314 Chandler: Just had me a little nubbinectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in High School. Rachel: What? Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler: That was an obvious joke; and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers! Oh dear God, what have I done! friends - 314 Leslie: Okay, my next song's called, "Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say? I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn'ta Left You That Way." Phoebe: Oh no, one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs. friends - 314 Phoebe: (Singing a song) Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore, go to hell, go to hell, go to hell jingle whore. friends - 315 Phoebe: (barging into the apartment) I need an atlas! I need an atlas! Monica: Why, do you have a report due? friends - 315 Monica: So what country is he from? Phoebe: Kazhg...kazt.... there's a "g" in there. Monica: (referring to the country's location) Where is that? Phoebe: In your atlas! friends - 316 Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No! Not the used wax. Chandler: Because that would be crazy?! friends - 316 Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. friends - 316 Phoebe: Should we do something? Chandler: Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel. friends - 316 Rachel: (Ordering a pizza) We'd like to order a large pizza. Ross: (To Rachel) No anchovies. Rachel: With extra anchovies. Ross: That's all right; I'll just pick 'em off. Rachel: And could you please chop some up and put them right there in the sauce? friends - 316 Joey: Ross, I'm onboard with the total honesty thing, I am... just not about stuff that's going to get you in trouble. friends - 316 Joey: Do you think I need a new walk? I mean, I've had the same walk since high school. And then you see these guys who walk into a room and everyone notices them. I think I need a "take-notice" walk! Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? friends - 316 Monica: (after pulling the Waxine strip off her leg) Owww! Owww! This is so not pain-LESS, this is so pain-FUL! Phoebe: Well, the Waxine girls don't think so. Monica: It's because their nerves have been deadened by their stupidity! friends - 316 (Monica and Phoebe squeal and scream as they pull the Waxine strips off each other's legs, and Chandler and Joey enter hastily) Joey: What? What? What's going on??? Monica: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler: Off? friends - 316 Phoebe: They've been quiet for a really long time now. Joey: Maybe she killed him. friends - 316 Phoebe: (after a painful leg-waxing) This happens to be a pain no man will ever experience. Chandler: I don't think you can make that statement until you've been kicked in an area God only meant to be treated nicely. friends - 316 Phoebe: (on the phone) Hi, it's Phoebe. Someone needs to take my 9:00, because it's like, 9:15, and I'm not there. friends - 317 Monica: What's "PLEH"? Joey: That's "help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica: Ah... What's "dufus" spelled backwards? friends - 317 Chandler: You know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. friends - 317 Rachel (To Ross): Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with somone else? friends - 317 Joey: It's never taken me more than a week to get over a relationship. Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. friends - 318 Frank Jr.: You know, I would storm out of here right now, if I had some money, or a place to go... friends - 318 Chandler: (about his locked briefcase) You know, I forgot the combination to this a year ago? I just carry it around. friends - 318 Monica: The only reason you want to go out with me is because of the blonde wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food. Pete Becker: Well, if that were true I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out, it was just plain awkward. friends - 318 Gunther (taking a drag off of Chandler's cigarette): Oh, Dark Mother...once again I suckle at your smoky teat. friends - 319 Phoebe: Oh you know what you should do? You should buy a state and then name it after yourself! Pete: What, like Pete Dakota? Phoebe: Or Mississi-Pete. friends - 319 Ross: How did the date go with Mr Millionaire? Chandler: Mr Millionarire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately! friends - 319 Rachel (after Mark kisses her): I'm sorry, Mark, I can't do this. I'm just doing this to get back at Ross. It's not fair to you. Mark: Ah, fair, schmair! If you want to get back at Ross, I'm here for you! friends - 319 Joey: She thinks she's the greatest actress since...since sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, sliced bread: a wonderful Lady Macbeth. friends - 320 Kate: He happens to be brilliant, which is more than I can say about that sweater you're dating. Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater, alright? It's what underneath her sweater that counts. friends - 321 Chandler (to the chick): That's Yasmine Bleeth. She's a different kind of chick friends - 321 Phoebe: Do you guys know anything about chicks? Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? (pause) No. friends - 321 (Monica is trying to guess what Phoebe knows and can't tell her) Monica: Does it involve... clogs? Phoebe: Wait, "clogs," or "claws?" Monica: Clogs. Phoebe: No. Monica: Claws? Phoebe: No. friends - 321 (Ross is doing Rachel's makeup) Ross: Okay, there you go. Rachel (looks in the mirror): Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the...transsexual from purchasing. friends - 321 Chandler: Good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR!? friends - 322 Director: (Reading a review of the play) "Joey Tribbiani gave an uneven performance as the lead, Victor. However Mr. Tribbiani was not the worst part of this production." Joey: Yes!!! friends - 322 Joey: (After the critics trash Kate's performance) Drama critics are just people who couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do? Kate: Become a drama critic. friends - 322 Joey: I don't get you, Kate. First you hate me, then you sleep with me, then you want nothing to do with me, and now you want me again? Kate: What, you've never dated an actress before? friends - 323 Ross: Monica is right, marriage is a very serious thing, you shouldn't just rush into it! Rachel: Oh what do you know, you married a lesbian! friends - 324 Chandler: I don't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom. Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy. friends - 324 Pete: The day will come when kids will argue over who would win a fight: Me or Superman. Now I'm not saying I could be Superman, but kids are stupid. friends - 324 Rachel: (On the subject of congratulatory butt-slapping) I don't understand guys. I'd never congratulate Monica on a great stew by grabbing her boob. Chandler: Yeah, for a really great stew you just stick your head in between them. Monica: Can we please go eat? Ross: Yeah, what are we getting? Monica: Anything but stew. friends - 324 Rachel: You said she was bald! Phoebe: Yes, she was, she's not now. Rachel: How could you not tell me she has hair? Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly say that about people! friends - 324 Monica: You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Pete: You know, I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm and a severely bruised Adam's apple, but THAT really hurt. friends - 324 Phoebe: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality. Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality? Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie's the best! friends - 324 Chandler: Have you ever wondered if there's a town in Missouri or something named Sample? And then as you're driving to the town there's like, a sign that says, "You're in Sample?" friends - 325 (When Bonnie goes down to the beach with shaved head) Rachel(about Bonnie's head): It's not that bad Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing of her head! friends - 325 Joey: If you go with Bonnie you're doing the smart, sensible thing and moving on, and, if you go with Rachel, does that mean Bonnie's free tonight? friends - 325 Ross: Rache, you balded my girlfriend! friends - 325 Chandler: If worse comes to worse, I'll be your boyfriend. Monica: (laughs) Yeah right. friends - 325 (Rachel is wearing a gigantic hat) Rachel: Well, excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends. I am here to tell you that hats are back. Phoebe: And this time they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat! friends - 325 (Bonnie has just arrived at the beach house) Joey: We're playing strip "Happy Days" game! Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! (takes off her sweater) friends - 401 Bonnie: Thanks a million. Rachel: You're welcome a million. Bonnie(to Ross): Come on, smell it. Ross: (smells her head): Mmmm, minty. friends - 401 Phoebe: You walked out on me and I'm gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Sr.: Wait. Phoebe: I don't ever wanna see you again. (Phoebe walks out) (Phoebe walks back in with he hand over her eyes) Phoebe: Where's my purse? friends - 401 Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ehh. Chandler: I've got canned goods! friends - 401 Rachel: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over! Ross: (Makes fake crying noises) FINE BY ME!! friends - 401 ChandlerL (Wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 'Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!' Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. JoeyL (Laughs) That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. friends - 401 Phoebe Sr: I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe: Yeah. Let's see, my Mom had killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. friends - 401 Ross: I didn't read the whole letter, I fell asleep. Rachel: You fell a-SLEEP? Ross: It was 5 O'Clock in the morning! And you had RAMBLED on for 18 pages! (Walks towards door, stops and turns around) FRONT AND BACK!!! friends - 401 Rachel: I just feel so sorry for you and and all those long lonely nights when you lie awake wishing you were with me! Ross: Oh don't you worry about me falling asleep, I still have YOUR LETTER!!! friends - 401 Monica: (Sets down some cards) Gin. Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica: Will you stop! Chandler: Okay. All right. Monica: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me. friends - 401 Rachel: (to Ross) And hey, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal! Chandler: I knew it! friends - 401 Ross: We were on a break! Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you! friends - 401 Ross: Oh, and by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e means "you are" and y-o-u-r means "your"! friends - 401 Monica: Damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! friends - 401 Joey: Hey, what if you found out your mom wasn't actually your mom, and your new mom was really hot? Chandler: But it's your mom. Joey: No! I'm talking about your mom. friends - 402 Rachel: I can't believe I even thought of getting back together again! We are sooooooooooo over!! Ross: (makes fake crying noises) Fine by me!! friends - 402 Monica: What happened here? Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed! friends - 402 Rachel: They really got you guys! The TV, the stereo... Phoebe: The microwave, the chairs... Joey: Aww man, he took the five of spades! Oh, no here it is. friends - 402 Joey: You know what I'm going to do to that guy next time I see him! Chandler: BEND OVER? friends - 402 Rachel: Grrr, I hate it when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn't he? Chandler: Well, this could be the one time that he's not right. Rachel: You think so? Chandler: Oh no, I think he's right. friends - 403 Chandler: I bumped into Joanna yesterday. Rachel: My boss Joanna? That must have been awkward. Chandler: Well no, she actually asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel: You didn't say yes to this, did you? Chandler: No, no! Joanna: (Coming out from the bathroom) Good morning, Rachel. Chandler: Well, not at first! friends - 403 Monica: How desperate am I? Rachel: Oh, good thing Chandler isn't here. He always wins at this game. friends - 403 Salesman: For example, do you know anything about Vulcanized Rubber? Joey: Spock's birthcontrol... Salesman: You really need these books. friends - 403 Rachel: Can't you get out of those handcuffs? Chandler: No! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler! friends - 403 (Chandler begins putting on his pants) Joanna: Wait, what are you doing? Chandler: Getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me. friends - 403 Chandler: (after being uncuffed and reunited with his pants) Hello, sweet pants! friends - 404 Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger: You have pets? Joey: Noooo. No no no. No, those are, uh... nicknames. Yeah. I'm The Chick and Chandler's The Duck. Mr. Treeger: Huh. I would of thought it was the other way around. friends - 404 Chandler: Oh yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last...twelve hundred times. friends - 404 Monica: How goes the dancin'? Gay yet? friends - 405 Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that, um, I have a cold. So if I sneeze in the middle of a song, it's not on purpose. Oh! Except the last verse of Pepper People. friends - 405 Monica: Go ahead and ask her out. What's the worst that could happen? Chandler: Well, I could die! friends - 406 Rachel: Maybe she and her friends are having a contest of who can bring home the biggest geek. Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins. friends - 406 Joey: Hey, we should have a contest to see who can bring home the most beautiful woman! Chandler: That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it "life." friends - 406 Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her? friends - 406 Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage! And, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage! And, instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! friends - 407 Joey: You have crossed the line. You are so far past the line you can't even see it! The line is a dot to you friends - 407 Rachel I just had a wonderful time with myself! Chandler: This could be a fun story... friends - 407 Joey: Why are you getting so upset? Chandler: Well, I'm upset...for you! Having sex with so many beautiful women must be so unfulfilling for you. friends - 407 Joey: I think somebody has a crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you two up? Chandler: Then all the pieces of my life are falling right into place! friends - 407 Chandler: Have a seat. Bow or stern? Kathy: I don't really have a preference. You? Chandler: Oh, I like it in the stern...of the boat. friends - 407 Joey: Did you sleep with her? Chandler: No, I just kissed her! Joey: That's even worse! Chandler: How is that worse?! Joey: I don't know, but it's the same! friends - 407 (Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair) Kathy: You have really great hair. Chandler: Thanks, I grow it myself. friends - 408 Chandler: (In the box) You guys can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by mooning you friends - 408 Phoebe: Yeah, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it?" friends - 408 Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better? Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn't. friends - 408 Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. (pause) Well, one of you is over there. friends - 408 Monica: How cute is the on-call doctor?!? Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye! friends - 408 Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to, but... (Points to Ross) Married a lesbian. (Points to Rachel) Left a man at the altar. (Points to Phoebe) Fell in love with a gay ice dancer. (Points to Joey) Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire. (Points to the box Chandler's in) Lives in a box! friends - 409 Ross: Yeah! And so what if at the end of a hard day I like to kick on some Kenny G and have a bath. Joey: Dude, we're old, we're not women. friends - 409 Joey: What do you mean "we never have fun anymore"?You have fun with me! Remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me $50 to eat that book? friends - 409 Ross: Didn't you read "Lord of the Rings" in high school? Joey: No, I had sex in high school. friends - 410 Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs. Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer? friends - 410 Phoebe: (Singing a draft of her Christmas Song) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry... Chandler: (Interrupting) Oh, y'know, y'know what Pheebs? Phoebe: What? Chandler: I'm not Jewish, so... Phoebe: Well Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss but you don't hear him complaining do you? friends - 410 Phoebe: Don't you have a nickname or something that's easier to rhyme with? Monica: Didn't your dad use to call you 'Pumpkin'? Rachel: Yeah, he did. Phoebe: OK, but did he ever call you like, 'Budolph'? friends - 410 Phoebe: (Singing a song she wrote) ...spin the dredle Rachel! Rachel: Pheebs, dredle doesn't rhyme with Rachel. Phoebe: I know, nothing rhymes with your stupid name! friends - 411 Chandler: Hey, Donald Trump called... he wants his blue blazer black... back! Rachel: Why would he want his blue blazer black? Monica: You messed it up!You're stupid! friends - 412 Joey: I call Monica's room. Chandler: You can't just call Monica's room. Joey: Sure I can. Standard shotgun rules. I'm in sight of the room and I call it. Chandler: (Looks over to the room and mutters under his breath) Damn. friends - 412 Ross: Alright, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (takes envelope from back pocket and rips it open) Ross: The lightning round! Thirty seconds. All the questions you can answer. Monica: You guys are dead. I am so good at lightning rounds! Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. Alright? We're going to destroy you. Monica: Wanna bet? Chandler: Oh...I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far. friends - 412 Ross: What is Monica's pet peeve? Joey: Animals dressed as humans. Ross: That is correct. friends - 412 Frank Jr: My sister's gonna have my baby! friends - 412 Frank Jr: Um, it's a lollipop and a, uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica: Hey, don't mix those up. You could really ruin that lollipop. friends - 412 Phoebe: Well, the doctor says it takes a couple of days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine. friends - 412 Joey: She's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants. friends - 412 Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around. friends - 412 Phoebe: (Singing) Are you there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will... buy you some Adidas. friends - 412 Ross: In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age fourteen? Chandler: OH! (Hesitates shortly and then whispers something into Ross's ear) Ross: EEW, NO!! Her ear. friends - 412 Ross: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie. Joey: Big Fat Goalie. Ross: Correct. friends - 412 Monica: Come on Rach, Chanandler Bong, we steal that TV guide every week. Chandler: I KNEW IT. friends - 412 Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. Five questions wins the game. The lightning round! What is Joey's favorite food? Monica: Sandwiches! Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? (The girls are stumped) Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 need this or you lose the game. Monica: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding... Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transpons -- transponster! Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! I can get this! I can get this! (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the game) Monica: Noooooooooo!!!!! friends - 412 Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head! Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong. friends - 412 Ross: Monica and I had a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral. Name that grandmother! Joey: Nana? Chandler: She has a real name. Joey: Oh! Althea! Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey: I took a shot! Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?! Ross: Althea is correct. Chandler: Nice shooting! friends - 412 Rachel: Well, who's gonna make up the questions? Monica: Ross'll do it. Ross: Oh sure, Ross'll do it, it's not like he has child or a job or a life of his own. Monica: Fine, we'll get Phoebe to do it. Ross: No, I wanna play! friends - 412 Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Joey: The Irish jig guy? Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body! friends - 413 Ross: (About Kathy cheating on Chandler) Well, if she thought they were on a break... friends - 413 Chandler: I threw her at his man nipples! friends - 413 Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry. Chandler: Oh my God!! friends - 413 Rachel: Monica, I'm quitting. I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! friends - 413 Rachel: I have the best job in the world! Today the cutest guy came into work, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll! friends - 413 Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat? friends - 413 Chandler: It's like somebody literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $35 to see it! Phoebe: Now that's a good idea for a business. friends - 414 Monica: Chandler! You can't just go back a phase! Chandler: Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time. friends - 414 Chandler: You know what? I'm just going to home and call Kathy. Phoebe: If you think it'll help... Chandler: No! That was a test! You know, in a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk, and I'm gonna want to call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna be so drunk I'm gonna wanna call Janice! Phoebe: You should! How is she? friends - 414 (A strip club patron sitting near Phoebe is smoking a cigar) Phoebe: Um, no. You have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant. Man: Maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe: Ha ha, it's not my baby. friends - 414 Joey: It's just ten blocks away, if I run I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll improve the smell. friends - 414 Rachel: Are Chandler and Joey back? Monica: No, Chandler's still in phase one, and Joey's that thing you smell. friends - 414 Phoebe: Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's your name. Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other. friends - 414 Chandler: You don't want to be guys. You'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long. friends - 414 Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt! friends - 415 Ross: (being hugged by Emily) Eee! Emily: I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Ross: It's worth the pain. (She hugs him again.) You know what, you know what? It's not. friends - 415 Ross: I don't know what the big deal is, I'm man enough to play this sport. Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. friends - 415 Chandler: I'm only pretend moving to Yemen, it's the only way I can get rid of her! Joey: Ah, good one! And Yemen, that actually sounds like a real country! friends - 415 Joey: (explaining rugby to Ross) That's a scrum. It's kind of like a huddle. Ross: And is a hum kind of like a scruddle? Joey: Hahaha, they're gonna kill you! friends - 415 Ross: I'm not stopping! I'm RED ROSS! Joey: Dude, you go back out there, and you're gonna be Dead Ross. friends - 415 Chandler: I told you you didn't have to take me to the airport. Janice: No, no, no, no. I know you needed to be with someone in this difficult time. And your friends don't seem to care that you're leaving. Chandler: Well, we're not that close. friends - 415 Janice: So how long are you gonna be in Yemen? Chandler: Oh, just until I find a replacement for...fuel friends - 416 Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: But it's not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: And he's not 11! friends - 416 Ross: Yeah, she's got to go back to London. But you know what? I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and then that's it. Y'know? Joey: Hey, that's what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks that's it. friends - 416 Joey: Hey, but at least you have that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: Oh, that's sweat. You throw up all morning, and you'll have that glow too friends - 416 Joey: Uh, well, when is the baby due? Phoebe: Six months. Joey: Ugh. Now, if a cow should die of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? Phoebe: Not if I get there first. friends - 417 Rachel: Well, whatcha got there? Phoebe: Oh this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Now don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Ah! Now, I know what you're thinking- Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four? friends - 417 Chandler: The weirdest thing happened to me today. I went to the bank, there was a lady teller, and she didn't ask me to do it with her in the vault! Joey: Same sort of thing happened to me. Female pizza delivery guy comes over, drops of the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! Chandler: What? No "nice place; I bet the bedrooms are huge"? Joey: No! Chandler: You know what? I think we need to turn off the porn. friends - 417 Ross: What do I do now? Joey: You play hard to get. Ross: She already lives in London. Joey: Then you go to Tokyo. friends - 417 (Rachel is singing some kind of song) Rachel: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long. Chandler: It's the theme from Good Will Humping. Rachel: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. Joey: Yeah right. Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. Chandler: Oh, oh, yeah, and did he also say that, ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy? Rachel: Yes! Joey: Yeah, he likes porn. (Rachel starts to leave) Monica: Where ya going? Rachel: I'm going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. friends - 417 Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You're probably just gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate. You're gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she's gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud. Ross: I am a good kisser. Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... (Ross looks at her.) I've been watching too much porn. friends - 417 (Joey switches channels with the remote and porn appears on the TV) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Whoa, is this porn? What did I do, I must've hit something on the remote! Chandler: Do we pay for this? Joey: No, we didn't pay our cable bill. Maybe this is how they punish us. Chandler: (Chuckles) Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill. Free phone sex! Joey: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill... (Pauses, not knowing what to say next) friends - 417 Monica: Ross, what did you do when Paolo was with Rachel? Ross: I made fun of his accent. Monica: No, you didn't fight for Rachel at all. You go to London and fight for Emily! Joey: Oh yeah, good idea. Yeah, 'cause you already told her you love her, and she didn't answer. And then she told you that she's seeing another guy. So, yeah, go to London. That'll scare her!! friends - 418 Ross: We thought Carol was straight when I married her. Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely don't want to name my kid Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down friends - 418 Monica: So you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel: Yes, and the best part was when the waiter spilled water down my back, and I jumped up and my boob popped out. Monica: Oh no! Rachel: No, it's alright. I've got nice boobs friends - 418 Chandler: Chandler is a stupid, stupid non-name. From now on I have no first name! Joey: So you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name! friends - 419 Emily: But my job.... Ross: So get a job here! I'm always hearing about foreigners moving in and stealing American jobs. That could be you! friends - 419 (after seeing Ross's new earring) Chandler: Just remember to wake us up before you go-go. friends - 419 Joey: (Seeing Ross' new earring) What, we don't make fun of you enough already? friends - 419 Chandler: You've only known her for six weeks! I have a carton of milk in my refrigerator that I've had a longer relationship with! Ross: Look guys, when I'm with her it's like she brings out this great side in me. I mean, I love her you know? Chandler: And I love the milk! But I'm not going to ask some British girl to move in with me! (Realises what he said) Joey you say things now friends - 420 Joey: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic. I'm so tired! Chandler: It's six o'clock! friends - 420 Chandler: So, uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler: What a coincidence! I listen in my sleep. friends - 421 Phoebe: I never knew you couldn't fly in your third trimester! Joey: I knew that. (everyone looks at him) So I didn't know that, but you should see your faces! friends - 421 Rachel: I'm fine. I'm happy for him, really, I'm...I'll work on it. friends - 422 Rachel: I still don't get how you know when it's false labor. Phoebe: Well, do you SEE any babies? friends - 422 Joey: (to duck) Stare at the wall. (Duck looks away from the wall) Joey: Hardly move. (Duck wags its tail) Joey: Be white. friends - 422 Joey: (hysterically yelling) I went to bed, everything was fine! I wake up, the stripper's gone, and the ring is gone! Chandler: You slept with the stripper? Joey: (still frantic Of course! friends - 423 (leaving the apartment) Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in the third drawer of my dresser. You don't want to lose that. friends - 423 Joey: You ordered pizza without me? Phoebe: Yeah, but we were thinking about you, you know. We ordered the Joey Special. Joey: Two pizzas?! friends - 423 Joey: Come on, do something. Chandler: I am. I'm ignoring you. friends - 423 Chandler: It's a six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica. friends - 423 (Joey and Chandler are at Westminster Abbey) Chandler: They're thinking of changing the name. Joey: Really? To what? Chandler: To put the camera away! Joey: Dude, you are Westminster Crabby! friends - 423 Joey: London, baby! friends - 424 Judy: Sorry we're late, it's my fault. I insisted on riding the tube. Jack: Judy, the kids.... Judy: Jack, that's what they call the subway. friends - 424 The Gentleman on the Plane: Oh, and seems to me that you were on a break. friends - 424 Jack Geller: (to Mr. Waltham I'm not paying for your wine cellar, you thieving, would-be-speaking-German-if-it-weren't-for-us, cheap little man! friends - 424 Ross: (To all the parents) From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word, no grandchildren! friends - 424 (Rachel runs back into the apartment after returning from the airport and Phoebe thinks she has changed her mind, Rachel runs back out) Phoebe: No! Why am I always pregnant when she does that? friends - 424 Priest: (To Ross) Repeat after me, I Ross Ross: I Ross Priest: take thee Emily Ross: take thee Rachel. friends - 424 Chandler (To Monica after sex): So, how are you? Monica: Good. You? Chandler: Oh, I'm fine. You?... Oh, we already did you. friends - 424 Chandler: What we did last night was stupid right? Monica: Oh, yeah. Totally stupid. Chandler: Yeah, crazy... But we're good for tonight, right? Monica: Oh, yeah