gilmore girls - 108 Lorelai: Ugh! Look how he just handled those lemons. Luke: What are you talking about? Lorelai: He just threw them in the bag. Not tossed them, or placed them, but threw them like they were nothing to him. Luke: They're lemons. Lorelai: They're symbolic gilmore girls - 108 Rory: It's Mr. Medina. Lorelai: I know. Rory: My English teacher is on my couch. Lorelai: It was the snow. You know how I get, it's like catnip. I was walking, he was there, his car was broken, we had fiesta burgers... it was the snow. gilmore girls - 108 Taylor: Well, excuse me, Andrew, but some of us have businesses to run that don't involve peddling drug paraphernalia to kids. Andrew: It was a lava lamp, Taylor. Taylor: There is no use for a lava lamp unless you're on drugs. gilmore girls - 109 Emily: That's how you answer your door? By saying "I'm in here"? Lorelai: Well, I didn't have any saran wrap. Emily: I don't even want to try to figure that one out. gilmore girls - 109 Lorelai: (after spraying Rory's hair) Ok, that will be good for 6 slow dances, 4 medium ones, 1 lambada. But if you plan on doing any moshing, I suggest another coat. gilmore girls - 109 Emily: (about Dean) What do you know about this boy? Lorelai: Well, I know Rory likes him, and his parole officer has high hopes for his rehabilitation. Emily: Does he drink? Lorelai: Like a fish! gilmore girls - 109 Emily: (about the mashed banana on toast) I used to make this all the time for you when you were a little girl. Lorelai: You did? Emily: Yes! Whenever you got sick, I made this. Lorelai: Are you sure it wasn't the other way around? gilmore girls - 109 Emily: What are you doing? Lorelai: I'm taking out the avocado. Emily: Since when don't you like avocado? Lorelai: Since I said "Gross, what is this?" and you said "Avocado". ....(later)... Emily: What's wrong with the tomato? Lorelai: It was fraternizing with the enemy. gilmore girls - 109 Emily: (in response to Dean honking the horn for Rory to come out) This is not a drive-through! She is not fried chicken! gilmore girls - 109 Girl: Wanna dance? Tristan: No. Girl: Wanna eat? Tristan: No. Girl: Wanna make out? Tristan: Sure, let's go gilmore girls - 110 (a group comes into the diner singing)... Luke: What's going on...? Taylor: Well, we were carolling around town and we got a bit chilly and we thought that maybe we could trade you a song for some hot chocolate... Luke: You want free hot chocolate. Taylor: No, no, we'll sing for it. Any tune you like. Luke: ...And then I give you free hot chocolate. Taylor: ...yeah... Luke: Tell you what, you can have your hot chocolate, pay for it, then go next door and sing for the marshmallows. gilmore girls - 110 Rory: What about the apple tarts? You wait all year for those apple tarts! Lorelai: I can live without the apple tarts. Rory: You've made up songs after eating five of them with lyrics that contradict that last statement. gilmore girls - 110 Rory: I think you're acting a little immature. Lorelai: I'm not acting! gilmore girls - 110 Lorelai: Geez! Are you okay? Luke: Yeah, I'm just not real big on hospitals. You know, the smell, people being wheeled by, tubes sticking out of 'em, you know drainage, fluids, gaping holes... Lorelai: Okay, listen why don't you go home? Luke: You want me to go? Lorelai: You don't look so good. Luke: Thanks. Lorelai: That's not what I meant, you know you always look good. Luke: Yeah? Lorelai: I meant you always look healthy... Luke: Okay. Lorelai: But you don't look so healthy now. Now you look... Luke: Unhealthy. Lorelai: Yes. Luke: Okay... Lorelai: Oh what? So I said you look good. We're not in 5th grade! 'You look good', big deal...stop sneering at me. (patient passes by) Luke: Oh geez. Lorelai: See, that's what you get for being cocky. gilmore girls - 110 Rory: Where's Mom? Luke: Looking for coffee. Rory: What are you doing? Luke: Staring at my shoes. Rory: Okay, carry on. gilmore girls - 110 Lorelai's answering machine: We're not here right now, speak if you must. gilmore girls - 110 Lorelai: No one has ever made me something quite this disgusting before. I thank you. gilmore girls - 110 Lorelai: Rory, there are only two things that I trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country, and you. Rory: Hopefully not in that order. gilmore girls - 110 Luke: Your mother called me an idiot. Lorelai: Wow, you must have sucked up good. gilmore girls - 111 Lorelai: She's never really referred to anyone I've dated by their first name, before, I've always kept her out of that part of my life, so, it was like the 'mustache guy' , the 'earring guy', the ... (struggles) 'peg-leg guy'... Max: Oh, so you've a thing for pirates...? gilmore girls - 111 Lorelai: Who shows up at eight o'clock for an eight o'clock date? Rory: I dunno, maybe a Chilton teacher? Lorelai: Everybody knows that eight o'clock means eight-twenty, eight-fifteen, tops! Rory: Well, obviously, he was raised in a barn. Lorelai: I'll tell you, he's cute but this punctuality thing has knocked 10 points off his Dream Guy quotient. gilmore girls - 111 Rory: Every time Mom stuck her finger in his cage, he'd bite her. Lorelai: And laugh. Luke: Hamsters can't laugh. Lorelai: Oh, this one laughed - trust me. gilmore girls - 111 Sookie: You must really like this guy. Lorelai: When did you become a relationship expert? You haven't been in a relationship in years. (Big pause, as she realizes what she just said) Wow... zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds. gilmore girls - 111 Lorelai: It was a mistake. Emily: A mistake? A mistake? Is that what you call it, a mistake? Lorelai: Well, I tried calling it 'Al', but it would only answer to 'mistake.' gilmore girls - 111 Rory: Buttercup is a special dog. She's extremely skittish and tends to react badly towards blonde haired females, brunette males, children of either sex, other animals, red clothing, cabbage or anyone in a uniform. (Luke walks up to them.) Lorelai: (to Luke) Hey, we just found the doggy version of you. gilmore girls - 111 Rory: Well can you make up your mind before French Class because I'd rather you didn't start making out with Mrs. Collins. Lorelai: Hey, no promises until I see what she looks like! gilmore girls - 112 Lorelai: You lied to me so I wouldn't have to lie to Mrs. Kim? Rory: Yeah. Lorelai: Oh my god, you really are my daughter. gilmore girls - 112 Lorelai: Who the hell is that anyways? Rory: Claudine Longet. Lorelai: The chick who shot the skier? Rory: (with no clue, since it was way before her time) Uh, sure, why not. Lorelai: Wow - Renaissance woman. gilmore girls - 112 Lorelai: Hey, you know the one good thing we learned from this? Rory: What? Lorelai: That I'm a babe. gilmore girls - 112 Sookie: You will not regret this. Lorelai: Pick another phrase. Sookie: You will not have to pay. Lorelai: Much better. gilmore girls - 112 Rory: I do not want to incur the wrath of Luke. Lorelai: Why not? It's fun! gilmore girls - 112 Lorelai: I certainly don't want Rory to turn out like me. Mrs. Kim: I don't want Lane to turn out like you either. Lorelai: Now I believe that's the first thing that you and I have ever agreed on. gilmore girls - 112 Lorelai: I have like six thousand pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life, and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on, I'm behind and I'll probably fail, and then that little eighteen year old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another A and make that 'I'm smart, you're dumb' face to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry. Rory: The music's too loud? Lorelai: Yes. Rory: Got it. gilmore girls - 113 Louise: I find your mother completely fascinating. Rory: Funny - so does she. gilmore girls - 113 Louise: (about Lorelai) I can't imagine having a baby at 16. Paris: Well then keep your knees shut. gilmore girls - 113 Lorelai: Hey, you didn't wake me up! Rory: I set the clock. Lorelai: Yes, but see the clock stops ringing when you throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back asleep. You, however never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus ensuring the wake up process. gilmore girls - 113 Rory: So did you guys find it okay? Paris: There's no sign on this street. Rory: I know, that's why I told you to turn right at the big rooster statue. Paris: I thought you were kidding. Lorelai: Oh no, we never kid about Monty gilmore girls - 113 Lorelai: Who wants cheese? Rory: Are there crackers? Lorelai: Somewhere in the state of Connecticut, yes, there are crackers. Rory: And in the Gilmore house? Lorelai: Who wants cheese? gilmore girls - 114 Rory: My favorite episode -- Lorelai: Mm, mm...tell me, tell me. Rory: -- is when their son, Jeff, comes home from school and nothing happens. Lorelai: Oh that's a good one. One of my favorites is when Mary, the daughter, gets a part-time job and nothing happens. Rory: Another classic. gilmore girls - 114 Dean: She seems happy. Lorelai: She's medicated. Rory: And acting from a script. Lorelai: Written by a man. Rory: Well said, Sister Suffragette. gilmore girls - 114 Rory: Can brains hurt? Lorelai: Yes, it's hypochondria hour. Rory: No, I'm serious. Last night when I was reading my biology chapters I distinctly heard a ping in the vicinity of my brain. Lorelai: Your brain pinged? Rory: Yeah. It just went like 'dink'. Lorelai: Well then, honey, your brain dinked. It didn't ping. gilmore girls - 114 Taylor: When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends. Lorelai: Right here in River City! Taylor: This is not funny, Lorelai. gilmore girls - 114 Lorelai: Ok, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint. Luke: You do? Lorelai: Yes, I do. Luke: You love it? Lorelai: I want to marry it. Luke: You have strange passions. Rory: She likes washing dishes too. She's mult-faceted abnormal. gilmore girls - 114 Rory: What's in there? Dean: A salad. Rory: Salad? Dean: Yeah, it's a quaint dish sometimes used to precede large quantities of pizza. (Lorelai and Rory give him strange looks.) Dean: It's for me. Rory: Clearly gilmore girls - 114 Sookie: Well, you call someone and say "Can you come over and help me look for my loose chick"'s a little... Lorelai: A little what? Sookie: Sounds a little like code for "I'm not wearing any underwear". gilmore girls - 114 Lorelai: (to Luke) I mean, if I didn't have a chick here, why did you think I was calling? gilmore girls - 114 Lorelai: So, dinner, thoughts? Rory: Let's have some gilmore girls - 115 Christopher: (on phone with Emily) Well, I'm actually sitting here with your girls. (hands the phone to Lorelai) She wants to speak to you. Lorelai: Mm. Hi mom. Emily: Lorelai, Christopher's in town! Lorelai: (gasps) What?! I didn't know! Although, coincidently I'm sitting across from an amazing Christopher hologram. gilmore girls - 115 Christopher: Nice shirt. Take it off. Lorelai: Excuse me? (Christopher takes off helmet.) Rory: Dad!! gilmore girls - 115 Emily: You remember Straub and Francine don't you? Lorelai: Oh, yes, the Schnickelfritzes. Emily: The who? Lorelai: (rolls eyes) The Haydens. gilmore girls - 115 Lorelai: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college, wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters. Christopher: Fred Mertz? Lorelai: I Love Lucy - Fred Mertz. Christopher: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It's just a weird reference. Lorelai: Hello, pajamas gilmore girls - 115 Lorelai: Did you just curtsy? Rory: Shut up! Lorelai: Sorry, milady. gilmore girls - 116 Lorelai: I miss Max. Rory: I know. Lorelai: I had a dream about him the other night. Rory: Really? Dirty? Lorelai: (embarrassed) No, absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer. gilmore girls - 117 Lorelai: So now, was there any reason that you suddenly felt the need to move around large pieces of furniture first thing in the morning? Rory: I was up. It was there. Lorelai: Okay. Good thought process. Great. gilmore girls - 117 Lorelai: Rory, my heart, today is Saturday, the day of rest! Rory: Sunday's the day of rest. Lorelai: No, Saturday's the day of pre-rest, see? Then by the time you get to Sunday, you're rested enjoy your rest. Rory: That made absolutely no sense. Lorelai: That's because it's 6:00 in the morning! gilmore girls - 117 Babette: (about breakups) I was thrown from a moving car once gilmore girls - 117 Lorelai: I'm going to order us something. Any preference - eggs, french toast, the key to the dumpster? gilmore girls - 117 Lane: Hi, my name's Lane. Louise: As in, 'walk down a...' Lane: Yes, exactly. gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: Independence Inn. Emily: I need the hat rack. Lorelai: (mysteriously) The fish flies at night. Emily: What? Lorelai: I don't know. Who is this? gilmore girls - 118 Emily: Do you know that every night at dinner the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun. They would quiz each other about current events, historical events and intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and wordly as the Kennedy's so come on someone say something. Lorelai: Did you know that butt models make $10,000 a day? Emily: Camelot is truly dead. gilmore girls - 118 Rory: Listen there's something I have to tell you. Lorelai: What? Rory: I loaned Paris your black mini and there's a good chance you may never see it again. Lorelai: Oh well there's something I have to tell you. Rory: What? Lorelai: You lost out on $250,000 dollars today. gilmore girls - 118 Rory: (about Paris) She's going out on a date with Tristin. Lorelai: How'd that happen? Rory: I did a little matchmaking. Lorelai: (in a Ricky Ricardo voice) Lucy, how many times have I told you not to butt into other people's business? Rory: Never. Lorelai: (normal voice) Good going. gilmore girls - 118 Paris: I brought everything just in case there was some sort of hidden potential in something that I just didn't see. So? Rory: Well you'd be one well-dressed widow. gilmore girls - 118 Rory: Uh, Paris? What are these cards that fell out of your jacket? Paris: Oh yeah. Those are notes for tonight. Rory: Notes? Paris: Yeah. Just some reference points really. You know, subjects to bring up in case the conversation lags. Rory: Well can I suggest that you leave this one about the Spanish Inquisition out? gilmore girls - 118 Rory: I swear to God. Paris: Are you atheist? Rory: Excuse me? Paris: Because that affects the validity of your swearing to God. gilmore girls - 118 Richard: Long distance phone call. Lorelai: God? Richard: London Lorelai: God lives in london? Richard: No, my mother lives in London. Lorelai: Your mother is God? So, God is a woman. (Couple minutes later.) Lorelai: I still can't get over the fact that I'm related to God. This will make getting Madonna tickets so much easier. gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: Work. Rory: Life. Lorelai: Dig it man. Rory: Peace out Humphrey. gilmore girls - 118 Sookie: Hi, for that much money you wake her up! You hire a singing telegram! Women jump out of cakes! People dress up like bankers and dance around with those toasters! gilmore girls - 118 Paris: God this is so weird. I can't stop smiling. Rory: Good, then it's a good time to talk about our over taxed peasants. Paris: Oh, let them eat cake. gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: Mother, Grandma is a very old woman, I highly doubt that she's going to remember everything she ever bought you. Emily: She will remember down to the very last shrimp fork and do you know why? Lorelai: No. (to dogs) Do you guys know why? Emily: Because she doesn't just give you a present, she 'gives' you a present and she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs - for insurance purposes of course - and God forbid you should have a different opinion or you don't think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you! Lorelai (to the dogs): She's just upset. Emily: Stop talking to the dogs! gilmore girls - 118 Rory (about her great-grandmother): I hope she likes me. Lorelai: She'll love you. Rory: I hope she and Grandma get along. Lorelai: She'll love you. gilmore girls - 118 Madeline (about Paris): She does know this is a make believe government right? Louise: You ask her, I'm afraid. gilmore girls - 118 Rory: Henry VIII started a new church when the old one wouldn't allow divorce. Paris: He also cut off his wife's head. Is he still your role model? gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: Rose tea. That's funny. That's not really tea is it? It's like rose petals in hot water. More like a bad floral arrangement. gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: Rory is an incredibly mature kid. Trix: Oh I'm sure she is. It's you I'm worried about. Lorelai : But - Trix (to Emily): And I'm sure she gets it from you. Emily: But - gilmore girls - 118 Emily (about Trix): Well I'd better get out there before she leaves me here. Lorelai: I'm sure you'll be sorry to see her go. Emily (sarcastically): Oh yes, I don't know what I'll do with myself. gilmore girls - 118 Michel: I pushed nothing 'funky'. Lorelai: You have the funk, my friend. gilmore girls - 118 Lorelai: (about tea she had with Emily and Trix) Yeah well once you're done with those little sandwiches, there's not reason to pretend you like tea anymore gilmore girls - 118 Paris: I don't know what to wear. Rory: Ever? gilmore girls - 118 Louise: Those who simply wait for information to find them spend a lot of time sitting by the phone. Those who go out and find it themselves have something to say when it rings. Rory: Nietzsche? Louise: Dawson. Rory: My next guess. gilmore girls - 119 (in the storage room at Luke's) Lorelai: So, this is the fascinating storage area where fascinating acts of storage take place. Luke: Yup, this is it. Lorelai: Some good looking pickles. Luke: What are you doing? Lorelai: I'm admiring your pickles. gilmore girls - 119 Rory: I'm sure you were a cute baby. Emily: She was, she was very cute. Lorelai 4...3...2...1 most respects. Lorelai: We have liftoff gilmore girls - 119 Luke: Look, if you're gonna tell me at least help me unload. Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy? Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy. Lorelai: Please. Luke: Cut the box, not your hand. Lorelai: Good tip, you should teach. (after cutting the tape off a box) Ha! Fun! gilmore girls - 119 Emily: As a child, your mother had an unusually large head. Lorleai: The best thing about it was that she would tell me constantly. My first complete sentence was 'Big head want dolly'. (Later talking about Kim's Antiques.) Rory: My best friend Lane, her parents have this great antiques store in Stars Hollow. Emily: Is that so? (To Lorelai) Why haven't you ever told me about it? Lorelai: Oh, I don't know Mom. I guess it just got lost in my big head. gilmore girls - 120 Lorelai: (trying to persuade Luke to try on a jacket) C'mon, just the jacket. Just once be too sexy for your shirt and do a little dance on the catwalk. (Luke walks into the back of the diner while Lorelai chases him with the suit) Luke: Get away from me you mental patient! gilmore girls - 120 Rory: (to Lorelai) Don't take this the wrong way, but get out gilmore girls - 120 Rory: Where's my tie? Lorelai: In your drawer? Rory: I'm looking in the drawer. Lorelai: Mm, check the living room. Rory: Why would my tie be in the living room? Lorelai: Because it's been seeing the doily on the coffee table. I'm sorry, I did not want you to find out this way! gilmore girls - 120 Lorelai: Hey, I have a huge dilemma that I need your opinion on! Rory: (annoyed) What? Lorelai: Am I more beautiful today than I was yesterday? Rory: Oh boy. Lorelai: I'm just not sure. I mean at first I looked in the mirror and I thought, well yes, definitely, huge improvement. Rory: Can I have my pillow back? Lorelai: But then I thought maybe it's not that I'm more beautiful today. Maybe I was just as beautiful yesterday, only I lacked the self-esteem to recognize it. gilmore girls - 120 Rory: So, Grandpa, what's new in the world today? Richard: Well, as usual, it's going to hell in a handbasket. Rory: It's nice to always have something you can count on gilmore girls - 120 Lorelai: (sarcastically): Why so charming this morning? Rory: I had an annoying visit from the Stars Hollow wake up fairy. gilmore girls - 120 Lorelai: So, last time I saw you, you were headed home. You want to fill in the blanks? Rory: I don't know. I just snapped and I got sick of everything. I wanted to go anywhere. Lorelai: So you picked hell? gilmore girls - 120 Lorelai: (about the pants she's bought for Luke) I don't know what this fabric is, but I think I want to have its baby. gilmore girls - 121 Tristan: I know everything. Rory: How godlike of you. gilmore girls - 121 Max: We can't keep getting this close just to have something completely derail us again. And frankly there's only one thing I can think of that could solve it. Lorelai: Break up. Max: Ugh. Lorelai: Well, I'm not interested in a murder-suicide kind of thing ... Max: We should get married. (long pause) Lorelai: Give me a clue as to whether you're kidding or not. Max: I am not kidding. Lorelai: Good clue. gilmore girls - 121 Max: So did you date Luke? Lorelai: No, I did not date Luke. Max: You can tell me. Lorelai: I did not date Luke. Max: There was a vibe. gilmore girls - 121 Lorelai: (to Max about his proposal) It should be magical. There should be music playing and romantic lighting and a subtle buildup to the popping of the big question. There should be a thousand yellow daisies and candles and a horse and I don't know what the horse is doing there unless you're riding it, which seems a little over the top, but it should be more than this gilmore girls - 121 Luke: I just left my toolbox from when I was here earlier fixing things. I do a lot of little things around here for Lorelai. Lorelai: Yeah, you're very handy. So Luke, we'll talk later. Luke: Yes we will. Max: Although probably not tonight. We won't be back until late. Lorelai: No, I meant not tonight. Max: Oh, I misunderstood. Lorelai: I meant tomorrow. So tomorrow. Luke: Absolutely. We see each other most everyday. Max: Well sure, you've got the coffee. Luke: And she needs the coffee. So I'll see you tomorrow. Lorelai: Tomorrow. Luke: Same time as always. Max: I'd count on a little later. Luke: Doesn't matter what time it is. I'll always be around. gilmore girls - 122 Luke: (to Lorelai) Fresh coffee'll be ready in a minute, unless you wanna just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts. gilmore girls - 122 Lorelai: You want Tater Tots also? Rory: That's a rhetorical question, right? gilmore girls - 122 Rory: You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good. Lorelai: Pot roast. gilmore girls - 122 Rory: Grandma, I can't believe you found the recipe for Beefaroni. Emily: It wasn't easy. Antonia thought I'd gone insane. Lorelai: Well... Emily: No one needs a comment from you gilmore girls - 122 Bootsy: So, apparently they shoot a gland from a pig's head into Ivana Trump's rear end twice a month to keep her looking young. Lorelai: Wow, I hope she's not Kosher gilmore girls - 122 Rory: Where's Dean? Lorelai: Getting water. Rory: You're shameless. Lorelai: He offered. Rory: Please... Lorelai: The first thing he said to me was, 'Hey Lorelai, can I change your water?' What can I say, the kid's a freak! gilmore girls - 123 Emily: Your head is too big for a veil. Lorelai: Thanks. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: Boy, they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh? Luke: It's the Heinz family's little joke. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: It's crazy out there. Luke: Oh, I can imagine. Lorelai: Lots of people having fun, just the kind of thing you'd hate. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: I'm officially changing my order. I'll have the 'Luke's giving Lorelai a migraine' meal. Luke: Blue cheese or ranch? gilmore girls - 123 Rory: What's that? Lorelai: A hammer. Rory: Why does it have feathers? Lorelai: So the rhinestones and bows won't feel lonely. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: (to Rory) I mean it, Timmy, no falling down the well. gilmore girls - 123 Emily: (to Lorelai) Walk as you babble, please. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: I am the mother and you are the daughter. In some cultures, that means you have to do what I say. Rory: If you don't tell them in two weeks, I will. Lorelai: Though apparently not in this one. gilmore girls - 123 Paris: You don't want to go. It's not you. Rory: I have multiple personalities, it might be one of me gilmore girls - 123 Paris: You need to follow a study schedule. I've been telling you that since second grade. Louise: Which worries both of us. gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: I need you to be serious here. Rory: You're wearing a newspaper on your head and you want me to be serious? gilmore girls - 123 Lorelai: Why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean there must have been 1000 women who've gone through here in the 32 years that I've been alive and not one of them could stick it out. Emily: And this is what we need to discuss right now? Lorelai: These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but 5 minutes working for Emily Gilmore and people are begging for Castro. gilmore girls - 123 Man: That's a hammer? Rory: Well, it's just dressed up a little. Man: You dressed up a hammer? Rory: No, my mother did. She does that. She, um, she takes thinks that aren't pretty and makes them pretty, like a hammer, you know. One time she made individual outfits for my liquid paper bottles. A clown, a cowboy, a newscaster. She's not insane, she just sounds it. gilmore girls - 124 Lorelai: No one has ever made me a huppah. Luke: You only get married once...theoretically. Lorelai: only get married once. gilmore girls - 124 Rory: Okay, our house is burning down, and you can save the cake or me. What do you choose? Lorelai: Well that's not fair. The cake doesn't have legs. gilmore girls - 124 (Max opens a drawer in the oven.) Lorelai: Wow, did you know we had that? Rory: Not a clue. gilmore girls - 124 Lorelai: Did you mean all those things you said about marriage? Luke: What things? Lorelai: You really want me to repeat them to you? Luke: No I mean, I guess, for some people, marriage isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that. Lorelai: And people can evolve together don't you think? Luke: Maybe. Lorelai: Yoko and John Lennon did. They got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end they even had the same face. Luke: It got a little spooky. Lorelai: But cool Luke: Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you, or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right...but that's only if you find that person. Lorelai: Yeah, if you find that person. gilmore girls - 124 Michel: I feel like crap on toast. gilmore girls - 124 Rory: He has much knowledge. Lorelai: We shall form a cult around him. Rory: Build a statue many stories high. Lorelai: We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing. gilmore girls - 204 Rory: A cool B & B. That's like saying an understated Nicolas Cage movie gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: Did you hear? I used 'existentialist' in a sentence. Rory: I heard. Lorelai: I've always wanted to do that Rory: It was very impressive gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: Rory, stop it. We are not going to have this fight in a flowery bedroom with dentists singing Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves in the background. It's too David Lynch! gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: (writing in guestbook) Satanic forces are at work here. gilmore girls - 204 Rory: You're going to stop before we drive into the Atlantic Ocean. Lorelai: I'll try. Rory: At least we'll know where we are. Lorelai: Unless it's the Pacific. (Turns on radio.) Radio: Coming up,a three song super set from Hootie and the Blowfish. Lorelai and Rory: Aghhh!!! gilmore girls - 204 LaDonn: And after you leave, I'm going to go do my favorite thing! Lorelai: And what's that? LaDonn: Read what you wrote in the guestbook. Lorelai: Can you give us a 5 minute head start? LaDonn: Beg your pardon? gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: Oh, wow! Sammy's AWOL, huh? LaDonn: Hmm? Lorelai: Oh, Sammy. It's like the first time that she hasn't been there on the stairs. LaDonn: What, my Sammy? Lorelai: Yes. LaDonn: Oh, she's rarely ever on the stairs. Lorelai: Oh no, she's always right there. LaDonn: On the stairs? Lorelai: Yes. LaDonn: No, she has her favorite places, but not on the stairs. Lorelai: There has not been one moment over our entire stay when she has not been right there. LaDonn: On the stairs? Lorelai: Yes. LaDonn: Oh, she's hardly ever on the stairs. Rory: Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: Can I ask you stupid questions? Luke: There's no such thing. Lorelai: (frustrated) How does the ink come out of pens?! Luke: Okay, there is such a thing gilmore girls - 204 Luke: (to customers) We're closing early, chew it or lose it gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: They're taller. Rory: Not this again. Lorelai: There's more of them! Rory: Mom, the flowers on the wallpaper are not growing or reproducing. gilmore girls - 204 Rory: I think we're lost. Lorelai: We can't be lost, we don't know where we're going. gilmore girls - 204 LaDonn: Watch out for Sammy. Lorelai: Whoa! Rory: That's either Sammy or the cat that ate Sammy. gilmore girls - 204 Emily: (looking at pictures) What is that? Lorelai: That is a Harvard squirrel. Emily: Oh, good grief! Lorelai: Doesn't he look smart? gilmore girls - 204 Kirk: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table for as long as you want it. Luke: I bet you know what I'm going to say next. Kirk: That we're not in France? Luke: Give or take a profanity gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: I am a grown woman. Rory: Says the woman with the 'Hello, Kitty' waffle iron gilmore girls - 204 Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say, "Whoa! Step back! No one's that gay". gilmore girls - 205 Rory: It's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. The 24-hour mini mart just closed 20 minutes ago. gilmore girls - 205 Lorelai: Is everything okay? Luke: Do you have a sister? Lorelai: Um, no. Boy Scout: I do! Luke: You have my sympathies. Boy Scout: Thanks. I appreciate that. gilmore girls - 205 Boy Scout: (to Lorelai) Hey, I was here first! Lorelai: On the planet? gilmore girls - 205 Boy 2: And I want fries, and make them really really cripsy. Boy 1: I want mine crispy too. Boy 2: You didn't order fries. Boy 1: So? Luke: So you can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries. Boy 1: Why not? Luke: Because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist. Boy 1: Why not? Luke: Get him away from me Taylor. gilmore girls - 205 Luke: Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet but you'll like 'cause she's a lot like Lorelai, but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality. gilmore girls - 206 Rory: And when i got back from Grandpa's office, they all invited me out onto the patio. Lorelai: No, no, no! Please tell me you did not go out onto the patio. Rory: I went out onto the patio. Lorelai: Oh, Rory, that's like accepting the position as the drummer in Spinal Tap. gilmore girls - 206 Christopher: May I have this dance? Lorelai: I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure. gilmore girls - 206 Rory: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society. Lorelai: Ugh! Rory: And how every young girl dreams of this day. Lorelai: Argh! Rory: And how there are flowers. Lorelai: Oh, Lord! Rory: And music. Lorelai: Please! Rory: And cake. Lorelai: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good. gilmore girls - 207 Lorelai: Wow, busy today. Has Luke been advertising or something? Rory: He gets good word-of-mouth. Lorelai: Well, we have to start spreading bad word-of-mouth so we can always have a table. Rory: Well, that would be wrong, but sure. Vermin? Lorelai: Or no potable water. Rory: Or no potable vermin. Lorelai: That would scare them away. Rory: Or confuse them away. gilmore girls - 207 Rory: It's just so weird that the one table I sit down at is home to the secret society. Lorelai: I know. It's like waking up one day and realizing that everyone else in your family can pull their face off. Rory: Yes, it's exactly like that. gilmore girls - 207 Lorelai: Who the hell names their kid Lemon? Rory: Someone really into citrus gilmore girls - 207 Ivy: I hate nepotism. Lem: But unfortunately it does make the world go round. gilmore girls - 207 Francie: Don't you have a nickname? Rory: Well. Rory is a nickname. My real name is Lorelai. Lem: Lorelai? That's a weird name! Rory: Well Lem.. what can I say! gilmore girls - 207 Rory: (chuckling to herself) Barry Manilow. Lorelai: Stop! Rory: (singing) Looks like we made it. Lorelai: Oh yeah? Spice Girls! Rory: Duran Duran! Lorelai: Dido! Rory: Olivia Newton-John! Lorelai: The Macarena! You and Lane for hours and hours for weeks on end! Rory: Hey! We were mocking, you can't mock the mocking! Lorelai: All right, it's getting ugly. Let's stop. Rory: Let's be friends again. Lorelai: All right. gilmore girls - 207 Rory: Maybe I am a loner. I mean, you were mocking my backpack today. I might just be one step away from carrying a mysterious duffel bag. Lorelai: Oh no, no you don't. Don't you go doubting who you are or how you should be. How dare that woman do this to you! Kirk: It's all fixed. I found a loose terminal. I reconnected the battery and jumped it, so it's set to go. Lorelai: Oh, thanks Kirk. Kirk: And I'm not gonna charge you for the time I spent stuck underneath the car. Lorelai: That's great Kirk. Kirk: And I just want you to know that I overheard, and you're absolutely right. I carried a duffel bag and ate lunch by myself my entire school career, and I turned out just fine. gilmore girls - 207 Rory: (startled by Paris) God, you're like a pop-up book from hell! gilmore girls - 208 Lorelai: Are we late? Luke: We're two minutes early. Rory: We should get a prize for being on time. Lorelai: Hey, Luke, let's go back to the diner and have pie as a reward! Luke: Then we'd be late. Lorelai: A funny conundrum, but I want pie! gilmore girls - 208 Taylor: This goes well beyond a head of lettuce, young man. The charges against your nephew are numerous. He stole the 'save the bridge' money. Luke: He gave that back. Taylor: He stole a gnome from Babette's garden. Luke: Pierpont was also returned. Miss Patty: He hooted one of my dance classes. Fran: He took a garden hose from my yard. Man: My son said he set off the fire alarms at school last week. Lorelai: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter. gilmore girls - 209 Paris: (to Rory) You're Juliet. You're the best public speaker here, you've definitely got the waif thing down, and you'll look great dead. gilmore girls - 209 Lorelai: (on the phone) Aunt Bobby, hi. It's Lorelai, Richard and Emily's girl. Um, I'm the one with. . . yeah, that's right. Wow, you don't hear the word wedlock much anymore. Uh huh, uh huh, really? The Bible said all that, huh? Did it, did it mention me by name? I'm just. . .okay, I'm just kidding. So, um, judging by your Billy Graham impression, I am guessing that you didn't send me an ice cream maker, so maybe you could just give me Aunt Clarissa's phone number? gilmore girls - 209 Lorelai: (about Chilton's Romeo and Juliet) How often do you get to see teenagers speak iambic pentameter and kill themselves? gilmore girls - 210 Emily: The man is so sensitive. He reads so much into every little perceived slight. Lorelai: Yeah. I remember one time when I was a kid, Dad had put on some weight, and he bought a new suit to try to cover it up. And he wore it for us and he said, 'How do I look?' and I said, 'You look fat.' - but I guess that wasn't really a perceived slight…so, I'll think of another example. gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives. gilmore girls - 210 Richard: Lorelai, you should be very proud. Lorelai: Thanks, Dad. Emily: Lorelai, your dress needs pressing. Lorelai: Thanks, Mom. gilmore girls - 210 Jess: We should have eaten before we came. Luke: Shh! And, yeah gilmore girls - 210 Jess: What's the white stuff? Luke: I think it's cream ... or cheese. Jess: How about the green stuff? Luke: I think it's ... best picked off. gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: I hate that man with every fiber of my being! gilmore girls - 210 Christopher: (on phone with Lorelai, hearing harps in the background) Where are you, heaven? gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: Let's invite everyone! Sookie: Everyone who? Lorelai: Everyone everyone! Sookie: Everyone everyone who? Lorelai: Everyone we know, everyone we like... Sookie: Let's invite everyone! gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: Hey mom, you didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky? Emily: Could you be any cruder? Lorelai: Yeah, I could be cruder. Hey mom, did you get lai... Rory: Thanks for coming! gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: I have a New Year's resolution for you--be more cynical and self-absorbed. Rory: I'll work on it. gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: People have too many things. Rory: Says the woman with 40 pairs of shoes. Lorelai: Thus proving my point. gilmore girls - 210 Lorelai: Welcome to the first and probably-never-again-because-Sookie's-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown Bracebridge Dinner! gilmore girls - 211 Lorelai: You are not seriously sitting there. Emily: No, it's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it? gilmore girls - 211 Louise: (about a boy) What happened? I thought we really connected in that supply closet. gilmore girls - 211 Rory: Why aren't you saying anything? Dean: Words seem to be very dangerous right now gilmore girls - 211 Lorelai: Fill me up. Luke: That's your sixth cup. Lorelai: Yes it is. Luke: How 'bout some tea? Lorelai: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee. gilmore girls - 211 Kirk: You have termites. Lorelai: What? Kirk: Tens of thousands of them. Subterranean, dry wood, the whole gamut. Rory: Gross. Kirk: Four of them crawled up my nose. Lorelai: Okay, Kirk. Kirk: It happens all the time when you're upside down. To them the nostril looks just like another hollow passage in the wood. They're not too bright. gilmore girls - 211 Kirk: (about the cost of exterminating the termites) Well, I haven't done the exact estimate, but I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand dollars. Lorelai: (laughs) Tell it to move to another neighborhood. Kirk: I'm sorry? Lorelai: Fifteen thousand dollars? Rory: We're never eating again. gilmore girls - 212 Luke: (about Paris, who is annoying him) Rory, how much do you like this girl? Rory: Do what you gotta do, Luke gilmore girls - 212 Richard: How tall are you, anyway? Dean: Why, you want to dance? Richard: No, (thinks about it) but I appreciate the offer though. gilmore girls - 212 Richard: I paid Yale a great deal of money. Getting Rory in would be a breeze. Lorelai: We don't like breezes, they mess up our hair. gilmore girls - 212 Paris: We're going to reveal the seedy underbelly of small towns -- starting with yours. Rory: Stars Hollow does not have a 'seedy underbelly'. We don't even have a meter maid. gilmore girls - 212 Richard: I always wake up at 5:30 in the morning. Lorelai: Wow. Why? Richard: Well, I've been doing it for as long as I remember. Lorelai: Be bold, Dad. Wake up at quarter to six one day. gilmore girls - 212 Emily: Do you think you'll be single your entire life? Lorelai: Excuse me? Emily: I mean in terms of you finding someone, what do you think the odds are? Lorelai: Ok, what is going on? Emily: Well, I visited the family Moselium today... Lorelai: (to Rory) Never what you think it's going to be! gilmore girls - 212 Richard: Who's going to help Rory get into Harvard? Lorelai: Reese Witherspoon gilmore girls - 213 Luke: Why don't you just buy your own basket? Lorelai: Because that would be pathetic. Luke: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket isn't pathetic? gilmore girls - 213 Miss Patty: Listen darling, do you happen to have change for a dollar? Lorelai: I think so. Miss Patty: I don't know where my quarters go. Lorelai: Down some guy's g-string, I would expect. Miss Patty: Oh no, a quarter would be insulting gilmore girls - 214 Rory: Think fast! (Rory tosses phone to Luke who catches it in mid-stride with no trouble.) Lorelai: (to Rory) Whoa, impressive! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Rory: What? Lorelai: Goalie for the bagel-hockey team. Rory: And bump Schmitty? Lorelai: Schmitty's over the hill, he's washed up, put him in Cooperstown. (to Luke) Suit up, kid! Luke: Call me if anyone sane walks in. gilmore girls - 214 Lorelai: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y. Luke: Or Outer Limits-y Lorelai: What? Luke: Great show. Just as eerie, same era but no one ever references it. Lorelai: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek. Luke: Yep, stepped right in it. gilmore girls - 215 (Luke bangs a hole in the wall.) Luke: (to Jess) There's your room. We'll fix it up, and then we can hold hands and skip afterward. gilmore girls - 215 (Jess and Luke are searching for apartments.) Jess: Forget it! Luke: Why? What was wrong with it? Jess: It was pink! Luke: We can paint it. Jess: You mean I can paint it. Luke: We can paint it together. Jess: Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards. Luke: Fine. Which one did you like? Jess: The one before. Luke: The one with the two fridges? Jess: No. Luke: Well, the one before was the one with two fridges. Jess: No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat! Luke: I hate cats! Jess: Well, I don't think the cat came with the place. Luke: Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat. Jess: (shrugs) Clean the carpet. Luke: Paint the pink. Jess: Fine. The one next to the bank. Luke: Nah, too many windows. Jess: What? Luke: Six windows, all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon, we're sittin' in an oven. Jess: So we get curtains. Luke: Well, you'd have to help me put them up. Jess: Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards. Luke: Stop saying that! gilmore girls - 215 Lorelai: What, did you get all dressed in black and pull a Mission Impossible? Jess: Actually I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Clause. gilmore girls - 215 Lorelai: (about the mess in Luke's apartment) This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like. gilmore girls - 215 Luke: I walked around in a blind rage, I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate. Lorelai: You ate that? Luke: No, I didn't eat it! Lorelai: Oh, of course. Luke: I'm upset not suicidal! gilmore girls - 216 Luke: (to Rory) Did you find a nail in your food? (to construction worker) Tom, you're dead! Rory: There's nothing wrong with my food. Luke: Sorry, Tom! gilmore girls - 216 Lorelai: People just don't seem to realize that it takes years of practice to eat the way we do. gilmore girls - 216 Emily: They have cucumber slices in the water. Lorelai: Oh, wow. Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great. gilmore girls - 216 Emily: We intend to leave here completely different people. Lorelai: Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent. gilmore girls - 217 Lorelai: Face it, Luke. People like you. Luke: Shut up. Lorelai: And with charm like that, how could they resist. gilmore girls - 217 Emily enters the diner.) Lorelai: Eh. Good grief. Luke: What? Lorelai: Bad vibe sandwich just came in. You better retreat. gilmore girls - 217 Kirk: (about Luke's uncle) He kicked my dog when I was a kid. Poor Toto was never the same. gilmore girls - 217 Emily: What do you think of the Romanovs? Luke: They probably had it coming. gilmore girls - 218 (Dean on answering machine) Beep* Hey, it's me. It's 4:00. Call me when you get home. Beep* Hey, uh, it's 4:30. I'm home. Call me. Beep* Quarter to 5:00. Hey, where are you? I'll try to page you. Beep* 5:30. Did you get my page? Call me with the answer. Bye. Rory: They're not all from him. Beep* Hey, I totally forgot you were getting home at 6:00. Lorelai: And yet, oddly, after remembering that information... Beep* Hey, it's 5:45 and I just thought I'd see if you got home early. Lorelai: I swear that boy would make a good drinking game. gilmore girls - 218 Emily: Next thing I know you'll be saying I need a psychiatrist! Lorelai: Too many comebacks. I cannot pick. gilmore girls - 218 Richard: How will you get people to buy something they could normally get for free? Paris: Leopard print. Teenagers will buy anything in leopard print. gilmore girls - 218 Lane: I'm not going to be a salesperson. I want to do something cool! Rory: Then sell refridgerators. Lane: So not funny. gilmore girls - 218 Michel: Good morning. Sookie: It sucks from where I'm sitting. gilmore girls - 218 Emily: Richard, are you serious about this? Richard: As a heart attack. gilmore girls - 218 Rory: Okay, that's a good idea. But, if we went with that, we'd actually have to build a robot. Madeline: Yeah? Rory: And how do you suggest we do that? Madeline: (points to Brad) Well, he looks like he's built one! Brad: I've never built a robot! Louise: (leans over toward him) But you've tried haven't you? Brad: Yes I have. gilmore girls - 219 Lorelai: (To the nurse in the hospital) Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won't giver her daughter a shot? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. gilmore girls - 219 (Settling down to sleep in Rory's room) Lorelai: Good night. Rory: Freak of side show proportions. Lorelai: I love you, too. gilmore girls - 219 Jess: Pick a card. (Rory takes the cards from him and tosses them on the floor.) Jess: Huh. Well that just made the trick a little bit harder. gilmore girls - 219 Christopher: I'm going to need a picture of this Jess so I don't accidentally rip off the head of the wrong kid, because that would be bad gilmore girls - 219 Rory: Mom? Lorelai: Shh! The chair is trying to sleep gilmore girls - 219 Lorelai: So, there was an ambulance? Rory: Yes, there was. Lorelai: Did they use the sirens? Rory: Uh-huh. Lorelai: Ooh, I hope Taylor was already in bed! gilmore girls - 219 Taylor: Are you serious? Lorelai: Not often, but yeah. gilmore girls - 219 Kirk: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time. Lorelai: I'll give you two because you scare me gilmore girls - 219 Christopher: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution. Lorelai: Glad you could join us. gilmore girls - 220 Lorelai: We should be eating, I'm hungry! Don't they want us eating? Isn't that what the point of the Hungry Diner is, to feed the hungry diner? Or is the point of the Hungry Diner to keep the diner hungry, in which case they should call it the Eternally Hungry Diner cuz you're not gonna get any food here, loser! Rory: That would be quite a sign. gilmore girls - 220 Lorelai: Look, I'm giving these paper-topped turkeyheads 3 seconds to seat us, or I swear I'm gonna start... Waitress: Two? Lorelai: Yes, please! Rory: You're gonna what? Lorelai: What? Rory: You said you were gonna do something if somebody didn't seat us in 3 seconds Lorelai: I did? Rory: Yes, you did. And then the waitress came and you never finished saying what you were gonna do. Lorelai: Honey, we've gotta get some food into you, you're imagining things! Rory: What were you gonna do? Lorelai: Shh, you're getting screwy! Rory: Mom! Lorelai: Mom? I'm not your mom, do you need help little girl? Rory: Oh my God! gilmore girls - 220 Emily: You're crude and unprofessional. Lorelai: I'd like that on my tombstone please. gilmore girls - 220 Lorelai: You look like you're tilting. Are you tilting? Rory: I'm not tilting. Lorelai: I think you're tilting. Here, let me balance a pen on your head and make sure. Rory: Ok, see this is not how you console the injured. Lorelai: You're right. Sorry gilmore girls - 220 Kirk: Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse. Lorelai: Designed to keep only you out? Kirk: There's precedent. gilmore girls - 221 Lorelai: I am feeling so good, sista, because it's over! No more finals, no more studying, no more school, the pressure's off. Do you know how much pressure I felt, do you? All last week I felt like a giant man and his brother were sitting on my chest. Rory: A giant man? Lorelai: And his giant brother. Rory: Did they have names? Lorelai: Clem and Clem. Huh, same names, which did not reflect well on the imagination of their mothers. Rory: Mother. Lorelai: Mothers. There were two Clems. Rory: Yeah, 'cause they were brothers. Lorelai: Yes, so they had mothers. Rory: Okay, you're drawing me into your drunken world. Lorelai: It's not a bad place to be, my friend. Mnh-mnh, tank's empty. (Lorelai walks into the kitchen to get another drink.) gilmore girls - 221 Lorelai: I think I just forgot everything I've ever known. (grabbing Rory's arm) Child, what be your name? gilmore girls - 221 Lorelai: Oh, I'm so excited! Isn't this exciting? Man: I've been doing this for eight years. Lorelai: Oh. Not so exciting for you, then. gilmore girls - 221 Man: Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is 44th? Rory: Oh, um, that way. Man: Great, thanks. Rory: I got asked directions. Jess: I saw. Rory: He took me for a native. That's so cool. Jess: That's very impressive. Forty-fourth's the other way. gilmore girls - 222 Lorelai: Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world. Rory: Huh. Lorelai: I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word. Emily: Oh, dear God. Lorelai: Poodle is another funny word. Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai. Lorelai: In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase. Rory: Oy with the poodles already. Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking 'whatcha talking 'bout, Willis?' right out of first place. Emily: Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet. gilmore girls - 222 Paris: (on asking Rory to run for Vice President) Because people think you're nice. You're quiet, you say excuse me, you look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning. People don't fear you. Rory: Hey, I haven't been dressed by a bird since I was two gilmore girls - 222 Rory: Fourth rung of hell, party of one. Lorelai: Well, at least my feet won't get cold. gilmore girls - 301 Luke: Anything besides the Q-tips? Lorelai: Hmm, cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back... gilmore girls - 301 Rory: Hello, living room. Lorelai: (in a squeaky voice) Hello Rory. We missed you. (normal voice) Not the ottoman, of course, but everyone knows he's a snob. Napoleon complex. He only likes the magazine rack. gilmore girls - 301 Lorelai: If you decided you really did want to date Jess, I would help you -- (Rory gives her a look) -- get vaccinated. gilmore girls - 301 Rory: Jamie just asked you out on a date. Paris: He did? Rory: Yes Paris: Did I accept? Rory: Yes. Paris: I'm going out on a date? Rory: Yes you are. Paris: Oh man, I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it. Was it a good ask out? Rory: It was a very good ask out. Paris: God I wish I'd been there. gilmore girls - 301 Jamie: So where's Paris? Rory: Not quite sure. Last time I saw her she was beating the will to live out of our nations representitives. Jamie: She is a hammer isn't she? Rory: Actually she is an entire tool box. (Paris arrives.) Paris: Damn, I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians right when they have to use the bathroom. gilmore girls - 301 (Lorelai calling Rory in Washington after another dream.) Lorelai: Luke was talking to my stomach and touching to it. Rory: You were pregnant? Lorelai: Yes, with twins. Say something. Rory: You are going to be so fat. Lorelai: Just analyze the dream. gilmore girls - 301 Paris: Get in the closet. Rory: What? You're crazy. Paris: If there's no one to compare me to, I might have a fighting chance. Rory: When we get home, get a new therapist because the one you have isn't working. gilmore girls - 301 Lorelai: (to Rory) Do you sometimes think this town is weird or is it just me? gilmore girls - 301 Paris: What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me? Rory: You'll find someone else. Paris: What if there is no one else? Rory: Then you'll get some cats. gilmore girls - 301 Jamie: Where's Paris? Rory: Beating the will to live out of America's best congressmen gilmore girls - 301 Lorelai: I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke! Rory: Was he naked? Lorelai: No! He was making breakfast. Rory: Naked? Lorelai: Okay, you've been in Washington way too long. gilmore girls - 301 Lorelai: I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon. Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me? Lorelai: Just a little. Rory: How much is a little? Lorelai: Learn Russian. gilmore girls - 301 Rory: So how was dinner? Lorelai: So how was Dean? Rory: So how was dinner? Lorelai: So how was Dean? Rory: Ladies and gentlemen, the Williams sisters take center stage at Wimbledon once again. gilmore girls - 301 Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end!' will immediately fly out of people's mouths gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: Honey, you have power, brains, now all you need is a dim-witted, drunken, or drug-addicted relative to constantly humiliate you while you serve in office. Rory: Will you work on that for me? Lorelai: Two steps ahead of you. gilmore girls - 302 (Lorelai reacting to seeing a mouse in the Inn.) Lorelai: Did you call an exterminator? Michel: Why no what a wonderful idea. I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face. Lorelai: When does he get here? Michel: He said we were the first stop. gilmore girls - 302 (Dinner at the Gilmores when Emily is mad at Lorelai.) Lorelai: Oh my God. Emily: Reading in front of other people is extremely rude Lorelai. Lorelai: Shauna Christy shot her husband. Emily: What? Lorelai: Shauna Christy you remember Shauna Christy. Emily: Yes I remember Shauna Christy she was a lovely girl. Lorelai: Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find. Emily: Thats just gossip. Lorelai: Gossip, the man was shot 35 times he looks like a sprinkler system. gilmore girls - 302 Rory: I can't believe Christopher just came over. Lorelai: He misses you. Rory: He misses you. Lorelai: We're very miss-able. gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: (about dinner with Emily) Well, I haven't had that much fun since labor. gilmore girls - 302 Rory: Grandma was only trying to help. Lorelai: Do you still believe in Santa Claus? gilmore girls - 302 Emily: Why are you throwing silverware in a public place? Lorelai: Uh, because I'd feel stupid doing it at home? gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: (to Luke) Could you bring me a sharper fork? I'm not sure this one will go all the way through your hand. gilmore girls - 302 Kirk: (to Lorelai) I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen -- outside of a really filthy magazine gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: But this goes against every rule I have in the Gilmore Survival Guide. Number One: No running with scissors. Number Two: No page-boy haircuts. Number Three: Never, ever have lunch alone with the mother. gilmore girls - 302 Sookie: So today's your lunch with Emily. Lorelai: Yup. Sookie: Any idea what she's gonna say? Lorelai: No, but I bet it's not, "I'm joining the circus, feed your father until I get back." I should just cancel. gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk. Rory: Why? Lorelai: Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk! Rory: Well, as long as he loves you. Lorelai: You are not serious. Rory: I just want you to be happy. Lorelai: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter. gilmore girls - 302 Lorelai: You're off to rule the world! Rory: Paris will rule the world. I'll hold her keys. gilmore girls - 303 (Rory kisses Dean and goes running out of Luke's diner) Luke: Wow, fast runner. Dean: Must be the coffee. Luke: Not your face? Dean: What? Luke: Nothing, just missing my youth years. OK, I'm back. gilmore girls - 303 Lorelai: All those people coming from China and India and God knows where else, they're all nuts for traveling – that's why they're traveling here! And jobs are dropping and dot-com bombing and something's acting like a yo-yo, I don't know what, but it's not good! And over my dead body is Kate Hudson getting your spot, let me just say that right now! gilmore girls - 303 Rory: He's gonna be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo. Lorelai: And her mother, Bambi McBimbo. gilmore girls - 303 Emily: So, she's meeting you here? Lorelai: Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something. She said she'd be over after. Emily: A rumble? Lorelai: Yeah, a bunch of kids meet in an alley, they pirouette, they pull knives, it's a whole to-do. gilmore girls - 303 Lorelai: We need perspective. Rory: We need therapy. Lorelai: And booze! (pause) For those of us over 21, of course. gilmore girls - 303 (filling out college application.) Lorelai: State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any. Rory: That would be Rory. Lorelai: Or droopy drawers. Rory: That was never my nickname. Lorelai: Wrong! I called you that as a baby. Rory: What? Lorelai: That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said "Whoa there droopy drawers". I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come an hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin. gilmore girls - 303 Lorelai: This is an uncontaminated area. I even cleaned the table with something other than the sleeve of my sweater and spit! Rory: Lovely image. gilmore girls - 303 Rory: Can you keep a secret? Lorelai: Not so far, but hey, there's a first time for everything. gilmore girls - 304 Lane: I have got to do something! Rory: Run around the block! Lane: Why? Rory: I don't know! Lane: Good enough for me. (dashes out of the room) gilmore girls - 304 Lorelai: So I think I'm in touch with the other side. Rory: The other side of... Lorelai: The other side. Rory: With Republicans? gilmore girls - 304 Lorelai: Lane can't quit the band! She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono. gilmore girls - 304 Shane: (on phone) Hold on a sec. (to Rory) Will this be all? Rory: Yeah, that'll be all. I'm growing a beard here. Shane: What's your problem? Rory: What's your problem? I'm a customer, I'm in a hurry, and you're supposed to assist me. Shane: I am assisting you. Rory: Yeah, after you took your sweet time getting off the phone, which by the way, clearly was not a business call. Shane: Un-freaking-believable. Rory: Yeah, it is, it is. The level of service in this place is just that un-freaking-believable. Shane: Have a nice day. Rory: Yeah, thanks, you too. And by the way, bloaty is not a word. There's bloated, there's bloating, but no bloaty. Shane: Thanks, that's fascinating. Rory: Well, for you, how ice is made is probably fascinating. See ya. gilmore girls - 304 Mrs. Kim: Question one: What would you say if you met Jesus on the street? gilmore girls - 304 Lane: Rory, I just drank a gallon of liquid salad. Insanity is a daily staple at the Kim house. gilmore girls - 304 Luke: Hey, wait now. You're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me now, aren't you? Lorelai: Aren't you! Luke: What? Lorelai: Who? Luke: Stop it! Lorelai: Bye! gilmore girls - 304 Lorelai: (running up and hugging Rory and Lane) At last, people who like me! gilmore girls - 304 Lorelai: They were coming at me like I was Poland and they were Nazis! gilmore girls - 304 Lane: The smell of bleach is the smell of freedom! Rory: Aren't you in a dramatic mood today. gilmore girls - 304 Luke: (to Lorelai, who is being annoying) Have you been diagnosed yet? gilmore girls - 304 Lorelai: All Stars Hollow moms look alike, except that freaky one with the glass eye that never moves. gilmore girls - 304 Zack: Breathing should not be louder than rock music. Am I right or am I right? gilmore girls - 304 Luke: (bringing Lorelai and Rory burgers) Here's your dead cow. gilmore girls - 304 Lane: Of course, I don't exactly have what you and Dean have because you love Dean and Dean loves you back. In my situation, I love Dave and Dave thinks that I have a decent sense of rhythm. gilmore girls - 304 Luke: Jess, you don't shove a girl in a closet. Jess: I did not shove her in the closet. She got in voluntarily. gilmore girls - 305 Michel: And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements. Lorelai: Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'! gilmore girls - 305 Emily: Oh, this is so like you. Lorelai: What is so like me? Emily: You spend 5 seconds with a person and if they say one wrong thing you turn on them, and never give them a second chance. Lorelai: What? Emily: You're extremely judgemental. Lorelai: I'm not extremely judgemental, of the pot calling the kettle black. I spent two and a half hours with a man who talked about nothing but himself and his car. Emily: He's proud of his accomplishments. Whats wrong with that? Lorelai: He didn't end world hunger mom. He simply made the decision to spring for the bigger tires. gilmore girls - 305 Lorelai: Thank you. You're my favorite daughter. Rory: You say that to all your daughters. Lorelai: Yes, I do, but I only mean it with you gilmore girls - 305 Lorelai: Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and...Oh right, confidential, got it...Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school...Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname....Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit...No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence....See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win!...Fourteen million dollars!....Really, but see, we have to claim it by four pm today or we forfeit....Ah, yes....Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that....All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. (hangs up.) gilmore girls - 305 Michel: Always. You've got to be patient and wait for what you want to appear, then pounce. Lorelai: Hm, true at an auction, true at a singles bar. gilmore girls - 305 Michel: Ah, I have an excellent arm raise. Lorelai: That's what it says on the bathroom wall. gilmore girls - 305 Lorelai: I bought a couple of end tables for the Inn. Emily: I must say I was very impressed with the selection this year. I even wound up purchasing a couple of things myself. Richard: Yes, how nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in. Emily: It's 100 years old. Richard: Wonderful we can put it next to the 200 year old foot stool you can't put your feet on. Emily: Oh Richard, please. Richard: I'm only teasing, Emily. It's one of my great pleasures in life to surround you with a house full of useless objects. No. I'm never happier then when we're standing in the corner staring at out furniture. Emily: Eat your pork, please. gilmore girls - 305 Rory: Geez, did he talk about anything else but his car? Lorelai: Not until we got to the restaurant, then the wine list. Rory: Oh no he's a winey? Lorelai: Yes, he sniffed and swirled and swished and did every other pretentious and borderline disquisting thing you can do with a glass of wine in a public place. gilmore girls - 305 Michel: Take me to the auction. Lorelai: Michel. Michel: Take me, I insist you take me. Lorelai: You don't even know if i'll be any good. It's just Society Women. Michel: If your mother's involved it will be impeccable, and I haven't been to an impeccable auction in over a year. Lorelai: Well I don't know. Michel: What do you want? Lorelai: Michel, I don't want anything. Michel: Stop playing coy with me. I want into that auction you name your price. Lorelai: OK, you've got to work weekends for the rest of this month. Michel: Done. Lorelai: And you have to answer the phone when it rings. Michel: Done. Lorelai: And answer it, in English unless the person is actually foreign. Michel: Done. Lorelai: And you have to oversee the nature hikers next week. Michel: No. Lorelai: Michel, if you want to go to this auction you have to be in the lobby at 6:00 Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles. You have to show them the hiking trails and let them give you a nature name. Michel: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name. Lorelai: Alright then you can come. Michel: Thank you. Lorelai: Buttercup! Michel: You can't give them suggestions. gilmore girls - 305 Lorelai: (Phone rings and Lorelai answers) Independence Inn Emily: You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work. Lorelai: Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better? Emily: Yes, thank you. gilmore girls - 305 Luke: (Looks at the breast feeding lady) This cannot be sanitary. Lorelai: You're right you don't know where those things have been. gilmore girls - 305 (A woman is breast feeding her baby in Lukes diner.) Luke: Is she doing what I think she is doing? Lorelai: Well I can't be 100% sure but....OK yeah, that's lunch. Luke: Why? Why do they do this? This is a public place. People are eating here. Rory: They sure are. gilmore girls - 305 Richard: Did you hear what I just said? Lorelai: Yes, it sounds insane! Richard: I know it's insane! Of course it's insane, that's not the point! gilmore girls - 305 Dwight: I can show you now or before you leave. Lorelai: When do you leave? Dwight: Six A.M. Lorelai: Now sounds fine. gilmore girls - 305 Rory: Oh, look! Babies! Lorelai: Never say those words again! gilmore girls - 305 (seeing a lady breast feeding her baby.) Jess: Oh my god! Ahh! (goes back upstairs.) gilmore girls - 306 Lorelai: Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy? Luke: Same as everyone. Just kinda skulks around with that backpack. Never smiles. Lorelai: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap? gilmore girls - 306 Rory: I can go from zero to studying in less than 60 seconds. gilmore girls - 306 Kirk: Man, that car's a honey. Dual piston cams, diplex overdrive with maximum torque, sixteen liter side-by-side firing three on one. Sweet. Luke: Kirk, none of that makes any sense. I know a little about cars. That was all gibberish. Kirk: Would you mind not tellling people about this? I've cultivated a reputation as sort of a car aficionado, and in reality all I have is a Jan and Dean record. I should probably listen to it again. Luke: Yeah, I would. gilmore girls - 306 Luke: I wasn't here last night. Jess: But you are always here in my heart, Uncle Luke. gilmore girls - 306 (the town is observing the Town Loner's protest.) Luke: What's he carrying? Miss Patty: Something all rolled up. Taylor: Probably a body. Rory: It looks heavy too. Lorelai: Well, bodies are heavy. Taylor: That's not funny. gilmore girls - 306 Archie: The church is exempt from your town statutes Taylor. David: We answer to a higher authority like the hotdog. Archie: I laugh every time you say that. Taylor: I can guarentee that God does not want this either. Archie: Did you hear that David? Taylor Doose is in direct communications with God. David: 30 years I'm working for God I haven't got even a card. Archie: Is it by phone that you speak with him Taylor? David: Do you have a God phone Taylor? gilmore girls - 306 (town meeting after Taylor gives his speach on the birds.) Babette: You get dumped on Taylor? Taylor: It's not just me. Luke: If anybody has a picture of Taylor being dumped on. I'll pay top dollar. Kirk: I'll check the Internet. gilmore girls - 306 Rory: These catalogs will be here forever. Lorelai: No they won't, they're biodegradable. gilmore girls - 306 Lorelai: This is a stack of identical catalogs mailed to Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Lorelai Rory Gilmore, Lorelai V Gilmore, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, Lorelai Gilmo, Lorelai Gil and Squeegy Beckinheim. Rory: How'd that get in there? Lorelai: I once told the store that my name was Squeegy Beckinheim just to see how many catalogs they'd sell my name to. And apparently, my name is to catalog companies what Brooke Shield's picture is to Chinese Restaurants. Rory: How many? Lorelai: 10. Rory: Wow. gilmore girls - 306 Gypsy: You ride your brakes. Bad for the truck, good for me. I like replacing brakes. Pays for the cable TV. Jackson: No problem. How 'bout I just make the check out directly to your cable company, would that be easier for you? Gypsy: Yeah, thanks. And get some extra checks 'cause you're gonna be making one out to my milkman, too. Oh, and looky here, you just bought me a couch. gilmore girls - 306 Rory: What should our S.O.S. signal be? Lorelai: How about 'S.O.S.'? Rory: Perfect. gilmore girls - 306 Taylor: Seeing how our attention spans are 'gnat-like' today.. gilmore girls - 306 Taylor: (at town meeting) Birds have been relieving themselves on innocent passers-by, and studies have shown that they may be doing it on purpose. gilmore girls - 306 Kirk: Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car...or a bike...or my roller skates back. gilmore girls - 306 Lorelai: Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls? Rory: You would think. Lorelai: What's green for -- aliens? gilmore girls - 306 Lorelai: I just want to rearrange her whole house. Rory: You can't do that. Lorelai: Please, just let me mess up her bed. You make a distraction like setting a fire, and I'll go up and uncolor coordinate her sheets. Rory: I think the fire would be the thing that she would remember. gilmore girls - 307 Luke: Get out, Taylor. Taylor: Why? Luke: Just a code I live by. gilmore girls - 307 Lorelai: Have you ever had mad cow disease? Luke: Twice last week. gilmore girls - 307 Rory: Dean, please. This is a girl thing. Dean: Okay. Tell me when I'm supposed to pay attention again. gilmore girls - 307 Rory: There's this big event happening in my town. Paris: Pig race? Rory: Dance marathon. Paris: I was close. gilmore girls - 307 Rory: I can't even open my eyes. Lorelai: That okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps. Rory: Oh my God, stop! I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again. gilmore girls - 307 Lorelai: Oh. Four years in a row, I have come this close to winning. Last year, I swear to God, I had it! Luke: I know the story. Lorelai: It was hour twenty-three. Luke: I know the story. Lorelai: I'm dancing with Henry Ho-Ho McAphie the third. Luke: How many people heard me say I know the story? (several customers raise their hands.) Lorelai: And Ho-Ho's fading, so I'm trying to buck him up, saying "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me Ho-Ho," and then all of a sudden he starts yelling, "Stop calling me Ho-Ho, it's making me hungry! Luke: Oh, hey, look, there goes Tommy Tune. Lorelai: And out of nowhere, Kirk comes dancing by, waving a McDonald's hot apple pie in the air and of course Ho-Ho lunges for the pie and drops my hand and that was it. Kirk wins, I'm out. I'm gonna get that Ho-Ho someday. gilmore girls - 307 Sookie: But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet. Lorelai: Well, honey, you have to tell Jackson that. Sookie: I can't. Lorelai: Sookie, this is not like the fruit bowl his mother gave you. You can't stick four kids in the attic and just pull them out at Christmas. gilmore girls - 307 Luke: I think I have some glue back at the diner. Lorelai: Glue, yes – we love glue! Luke: I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you. gilmore girls - 307 Taylor: Have you ever tried to levitate a Rottweiler before? Miss Patty: No. Taylor: Not easy gilmore girls - 307 Lorelai: Tell me a joke. Rory: (sleepily) Knock knock. Lorelai: (giggles, half out of it) That was a good one. gilmore girls - 307 Sookie: But, you're my best friend. Lorelai: Yes, I am, and I can only remain your best friend as long as Jackson doesn't kill me. Sookie: Lorelai! Lorelai: Sookie, he's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash'll be especially chatty that year gilmore girls - 308 Rory: Can we not say the word "college" for at least forty-eight hours? Lorelai: Fine. Rory: Thank you. Lorelai: How 'bout "collage," can we say "collage"? 'Cause it sounds the same, but it's actually very different. Rory: Collage is fine. Lorelai: Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without using the word collage. gilmore girls - 308 Rory: We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. It's over. No harm, no foul. Lorelai: How many more two-word sentences can you come up with? gilmore girls - 308 Kirk: You've got to help me, Luke -- I'm shaking like a spastic colon! gilmore girls - 308 Lorelai: Your seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory? Luke: If I have to, yes! And if you were really a concerned mother you'd go with me. Lorelai: No I can't do that. But if you like I'll let you sniff Rory's sweater, maybe her scent will help you track them down. Luke: The things you find amusing astound me sometimes. (Luke turns to leave then turns back around to grab Rory's sweater.) Lorelai: Your really gonna sniff it? Luke: No, it's cold out. She may need it. gilmore girls - 308 Lorelai: Why are you sitting over there? Rory: Where? Lorelai: At that table. Rory: Hugh? How did I get here? Lorelai: You sat there. Rory: This chair's very close to that chair so you understand how I could've made the mistake. Lorelai: Move over here with me? Rory: Why don't you move over here with me? Lorelai: Because I'm not the one who sat in the wrong chair. Rory: I think it's a little presumptous to assume that my chair is the wrong chair when my chair could just as easily be the right chair. Lorelai: No. Rory: Why? Lorelai: Because I'm the leader of the clan. The provider of the household. The Alpha male. And the one whose feet just fell asleep. So there's absolutly no chance of movement. Rory: Fine. gilmore girls - 308 Rory: You know it doesn't have to be a total loss. Lorelai: Look how she's leading me back to the car. Rory: I'm sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while they're off at dinner. Some cool road-trip thing. Lorelai: In New Haven? Rory: Well yeah. Loelai: Sweetie have you ever been to New Haven? Rory: No. Lorelai: Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it. That's New Haven. gilmore girls - 308 (Rory and Lorelai get into the car after Friday night dinner. Lorelai starts the car.) Rory: I have to tell you something. Lorelai: Ok Rory: Grandpa talked to me tonight (Loralei turns off the car.) Why'd you turn the car off? Lorelai: I'm just getting the sense that I shouldn't be driving a large vehicle when you tell me this gilmore girls - 308 Luke: Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory. I think this is great. Don't you think this is great? Lorelai: I think Rory is 17. It's probably time for a Jess. Luke: Look, I know Jess is a little tough sometimes, but he likes Rory and Rory's a good kid. Hopefully she'll rub off on him. Lorelai: You know what? I spent a lot of time and energy fighting this whole Jess thing. Rory's made her choice. I want her to be happy. I'm just hoping for the best at this point. Luke: Very romantic... Lorelai: Says the man who yelled "finally" at the end of Love Story. gilmore girls - 308 Emily: And what do you intend to do with that paper clip? Lorelai: I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door. Emily: Lorelai. Lorelai: What rhymes with Nantucket? gilmore girls - 308 Emily: This is where your father proposed. Rory: Really? Richard: That's right. Lorelai: By the trash can. Emily: That's right. Lorelai: Well, that's very romantic. . .especially if you need to spit your gum out. [...] Richard: Oh, glad to hear it. Shall we continue? Lorelai: Okay, but you're not gonna show me the vending machine where I was conceived, are you? 'Cause I don't think I can take it. gilmore girls - 308 Luke: They did? I was at the dance, how come I didn't know about this? Lorelai: Because you're you. gilmore girls - 308 Kirk: It's almost more a weapon than a trophy. Lorelai: Really? Can I hold it, then? gilmore girls - 308 Lorelai: Maybe if we concentrate really hard, our combined psychic powers will move it closer. (They stare at the diner.) Rory: I don't think it's working. Lorelai: It's my fault, I'm not focusing. Rory: Yes, that must be why we can't move a half a city block closer to us. gilmore girls - 308 (About his relationship with Rory.) Jess: What do you think is going to happen? Luke: You know what I think is going to happen. Jess: No I don't. Tell me. Tell me what I'm going to do to her. Luke: You're not going to do anything to her because when you're at her place, there's Lorelai, and when you're here, there's me, and when you're out there, there's Taylor. gilmore girls - 308 Kirk: Luke, where's your lost and found? Luke: Outside, in the dumpster. gilmore girls - 309 Luke: Shoudn't we say thanks first? Jess: For what? Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for small pox infested blankets. Lorelai: Amen. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: So no offense but whats with that lame-o kiss? Rory: What? Lorelai: You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other. Rory: Mind your own business. Lorelai: Well it was right in front of me. Rory: So, I don't need a review gilmore girls - 309 Rory: How do you feel? Lorelai: I ate Tofurkey! How do you think I feel? Rory: Tofurkier? Lorelai: Drat that Mrs. Kim for not taking her eyes off me the whole time. It's like she was anticipating my napkin maneuver. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: So Mrs Kim, we brought you some gifts. Rory: Flowers. Lorelai: And cranberry sauce, our little Thanksgiving tradition. Mrs. Kim: Thank you, you can never have too much. Rory: That's what we say. Lorelai: Plus a chocolate turkey. Mrs. Kim: What should I do with this? Lorelai: Oh I don't know, let the kids share it? Mrs. Kim: Then send the blank check to their dentist? gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: Kirk! He got your neck. Kirk: That was another mistake of mine. I put his food bowl down in front of him. He doesn't like that or she doesn't. Lorelai: She? I thought it was a boy. Kirk: That was just a guess. He actually hasn't exposed his underside to me yet. Or hers. Lorelai: Wow, here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon. Kirk: From your mouth to God's ears. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: So how did it happen? You were playing or something? Kirk: We haven't actually played yet. This happened when I accidently walked into the room without announcing myself. Lorelai: Excuse me? Kirk: I discovered Kirk likes my presence announced before I enter any room that he's in. Lorelai: You have to announce yourself? Kirk: Yeah, just a quick, "Is it okay?" if I come in from an ajacent room. Otherwise, he gets a little testy. Lorelai: Hence the sctarch. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: Rory what are we if not the world's champion eaters? Rory: It's too much food. Lorelai: It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour. Rory: Or final hour. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: We disappointed Luke. Rory: I didn't think it was possible. Lorelai: Our powers are greater then we thought. Rory: He actually likes it when we come for Thanksgiving. All these years and we never knew. Lorelai: Hmm. He's the grinch and we're Cindy Lou Who. Rory: So, Cindy Lou, what do we do? gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: Kirk. Kirk: yes. Lorelai: No I mean the cat's name is Kirk? Kirk: Yup. Lorelai: Weird coincidence or.... Kirk: I named him Kirk. Lorelai: Isn't that confusing? Kirk: Not when you think about it. Lorelai: (Pauses to think) No, It's still confsing. Kirk: I like the name. Whenever I call Kirk's name I obviously won't be calling myself. Lorelai: True. Kirk: Although when my mom calls for Kirk that may be confusing. Maybe I can get her to say 'Cat Kirk' when she's calling Kirk and 'Human Kirk' when she call me. Rory: That would keep it straight. Kirk: I'm glad I ran into you. See you. Lorelai: See you 'Human Kirk'. Rory: Bye 'Human Kirk'. gilmore girls - 309 Paris: My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie. Rory: How so? Paris: I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It's Thanksgiving. You'd think they'd have needs. Nope, every stupid Soup Kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers. Madeline: Bummer Paris: I'm on a couple of waiting lists but it doesn't look good. Rory: I've never heard of too many volunteers. Paris: Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can't all be students like me. They're not all putting it on a college application. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: Oh, please, we're not eating for a year. Rory: Or 'til tomorrow morning. Lorelai: Whichever comes first gilmore girls - 309 Emily: It's freezing out here. Lorelai: It's Jamaica compared to in there. gilmore girls - 309 Lorelai: Oh no, I'm fine, you know why? Because in two hours – and I do plan on extricating us from here in exactly two hours – the night will be over and I won't have to see them again until next year. Oh, start your stopwatch. gilmore girls - 309 Rory: What is the oil for? Lorelai: For pouring on Visigoths. Sookie: Lorelai! Lorelai: When else am I gonna get to use my Visigoth material? gilmore girls - 309 (Lorelai and Rory walk into the diner.) Lorelai: Hey. Anywhere? Luke: Anywhere. Lorelai: (to customer at table) Hm, would you mind moving? gilmore girls - 309 Mrs. Kim: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces. gilmore girls - 310 Emily: (about Lorelai's house) Is it clean? Lorelai: Yeah, it's clean. Emily: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find? Lorelai: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat. gilmore girls - 310 Rory: If she doesn't like the house what happens then? Lorelai: I think we have to move. Smile pretty. Hi mom. Hi dad. Hi gran. Was your trip here good? Trix: The trip was fine. Hello Rory. Rory: Hi Gran, Hi granma, Hi grandpa. Trix: Well now that we have exhausted the greetings, kindly move aside I'd like to see your house. Lorelai: Good come on in. Emily: If I pass out... Lorelai: I'll yell "timber". gilmore girls - 310 Trix: Hello Lorelai. Lorelai: Hello Gran, good to see you. Trix: You're well? Lorelai: I am. Trix: You're working? Lorelai: I'm working. Trix: You're single? Lorelai: I'm single. Trix: By choice? Or do you scare the men off with your independence? Lorelai: Actually, I scare them with my Minnie Pearl impression. gilmore girls - 310 Lorelai: Could you get rid of it? Dean: Yeah, yeah. Lorelai: Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive. And this was a really big spider. I think it had a gun. gilmore girls - 310 (Lorelai screams when she see's a spider on the kitchen floor then puts an empty cup on it. There's a knock at the door.) Lorelai: Come in , Dean... Hi. Dean: Hi uh, I hope I'm not disturbing anything. Lorelai: Oh no, Absolutely not. Dean: Good, um I just wanted to... Lorelai: Ah Ah Ah. Dean: What? Lorelai: Don't kick the cup. Dean: Why? Lorelai: I have a spider whose previous credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall trapped under that cup. Dean: The size of a Buick. Lorelai: Yeah. Dean: I see. What are you planning to do now that you've got him trapped? Lorelai: I was thinking about giving him the kitchen cause we don't use it much anyway. gilmore girls - 310 Lane: I'm sorry but can we get back to the uniforms. Okay on a scale of 1 to 10 how much do I not want to let Dave see me like that? Lorelai and Rory: (At the same time) 10. Lane: Ok, thanks. gilmore girls - 310 Lane: Are you serious. Lorelai: I am serious. Lane: We can really rehearse in your garage? Lorelai: In exchange for the promise that you never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone no matter how much trouble your career is in. Lane: I promise, I love you. gilmore girls - 310 Rory: Paris, the bell rang. Paris: What? Rory: The bell, that loud metal musical contraption that when hit loudly by a vibrating mallet signals the end ot this particular education experience. Paris: Class is over? Rory: Yes gilmore girls - 310 Michel: Your mother is on the phone. Lorelai: Oh, can you take a message? Michel: You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however... Lorelai: I got it. (takes the phone) Hey Mom. gilmore girls - 311 Joe: We had a real interesting group. Sookie, me, Feldman, Mellon and Bung. Lorelai: Bung? Sookie: He was the grillman. He's been up there for a couple of years already. Joe and I were both prep. Lorelai: And I repeat Bung? Alex: Don't look at me. I'm still wondering if Mellon's a man or a woman. gilmore girls - 311 Emily: That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination. Lorelai: Hmm. Emily: You might at least act surprised. Lorelai: It's not the first time, is it? Emily: It most certainly is. Lorelai: Really? Emily: Yes, Lorelai, really. Lorelai: Well, then, I'm surprised. gilmore girls - 311 Maid: Your mother's in the living room. Lorelai: So last chance to run, huh? Maid: Excuse me? Rory: Just ignore her. gilmore girls - 311 Emily: When did you two get here? Lorelai: Sometime between the second absurd and the third unbelievable. gilmore girls - 311 Lorelai: Okay. Now, Sookie's on top of the menu. Let's make sure the dining room's open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they'll need. Michel: Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don't People Think You Know What The Hell You're Doing?" gilmore girls - 312 Luke: So tell me something, what's it like being Taylor's lawyer? Miss Leahy: Well actually I'm not Mr. Doose's lawyer or only lawyer. He's one of our clients. So all our attorneys deal with him on a rotating basis. It's my month. Luke: My condolences. Miss Leahy: You know my father always told me that whatever does not kill you, makes you stronger. Luke: Your gonna be really strong. gilmore girls - 312 Luke: What the hell is going on Taylor? Taylor: I'm renovating your building. You know that very well. Luke: I also know that the renovation is supposed to be going on over there inside the buliding. Taylor: There is plenty of room to move around if you turn sideways. Luke: I'm gonna punch you in the nose. gilmore girls - 312 Nicole: (to Jess) Is Lucas Danes here? Jess: (to Luke) Oh Lucas! gilmore girls - 312 Jess: She laughed at your jokes, and we both know there's gotta be some ulterior motive when people laugh at your jokes. gilmore girls - 312 Lorelai: I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit! gilmore girls - 313 Lorelai: And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you're sitting like that. Sherry: Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster. Lorelai: Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source. gilmore girls - 313 Lorelai: Oh Rory, come on. Did you order from Amazon again? Because we're getting your books their own house. Rory: I didn't, I swear. Lorelai: It's from my mother. Rory: What is it? Lorelai: It's heavy. It must be her hopes and dreams for me. Rory: I thought she discarded those years ago. gilmore girls - 313 Rory: I have been cordially invited to Sherry Tinsdale's C-section. Lorelai: (gasps) No way. Rory: Friday Feb. 7 6:00pm "Join the girls for a toast. a hug, a wave to the mommy as they wheel her off. Dinner at Sushi, Sushi and then back to the hospital for a formal viewing of brand new baby, Georgia. RSVP at your earliest convenience. P.S. Gifts are not necessary but are always appreciated." Lorelai: You have to RSVP to a C-section? gilmore girls - 313 (Customer calls to change his party theme again.) Lorelai: He decided the golf theme was dull. And he doesn't want to be remembered as dull. Michel: Would he like to be remembered as limping? Because I can be a fabulous help with that. gilmore girls - 313 Emily: My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris and stayed at the Ritz. Lorelai: Well I'll tell you what. If it'll make you happy, we'll go to Paris and eat out of their dumpsters gilmore girls - 313 Lorelai: Tell Sherry to keep her legs crossed 'til I get there. Rory: Does that work? Lorelai: No. Bye. gilmore girls - 313 Paris: Okay, everyone, gather around. I have in my hand the 2002 Franklin Yearbook photos. I got copies for everyone, so let's leave the Barney's clearance sale reenactment for another day, shall we? gilmore girls - 313 Emily: What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds? Lorelai: Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll probably think, "Lucky!" gilmore girls - 313 Lorelai: Oh no, it's raining in Spain! But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain... Rory: ...looks like Italy for us. Lorelai: Mamma Mia! gilmore girls - 313 Emily: Lorelai, you're having a baby! Lorelai: Well, that explains the stomachache. gilmore girls - 314 Lorelai: (reading her appointment notes) I also have "resha plabasham." Rory: What? Lorelai: I don't know. I can't read it. Rory: Shouldn't you change your system? Lorelai: Hey, my system works. Rory: Yeah, tell that to the guy who calls tomorrow because you missed your "resha plabasham" appointment. gilmore girls - 314 Emily: The roast looks perfect. Oh Jess, do you eat meat? I forgot to ask you. Jess: I'm a carnivore. Emily: Good, I don't see how anybody could resist meat. Jess: That's why we have teeth. Emily: That's how I feel. gilmore girls - 314 Emily: So, we'll have lamb for dinner and Jess will come. Rory: So everybody will be nice to everybody? Emily: Yes, very nice. Rory: Really, really nice? Emily: Of course, It'll be nice. That's what I said. Rory: Good, nice will be nice. Emily: And a nice night it will be. Lorelai: Well, not so nice for the lamb. gilmore girls - 314 Luke: Hey. Find it okay? Lorelai: Yeah. I found everything -- including a couple coupling. Luke: Oh, Rory and Jess? Lorelai: No, Ben and J. Lo. Yes, Rory and Jess. gilmore girls - 314 Rory: We need a signal. Lorelai: A kissing signal? Rory: Something to avoid this. Lorelai: Okay, um, how 'bout I shoot off a flare when I'm outside necking with a boy? Rory: You know what I mean. Lorelai: Or I could bang on the door and yell, "Hey, we're necking out here!" Rory: I still say we need a signal. gilmore girls - 314 Lorelai: Hey, you know what Gran needs? Emily: What? Lorelai: A fella. Rory: With or without an umbrella. gilmore girls - 315 Luke: Back when I was on the track team, we went to State three times in four years, and won it twice. Think they made buttons and put up banners? They couldn't care less. Lorelai: Luke, that's because track is for dorks. Rory: Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry. Luke: Okay, the conversing part of this morning is now over. gilmore girls - 315 Rory: If I had known sports was so much about eating, I would've come to a lot more of these. Lane: I know, there's something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while you eat junk food. gilmore girls - 315 Kirk: (calling the hockey game) Number 12 has it now, he's skating, he's skating, my bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingie but that's conjecture at this point. gilmore girls - 315 Mrs. Kim: You have everything you need? Food, water, music notes? Dave: Yes Mrs. Kim: Where's your tambourine? Dave: We don't have one. Mrs. Kim: Next time bring one. Zack: (to Brian) Dude, remember the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket? Brian: Totally! gilmore girls - 315 Rory: (at hockey game) So this is sports. gilmore girls - 315 Zack : (singing) A mighty fortress is our God. A bulwark never failing. (to Brian) Dude, what's a bulwark? Brian: What? Zack: It says a bulwark never failing. Brian: I think it's a wall. Zack: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sound so gay. Brian: I don't think your supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something. Zack: Whatever, I'm still not saying bulwark. gilmore girls - 315 Lorelai: You're giving it away. Rory: What? Lorelai: You're eating too quickly. Rory: What? You said we had to be out of here by 8:30. Lorelai: Yeah, but I didn't tell you to broadcast it. Rory: I'm eating at the speed you are eating. Lorelai: You're eating small bites very fast. You gotta eat bigger bites at normal speed. Rory: You mean I should risk chocking to make our Friday night plans? Lorelai: Exactly. gilmore girls - 315 Taylor: I myself was the goal keeper for our team in the last regional finals. Lorelai: I did not know that. Taylor: Oh, yes. I was responsible for the game winning goal. Luke: So the puck just ricocheted off your head into the net? Taylor: Still counted... Luke: For God's sake. I was making a joke. You really got pucked in the head? Taylor: No...I was making a joke too. Luke: Wow, you can still see the dent. gilmore girls - 315 Lane: What do you mean? He's jealous. Oh my God, he's jealous, that's so great. Rory: You've worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim. Lane: I've never made a guy jealous before. I feel so powerful. Rory: Just remember, there's cute jealous and there's Othello. gilmore girls - 315 Emily: Lorelai, hello. Lorelai: Mom? Emily: You remember, I'm so touched. gilmore girls - 315 Rory: Your mom loves Dave? Lane: She said he's a righteous young man who's proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that's pretty close to love. gilmore girls - 315 Rory: (about Jess) Not a word. Not even a lame-o apology that is obviously a lie. Lorelai: Yeah, how dare he not lie to you. gilmore girls - 315 Richard: (about Trix's boyfriend) Do you really think he was wearing a track suit? Well, I wonder if he was wearing Nikes also. Lorelai: 'Just do it' takes on a whole new meaning doesn't it? gilmore girls - 315 Lorelai: (after Emily snaps and Richard starts laughing with tears in his eyes) OK, apparently it's 'two-for-one flip-out night' at the Gilmore house. gilmore girls - 316 Lorelai: (about Luke's menu) When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no. Luke: And I stand by that. gilmore girls - 316 (at the Chilton Bicentennial ceremony) Richard: It's quite a nice turnout you have here. Lorelai: Yes, well, we're very proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night. Richard: Your mind never tires for a moment, does it? Lorelai: It will once people start talking. gilmore girls - 316 Lorelai: Max is back for a little while. And I am happy to report that either he's forgiven me for treating him so badly or it wasn't that bad. I just built it up worse in my head. Rory: Oh no. You treated him like crap. gilmore girls - 316 Richard: Three of your mother's friends from her DAR group had strokes. Now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can. Lorelai: Three DAR strokes? What's in the water they are drinking? Richard: Well, a little whiskey usually. gilmore girls - 316 Lorelai: Sookie, I love you and I love your food you know that. But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things I have ever tasted. And I have tasted some very bad things. Sookie: What? Lorelai: You sure you didn't accidentally drop something in the food tonight like, Oh I don't know Strychnine or manure? gilmore girls - 316 Rory: Mom's a little crabby this morning. Lorelai: I am not crabby. I'm very very ill. Rory: With allergies. Lorelai: Deadly allergies. Rory: Sorry, I didn't mean to minimize your condition. Shall we make funeral arrangements now? Lorelai: Yes, and make sure you get your money back if these pill work. Rory: Where did you get these? Lorelai: Found them in your room. Rory: These expired in 1998. Lorelai: So... What I should take 4 then? gilmore girls - 316 Rory: Aren't you supposed to go through the mail before you get here? Kirk: Some work that way. Personally, I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job. gilmore girls - 316 Rory: A big envelope, not a little envelope. Lorelai: Yeah, a big envelope means she's in, a little envelope means she needs to marry rich. gilmore girls - 316 Lorelai: Excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it. Woman: We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there. Take a look. Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right. Lorelai: Thank you. Hmm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke. gilmore girls - 316 Paris: Rory? Rory: What, Paris? Paris: I slept with Jamie. Last night. After we talked. Rory: Was it something I said? gilmore girls - 317 Kirk: Good morning, ladies. May I interest you in a shirt? Lorelai: Aw, Kirk, you're not selling your laundry again, are you? Luke: No solicitors, Kirk. Kirk: How about if I cut you in for a piece of the action? Luke: How about I toss the shirts out the door first so you can have something to land on? gilmore girls - 317 Miss Patty: (when a recitation of "The Raven" is dragging on too long) Poor Edgar Allan Poe has suffered so much. And now we've gotta suffer along with him. gilmore girls - 317 Rory: I got to go. But page me if there's any news or anything. Lorelai: Ok. You mean like if Michel killed Babette, then Miss Patty, then himself in a bizzare murder-suicide pact? Rory: Amongst other things. gilmore girls - 317 Lorelai: You all set up here? Michel: Computer with internet, phones forwarded here and printer is on the way. Miss Patty: And I'm the receptionist. Babbette: And I'm learning the computer. Michel: And I'm looking for my cyanide capsule. Have you seen it? gilmore girls - 317 Michel: You've got to shorten your greeting. Miss Patty: What? Michel: You don't need to recite the Gettysburg Address every time you answer the phone. Miss Patty: I was Ricardo Montalban's receptionist for 6 months and he never complained. Michel: Who? Miss Patty: Don't make me hit you. gilmore girls - 317 Lorelai: What's with the Poes? Rory: They look upset. Miss Patty: Want to hear the scoop? Lorelai: Please. Miss Patty: I was here when they both arrived. They got their signals crossed. They were spposed to perform different things. But they both came to do The Raven. Lorelai: If Poes fight will it punch a hole in the space-time continum? Rory: And take us to a universe where things are the opposite of how it is here? gilmore girls - 317 Luke: You know how Jess works at Wal-Mart. Lorelai: Yes I do. Luke: It seems he was actually chosen employee of the month. Lorelai: Really? Luke: I know it sounds timy. Lorelai: No Luke that's not timy. That really good. Luke: There's probably hundreds of people working at that branch and they singled him out. I got a letter addressed to the family of Jess Mariano inviting me down to some little ceremony they're having. Lorelai: Are you going? Luke: He'd hate it if I was there. He's have me seeing him participate in some corporate ceremony like that. Being called upstanding and responsible. It would kill him. Yeah I'm going. Lorelai: Good boy. gilmore girls - 317 Rory: Look at my wall. Lorelai: So? Rory: So, that wall says something. Lorelai: Yeah, it says the Harvard merchandising department made a nice chunk of change off of us. gilmore girls - 317 Lorelai: You checked the Cheshire Cat, the Maiden's Teacup, the Cookie House, the Sugarbear Inn? Michel: Every place that sounds like Glinda the Good Witch threw up, yes – all booked gilmore girls - 317 Lorelai: Oh, is this everyone from the Edgar Allen Poe Society? Michel: If you mean the I-should-be-sterilized-so-that-my-disturbing-idiosyncrasies-aren't-passed-onto-the-next-generation society, then yes, that's them. gilmore girls - 317 Babette: Hey Michel, I just hit F4 and the Num Lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's freakin' out like it's on acid or something! gilmore girls - 317 Luke: You tuck a bed in on both sides? Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket. Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there. gilmore girls - 318 Jackson: I have a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual, except this time I didn't cause it! gilmore girls - 318 Lorelai: We could buy a boat. Rich people always have a boat. Rory: We could park it in the front yard. Lorelai: Yeah, like white trash rich people. gilmore girls - 318 Lorelai: I feel so rich. And suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say. gilmore girls - 318 Emily: Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa. Lorelai: Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles? Emily: Oh, Teresa can do that. Lorelai: Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing. Emily: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it? Lorelai: No. Richard: Well would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers? Lorelai: Why am I being mocked on my birthday? Rory: Because it's the Gilmore way. gilmore girls - 318 Rory: What's the matter, Pete? Pete: We did a trial run of the pizza, you know, just want to make sure everything was right there for the big day. Rory: I appreciate that. Pete: So we made a trial pizza and Kirk built a pizza rack on top of his car. You with me? Rory: Like a bad habit, Pete. Pete: So as Kirk was putting the pizza on the rack the thing collapses, the pizza slips. Long story short. Kirk got some severe cheese burns. Rory: Oh my God. Is he all right? Pete: Who knows? The point is I think the pizza needs to be cheeseless. gilmore girls - 318 Richard: When you were born I decided to celebrate. So as soon as your mother went to sleep I left the hospital. I called my business manager and I made a real estate investment. Lorelai: You do know how to party don't you. Richard: I made this investment in your name. Lorelai: Wow, most people just buy a stuffed bear, this is better. Richard: I thought so. gilmore girls - 318 Taylor: I'd like the wording to be a little harsher. Nicole: Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even 2 hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme. Taylor: It may seem extreme but those candy people are shifty characters. Nicole: Why don't we leave the wording as it is for now and see how things go. We can get tougher later if necessary. Luke: Yeah you could send over a couple of oompa-loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly. gilmore girls - 318 Rory: The spirit of giving is completely lost on you. Lorelai: But the spirit of getting is alive and well. And it wants it's chimney swept. gilmore girls - 318 Lorelai: The chimney needs to be swept. Rory: Mom. Luke cannot sweep our chimney. Lorelai: Why not? Rory: Because you need to be a chimney sweep to sweep a chinmey. Lorelai: If Dick Van Dyke can do it, so can Luke. gilmore girls - 318 Richard: Johnny Machete needs to be served in a heap. Rory: Johnny Machete? Emily: That's the name of this vile concoction. Rory: It's delicious. Lorelai: It's not bad. Emily: 12 different colors. Lorelai: Come on mom. Eat it. Emily: Looks like somebody already did. gilmore girls - 318 Richard: This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me. Lorelai: Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing. Emily: Richard, at least let Pena serve it. Lorelai: No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come. gilmore girls - 318 Richard: Well, I have something for you. (places an envelope on the table) Lorelai: Is it a hat? Richard: No. Lorelai: Is it a purse? Richard: No. Lorelai: Horse? Richard: Lorelai. Lorelai: George Foreman Grill? gilmore girls - 318 Taylor: I'm not talking to you. Luke: It's my lucky day. gilmore girls - 318 Rory: Can you have him build me another bookshelf? Lorelai: I've never been prouder of you than I am at this very moment. gilmore girls - 319 Lorelai: No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion. Sookie: Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt. Luke: Please stop that. gilmore girls - 319 Paris: Having grad night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about Hitler. He's a stand up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which'll inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abettgo by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food could lead to an epidemic alone. gilmore girls - 319 Lindsay: You used to go to our school. Rory: He still does. Dean: Really, cause I haven't seen you around much. Jess: What are you the attendance monitor? gilmore girls - 319 Richard: Your Grandmother would come to the phone but she's in the next room dancing wih Lloyd Sandstone. (Richard shouts out into the crowd) Watch where you put those hands, Lloyd. Rory: A guy named Lloyd is feeling up Grandma? gilmore girls - 319 Lorelai: Uh, Michel, are you okay? Michel: Do I look okay? Lorelai: Are those people waiting for a bellman? Michel: No, they're waiting for a unicorn to sing to a rainbow. Yes, a bellman. gilmore girls - 320 (At Fran's funeral) Miss Patty: You know it's times like these that you realize what is truly important in your life. I'm so glad I had all that sex. Lorelai: Hurry back Rory. gilmore girls - 320 Luke: (to Jimmy) Let me plant this thought in your head. If you do or say anything to upset Jess and make it harder for me to keep him on the right path, I'm gonna put your head through a wall, any wall. You can pick the wall. But it's going to be a wall. Ok? gilmore girls - 320 Sookie: Oh my God... Lorelai: What? Sookie: You don't think because we wanted the property so much, we killed Fran? Lorelai: What? Sookie: Through the power of our minds. Lorelai: No, we wished for the propery. Not this. Sookie: But you never know with Karma. gilmore girls - 320 Lorelai: It's my own fault, I poked a slumbering bear with a stick. I reached out and initiated contact with Emily Gilmore. I get what I deserve. Sookie: You're a bad girl. Lorelai: You know what really stinks? They're having Rory over tonight for a movie night. Sookie: Movie night? That's your thing with her. Lorelai: Exactly. What's next, a 'Stay at home and dance around in your underwear to the Monkees greatest hits" night? Sookie: I wouldn't put it past them to steal that, too. gilmore girls - 320 Rory: We have to go over the special graduation edition at the Franklin. And of course we're completely behind 'cause Paris can't let anything go to print unless she's proofed it a million times. Can you say 'Crazy, anal micro-manager'? Lorelai: Not five times fast. gilmore girls - 320 Jess: I need ham. Ceaser: No ham. Jess: We just got a shipment in yesterday. Ceaser: No ham. Jess: There's a woman back there who's been asking for ham for the last 20 minutes. If I go back there empty handed, there's a 50/50 chance that she'll eat me. Ceasera: No ham. Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham. gilmore girls - 320 Lorelai: Uh make a note, if the guest are gonna wear robes downstairs we need to buy thicker material. Really, seeing the sunlight hit Dennis gave me a whole new respect for Peg. gilmore girls - 320 Lorelai: So lets get back to the party recap. Any little details you want to tell mommy? Rory: Jess and Dean got into a fight. Lorelai: Over you? Rory: I was a contributing factor. Lorelai: Was anyone hurt? Rory: No. Lorelai: And that's why the cops came and broke up the party? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Not only did you go to a cop rated party, but you started the raid? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: This fence is broken because of you and this crap is on the ground because of you. Rory: What's your point? Lorelai: (sings) Did you ever know that your my hero. Rory: Oh my God. Lorelai: (continues to sing) You're everything I would like to be. And I could fly higher then an Eagle. Because you are the wind beneath my wings. gilmore girls - 320 Lorelai: (about Dean and Lindsay) My God, they're a good looking couple. If their kids can sing there's no stopping 'em. gilmore girls - 320 Lorelai: Let's focus on Fran and how much we loved her. Not think about the inn at all. Sookie: Okay. Lorelai: You're thinking about it. Sookie: Just about where to put the woodburning oven. Lorelai: We'll put it in the apartment that we're sharing in hell. Sookie: Let's buy flowers. Lorelai: Yeah, lots and lots of flowers. gilmore girls - 320 Rory: How's it coming? Louise: Very frustrating. Madeline: We just can't seem to get exactly the right combination. Louise: All right. How about blue dress, blonde guy, black limo? Works best for me. Madeline: Yes, however, green dress, red-haired guy, white limo works best for me. Louise: White limo with blonde guy totally doesn't work. It's too washed up. Rory: I'm assuming this conversation veered off of the cover page placement? Madeline: How about black-haired guy, green dress and tan limo? Louise: Tan limo? Madeline: Good neutral backdrop. Louise: Well, this opens up a whole new set of options. Bring the golf team back in. Rory: Okay, why don't I just get these pesky Franklin articles out of your way. There we go. Paris: What are you doing? Rory: I am working on the front page placement. Paris: What are they doing? Rory: Staying true to who they are. gilmore girls - 320 Dave: (to Mrs. Kim) I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket. I'm healthy. I take care of myself. I floss. I never watch more than thirty minutes of television a night, partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents. I do well in school. I never play videogames in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar. And I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom. gilmore girls - 321 (Trying to find something to talk about) Jimmy: First time on the west coast? Jess: First time. (long pause) Jimmy: Oh uh, the sights. Ocean... Jess: Was wondering what that was. Jimmy: ...sand... Jess: Keeps the ocean in its place. Jimmy: Jess: Got one of those back east. gilmore girls - 321 Lorelai: Ok, the whole stalking things works a whole lot better if you don't slam your face up against the window. Luke: I need to talk to you. Lorelai: Well, come inside. Luke: No, Rory's in there Lorelai: Since when are you scared of Rory, 'cause seriously Luke, I think you can take her. Luke: Can she hear us? Lorelai: Through the walls? No. I put kryptonite in her waffles this morning, I think were fine. gilmore girls - 321 Lorelai: (to Luke) You're freaking out the freaks today. gilmore girls - 321 (Paris and Lorelai manning the senior party cruise booth and Paris is flipping out.) Paris: Unbutton your blouse. Lorelai: What? Paris: Unbutton the top buttons of your blouse. Lorelai: Why? Paris: Guys are attracted to that kind of thing. Well me doing it isn't going to help any. Lorelai: Paris, you need to stop worrying. You need to stop obessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs. gilmore girls - 321 Rory: The campus looks pretty. Lane: It's got 2 huge parks with gardens and lakes. Lorelai: Two parks? Lane: One for boys and one for girls. Lorelai: There's a separate park for boys? Lane: My life is over. gilmore girls - 321 (Lorelai stops the car at the red light) Rory: Oh, I can't believe you stopped. Lorelai: I can't believe you wanted me to go. Rory: There's no one around. Lorelai: Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast. Rory: Paranoid. Lorelai: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend. gilmore girls - 321 Jess: I just wanna see Jimmy, okay? Sasha: Hey, did you ever see The Wizard of Oz? Jess: Yes. Sasha: Remember when they go to the Emerald City and they ring the bell and the guy with the beard stuck his head out and they said that they wanted to see the wizard, and he said no, and they said, 'She's got the ruby slippers', and he said 'Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.' Jess: Yes. Sasha: Well, I'm the guy with the beard and I'm saying the no unless you can come up with the ruby slippers. Jess: I'm his son. Sasha: His son? Jess: Yes, his son. Sasha: Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in. gilmore girls - 321 Jess: Do they bite? Sasha: Just those two. Jess: Which two, which two? Great! (to the dogs) If you bite me, I swear I'll bite you back. gilmore girls - 322 (Lorelai and Sookie are working on Rory's graduation dress) Sookie: Maybe we should bring it in a bit more. Rory: Oh, sure, but first why don't you use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accomodate your sadistic wish there? Lorelai: Don't use subtlety on us, we're slow. gilmore girls - 322 Rory: How was my speech? Lorelai: It made everyone cry, including stone cold Luke. Rory: Luke, you old softy. Luke: I will never live this down. Lorelai: Not with me in your life. gilmore girls - 322 Rory: Mom! This outfit carries a lot of wind resistance! gilmore girls - 322 Headmaster Charleston: It's a distinct pleasure for me to introduce to you our Valedictorian. This young lady was a second-year transfer from a modest school where she distinguished herself immeasurably. She is humble, hard-working, competitive when need be, and unparalleled in her academic achievements. Ladies and gentlemen, Rory Gilmore. Sookie: Not crying right? Lorelai: Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything. Sookie: Tears get in your eyes. Lorelai: Then you miss things. Sookie: So we're not crying. Lorelai: Not crying. Sookie: (to Jackson) Not crying. Jackson: (to Sookie) Not crying. (to Luke) Not crying. Luke: What? Lorelai: No crying. Luke: I'm not crying. Rory: Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napolean, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore... Sookie: (With tears in her eyes) Uh, oh - Lorelai: (Also on the verge of crying) Hang in there. Rory: My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her... Sookie: (Chocked up) Not crying. Lorelai: (Slightly crying) Crying a little. Sookie: Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering. Rory: (Tearfully) Thank you Mom, you are my guidepost for everything. Sookie: On the verge of blubbering here. Jackson: (Chocked up, tearfully) Not doing to well myself. Lorelai: (Looks over to see Luke) Not you, too. Luke: (Tearfully blubbering) I'm blubbering, you're freaks! gilmore girls - 401 Lorelai: The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday. Luke: I know. Lorelai: Keeping tabs on me? Luke: Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from gilmore girls - 401 Lorelai: (about Sookie's baby) So, are you gonna name him Lorelai? Sookie: Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all. gilmore girls - 401 Rory: Hey, who are the rosary beads for? Lorelai: They're mine. Rory: What do you need rosary beads for? Lorelai: They're cute. Rory: They're for prayer. Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit? Rory: They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell. gilmore girls - 401 Rory: Mom touched the Pope. Babette: You're kidding! Lorelai: Actually, I just touched his car. Then one of the Swiss guards in the fruity cool clothing busted me. Rory: Luckily, mom's fluent in flirting. Lorelai: And flirting with a guy in a pompom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment. gilmore girls - 401 Lorelai: Oh, you gave her an itinerary and she called every consulate in the world. Rory: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey? Lorelai: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling? Rory: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking. Lorelai: At least tell me he was cute. Rory: He was not bad for a hash dealer. Lorelai: Hm. (They walk into the house.) Babette: (calling from the kitchen) I'm making cocoa! Lorelai: She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary. Rory: I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling. Lorelai: Reality has absolutely no place in our world. gilmore girls - 401 Lorelai: Every sad story needs nuns. gilmore girls - 401 Rory: (to clothes) I had a dream while I was in Copenhagen and you were there! And you, and you, and you! Lorelai: I'll leave you alone to makeout with your sockdrawer now. Rory: Close the door on you way out. (Lorelai closes door.) Rory: (opens drawer) Hello boys. gilmore girls - 401 Lorelai: Oh my God, you proposed! Luke: Yes. There's more. Lorelai: Oh my God, she said yes! Luke: Yes. There's more. We got married. Lorelai: You got married?! You're legally married? Luke: There's more. Lorelai: Oh my God, she's pregnant! You finally reproduced! Luke: We're getting divorced. gilmore girls - 401 Jackson: Ricky Ricardo didn't know, Dick Van Dyke didn't know, and, by gum, if it's good enough for Rick and Dick, it's good enough for me! gilmore girls - 402 (Luke is explaining his truck's gearshift to Lorelai) Luke: "D" is for drive, "R" is for... Lorelai: The "r" in drive! Luke: "R" is for reverse. Lorelai: Right, reverse. Luke: And "1" is... Lorelai: The loneliest number that you'll ever know! gilmore girls - 402 Luke: I don't want this mattress. Lorelai: Help me take it somewhere. Luke: Where? To the conveniently located old mattress drop-off station right around the corner? gilmore girls - 402 Russel: Didn't you read the papers? Luke: Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude. Russel: The divorce papers. gilmore girls - 402 Luke: (commenting on Nicole's lawyers) They're gonna multiply like The Matrix gilmore girls - 402 Luke: This is Lorelai. Mr. Stein #1: Are you an attorney? Luke: No, she's carbon-based. gilmore girls - 402 Rory: Say something to make me hate you. Lorelai: Go Hitler? gilmore girls - 402 Rory: I have to share a bathroom. I've never shared a bathroom with anyone but you. So now I'm gonna be running into people in the bathroom, we're gonna have to make small talk. I don't know any bathroom small talk. Lorelai: Um, gee, your hair smells terrific? gilmore girls - 403 Lorelai: You subscribed to The Stars Hollow Gazette? The editor of The Stars Hollow Gazette does not subscribe to The Stars Hollow Gazette. gilmore girls - 403 Lorelai: They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I just spent my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party. Rory: Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment. Lorelai: You win. gilmore girls - 404 Sookie: (to Michel) You called me. You kept me on the phone for over an hour. I missed the beginning of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. By the time I got back, they were all gay. gilmore girls - 404 Luke: There is no fate. There is no destiny. There is no luck. Astrology is ridiculous. Tarot cards tell you nothing. You cannot read a palm. Tea leaves make tea and nothing else. Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis and the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn gilmore girls - 404 Lorelai: And apparently, now that I'm the pretty spinster living all alone, he's concerned for my safety. Rory: Did he tell you all this? Lorelai: Do you think I labeled myself the pretty spinster? gilmore girls - 404 Lorelai: We have a new mail carrier. Rory: We do? Lorelai: Yeah. So now, if you want your mail, you just have to go to Miss Patty's. Rory: Why? Lorelai: 'Cause that's where he brings it. He brings Babette's mail to Andrew's. Norman's mail to the deli, and Taylor still hasn't found his mail yet, which I have to admit is kind of fun. gilmore girls - 404 Rory: It's pretty. It looks like heaven. Or a Victoria's Secret commercial, which, to some people, is basically the same thing. gilmore girls - 405 Lorelai: You've been stomping around, barking at people for days. Luke: I have not. Lorelai: Yes, Cujo, you have. Luke: I always talk to people like that. Lorelai: No, Benji, you don't. Luke: I'll be fine tomorrow. Lorelai: Really, Lassie? Why is that? gilmore girls - 405 Emily: I just found out that Sookie was pregnant! Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it. gilmore girls - 406 Emily: Shame on you for swearing there's a flier. That's the worst possible thing you could do. Lorelai: Liv Tyler grew up her entire life thinking Todd Rundgren was her real father. You think that might knock this out of first place? gilmore girls - 406 Lorelai: Yeah, we always had the job, Sookie. The whale was just toying with us. She was swatting us with her tail and hosing us down with her blowhole because that is the whale's M.O. - humiliate and rip apart every other fish in the sea until there's nothing left but a bloody pile of chum. Sookie: Boy, you really hate whales, don't you? gilmore girls - 406 Lorelai: Oh my God, Kirk, I forgot you were here. Kirk: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. gilmore girls - 406 Lorelai: You never called me back. Jason: I'll call you back now. What's your number? Lorelai: 976-bite-me. gilmore girls - 406 Emily: Flying, thumping balls all over the place. Lorelai: Flying, thumping what all over the place? Emily: Balls. (Lorelai giggles) Emily: You are four. Lorelai: And balls are funny. gilmore girls - 406 Kirk: Say I was Tom Cruise, where would you seat me? Luke: In an acting class. gilmore girls - 406 Lulu: Wow, I'm getting the fancy treatment. Kirk: Well, you did show up. gilmore girls - 407 Sookie: Yours came out. How'd you get yours out? Lorelai: I swallowed a map. gilmore girls - 407 Sookie: Hey, you know, Bruce spent two years in China educating poor villagers on female issues. Lorelai: Oh, I hear they got great Chinese food there. gilmore girls - 407 Rory: Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir girl. Lorelai: Well, look at you folding your laundry all haughty and powerful. Rory: Bada-bing all over his nice ivy-league suit. Lorelai: Rory, you couldn't do that. Come on. It would be embarrassing, it would be manipulative, and can you do it tonight? gilmore girls - 407 Lorelai: I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap." Rory: Was that Manet or Monet? Lorelai: That was mustard on my hamburger and a side of fries, please. Rory: She's the queen of segues. Luke: She's the queen of something. gilmore girls - 407 Taylor: Would you like to say a few words, Mrs. Otis? Mrs. Otis: Your enthusiasm. . .shocks me. Lorelai: Is that good? Rory: Hard to tell. gilmore girls - 407 Kirk: Whoo-hoo! Lorelai: What'd you get, Kirk? Kirk: Christ in 'The Last Supper'. Lorelai: The big kahuna! Kirk: I'm gonna do it right, too. Lots of research. What's a good book to read? Lorelai: Uh, the Bible? Kirk: Right. Yo, where are my apostles? Where are my homeboys? James, son of Alpheus, give me five! gilmore girls - 407 Lorelai: How's your research coming along, Kirk? Kirk: Good, although I got off to a slow start. I didn't realize Jesus wasn't in the Old Testament 'til I hit page 368. gilmore girls - 408 Rory: You got kicked out of camp? Lorelai: I tried to liberate the horses. gilmore girls - 408 Lorelai: Hi, hon. Jason, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, Jason. Rory: Right, Scooper. Lorelai: Digger. Rory: Sorry. Digger. Jason: It's nice to meet you. And I don't really go by Digger anymore. Lorelai: What is it, P. Digger now? gilmore girls - 408 Richard: Say, are you and Rory wireless? Lorelai: Oh, no, we're pretty wired most of the time. gilmore girls - 408 Sandra: You're a jerk! I just wanted to come tell you that to your face! You're a jerk, and I hope you die! Bye, jerk. Die, jerk. Paris: The door thing was about you? Rory: Apparently. Paris: (on cell phone) The strike is off. Stand down. I repeat, stand down. gilmore girls - 408 Emily: You really should eat more green things, Lorelai. Lorelai: I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight. Rory: Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em. Lorelai: Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables. gilmore girls - 408 (After compiling a list of their respective enemies.) Janet: I'll keep you posted on my person. Paris: And my five are already taken care of. Tanna: They're taken care of? Paris: I got my East Side 860 partners on it. Now let's move. gilmore girls - 408 Tanna: I guess it is vandalism. Paris: It's more than that. This is an assault that should be met head-on using extreme prejudice. Now let's face it, I'm the most likely target, so I've already made up a list of enemies, which I've narrowed down from twenty-six to five. Janet: Just at Yale? Paris: Just in this building. gilmore girls - 408 (Listing their respective enemies in an effort to figure out who wrote 'Die, Jerk' on their door.) Tanna: What about you? Rory: Me? Janet: Made anyone mad lately? Paris: Oh, please, that would be like Dorothy pissing off the Tin Man. It's impossible. gilmore girls - 408 Emily: I liked the line about how you regretted that evolution had caused man to stand on two feet because it led to this night. gilmore girls - 409 Rory: Talk to me about Jason. Lorelai: There's nothing to talk about. Rory: Oh, come on. I'm in a serious romantic dry spell. I need to live vicariously through somebody. Lorelai: He has called. Rory: Okay. Lorelai: He has sent things. Rory: Pipe bombs? Lorelai: Flowers, candy. Rory: Even better. gilmore girls - 409 Rory: Luke's gonna be mad. I mean, he hates it when we commandeer two tables during rush hour. Lorelai: Oh, he only hated it that one time. Rory: What time? Lorelai: The time when we did it and he was mad. Rory: He's hated it every time we've done it. Lorelai: No. Rory: Yeah. Lorelai: No, only the one time. Rory: Which time? Lorelai: The time we did it and he was mad. Rory: You're gonna do this to Luke, aren't you? Lorelai: 'Til he's so dizzy, he throws up. gilmore girls - 409 Lorelai: Oh, man, this place is packed. Rory: Damn that Zagat guide. Lorelai: Only the loser mini-table is open. Rory: What do we do? Lorelai: Time to hover. You take the old couple, I'll hit the cybergeek. Rory: Got it. (walks over to an older couple eating) Hello. Lorelai: (walks over to a guy working on a laptop) Hello. gilmore girls - 410 Emily: Yes, and we have a special surprise for you for dessert. We brought it back from Switzerland. Lorelai: We're getting a mountain goat? gilmore girls - 410 Rory: Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation. Lorelai: Yes, well. . .he'll always have Paris. gilmore girls - 410 Lorelai: The plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: That doesn't even sound like English. Rory: That's because it's French. gilmore girls - 410 Rory: (about Paris dating an older man) Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass. Lorelai: Oh, yeah, or he will. gilmore girls - 410 Doyle: What is this? Rory: Strawberry ice cream. Doyle: It has strawberries in it. Rory: I don't even know how to respond to that. gilmore girls - 410 Rory: Paris is seeing somebody else. Lorelai: Really? A psychiatrist? gilmore girls - 411 Lorelai: It's my gym card. Luke: You joined a gym? Lorelai: Yeah. Luke: When? Lorelai: After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight. Luke: Did you go? Lorelai: God, no. I was way too fat. gilmore girls - 411 Rory: Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts. Lane: You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started. Rory: Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix. gilmore girls - 411 Kirk: Yes, he said I have tinnitis. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted. Lorelai: Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk? Kirk: The irony wasn't lost on me. gilmore girls - 411 Lorelai: Because he's 110. Rory: Hank's 110? Lorelai: No. Rory: Why would you say that? Lorelai: Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old. gilmore girls - 411 Luke: No, why would I have two toolboxes? Lorelai: 'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one. Luke: Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. Lorelai: (Starts to speak but Luke interrupts) Luke: Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. gilmore girls - 411 Lorelai: You want me to call you at Yale in the middle of the night so i can say: Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with mommy ? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: And then we take the 'Craziest Mother-Daughter-Title' from Judy and Liza. gilmore girls - 412 Luke: I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out. Jess: Nice spin, you should work for Bush! gilmore girls - 412 Lorelai: Were you supposed to meet me here? Rory: No, I'm a surprise. Lorelai: As was your conception. Rory: I'll just be two minutes. Lorelai: As was your conception. gilmore girls - 412 Emily: He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner. They didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night. Lorelai: Oh yeah. I heard the Disney Company had them all killed. gilmore girls - 412 Tanna: His father was instrumental in conducting research showing that neurons in the brain fire actively during REM sleep - with the exception of nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine. Paris: I'd forgot the first part of that sentence by the time you finished, but I say jump him. gilmore girls - 412 Jason: ...barring some sort of Star Trek-like cloaking device - which was problematic in every incarnation of Star Trek - I remember Kirk complaining about it, I remember Picard complaining about it - they will see us, and we'll get caught. Lorelai: I'm very uncomfortable dating a Trekkie. gilmore girls - 412 Lorelai: Was she at the professor's again last night? Rory: Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming. Lorelai: Well, she was. Rory: Oh, ick! gilmore girls - 412 Luke: Didn't that Tolstoy guy say something about families? Lorelai: Probably. Luke: It was some famous thing he said, something like 'All families are unhappy,' or happy on the surface, or unhappy in the same way. Lorelai: Sounds a little incomplete. Luke: Well, maybe he couldn't finish the thought because he was too busy dealing with his stinking family! Lorelai: Do the Hallmark people know about you? Because you're a natural. gilmore girls - 412 Jess: You stole my car! Coop should have arrested you! Why didn't he arrest you? Luke: Free doughnuts. gilmore girls - 412 Paris: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here. Rory: This is not May-December. This is May-Ming Dynasty. gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: So on a wigged-out level of one to ten, Mom is at - Rory: Frances Farmer? gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: (next to the oven) Hey, did anyone ever think that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, she was just cold? gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken. Rory: That's going on your tombstone. gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: Here is the question for today, kids: What are the Eskimos thinking? I mean, sure, the hoods are cute, but it's always cold, always! Plus, you have to eat fish for breakfast, and whales. And then there's penguins, and polar bears, and Santa Claus. gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: If you're here, then who's this? Rory: I don't know. Lorelai: We have a stranger in our house! Rory: Robert Downey Jr.? Lorelai: Or a murderer! Rory: Who needed a nap before commiting his crime? gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: Cold! Cold! Icy feet, stupid frozen tundra house! gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: I'm sorry, are you drunk? Luke: I am not drunk. I do not get drunk. I had some beer. Beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree. Lorelai: Well, good thinking. Luke: And then I fell out of your tree. Lorelai: Hmm. Sit down. Luke: I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk. gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: I'll go get you a real bandage. Luke: I like the Barbie ones. Lorelai: Yes, honey, but the other kids will beat you up if they see you wearing one of those! gilmore girls - 413 Luke: You talked to Liz? Lorelai: I thought she was you. Luke: I'm a man. Lorelai: Yeah, but she was driving your truck. Luke: When I am in my truck, I am still a man. gilmore girls - 413 Lorelai: Luke! Wait! I know you owe us nothing, but our dead, frozen carcasses may someday haunt you in your sleep, or not, because you have no idea who I am. I'm sorry, I thought you were Luke. Liz: I knew I should have put on some lipstick! gilmore girls - 413 Luke: (about TJ) We need a solution. Jess: To what? Luke: Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him! Jess: A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on! gilmore girls - 414 Sookie: (about the horses) Ooh, I love them. Lorelai: With an unbridled passion. Good one, huh? Sookie: I love horse humor. gilmore girls - 414 Lorelai's answering machine: Hey, I've got nothing cute to say for my message. …Oh, puppies. There, that's cute. Now leave yours. gilmore girls - 414 Richard: (turns and sees Lorelai for the first time) Lorelai, have you been there the whole time? Lorelai: Yes, I have. Richard: Well, I didn't see you. Lorelai: Well, I had my cloaking device activated, so - gilmore girls - 414 Paris: I'll tell you my problem, Andre. Last time you sat on our couch, your mesomorphic frame carved a four-foot crater in it. I felt like I was sitting in a bucket. Janet: You're so full of it, Paris. Paris: Kids were skateboarding up and down it. Gandalf the Grey is still falling down it. It was a big hole. Andre: What does mesomorphic mean? Paris: It means you've got a fat ass, pal. Janet: Just ignore her and sit, Klee. Paris: Do not sit, Klee. gilmore girls - 414 Ed: I've been waiting for ten minutes. Luke: Sorry, not even close to the record. gilmore girls - 414 Lorelai: Sorry for making you get all dressed up. Luke: That's okay, it's good for me to do once in a while. It reminds me why I'm not an accountant. gilmore girls - 414 Tom: She might be inside. She likes to slip in through the back door and scare a bunch of guys with nail guns. gilmore girls - 415 Rory: What'd I miss? Emily: I was just admiring your mother's life. Rory: Oh, I do that daily. gilmore girls - 415 Rory: It's lunch. Lorelai: I got a little something from everywhere. Emily: I wouldn't know where to begin. Lorelai: Well, start at the top and stop when you hit table gilmore girls - 415 Lorelai: You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs. gilmore girls - 415 Luke: What's with the - Kirk: It's not a purse! Luke: I wasn't gonna say purse. Kirk: Oh… Sorry. Luke: What's with the gay bag? gilmore girls - 415 Lorelai: Why aren't we having fun? Rory: Maybe it's because we're window shopping. Maybe we should go inside. Maybe that'll help. (They go in and come out almost a second later.) Rory: No, it made it worse! gilmore girls - 415 Lorelai: Why aren't we having fun? Rory: Maybe it's because we're window shopping. Maybe we should go inside. Maybe that'll help. (They go in and come out almost a second later.) Rory: No, it made it worse! gilmore girls - 415 Lorelai: They always bring something for the group. Last week, it was peanut brittle Lindsay made. It broke a crown, three teeth, and then a haz-mat team came and took it away gilmore girls - 415 Paris: When you came out of our room, did you use the doorknob? Rory: As opposed to dematerializing, passing vapor-like through the door, and then rematerializing? No, I used the doorknob. gilmore girls - 415 Lane: I'm standing in the living room of my very own apartment! Rory: No kidding! Lane: I'm waiting for the gas man to come! The gas man! I've got gas! Ignore the words, and focus on the enthusiasm! gilmore girls - 415 Rory: What? In all those emails I didn't mention it? Lorelai: All those emails? Excuse me, but you write less often than people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess! gilmore girls - 415 Lorelai: I ended up going to dinner alone with Mom and Dad, who spent the whole time bickering about which Beatle is still alive. Rory: Where'd they land? Lorelai: John and Keith are dead. Paul and Bingo are still kicking. gilmore girls - 416 Kirk: I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy. gilmore girls - 416 Kirk: I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time. Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars." gilmore girls - 416 Rory: (flirting with a boy) Yeah, philosophy is one of my favorite subjects right now. Lorelai: (walking by) Second cousin. Rory: Gotta go gilmore girls - 416 Marilyn: You look absolutely stunning! Please, tell me you're an idiot. Lorelai: Well, I have my moments. gilmore girls - 416 Lorelai: Oh, my God. I delivered Gran's clothes to the funeral home, but I forgot to include underwear. Rory: Gran's going commando? gilmore girls - 417 Jason: Here, eat this before it gets cold. Lorelai: You made French toast? Jason: Well, I had a lot of energy after my run, so... Lorelai: You went running? Jason: Well, I had to wait for the laundry to dry. And I had already read the papers. Lorelai: You had an entire day before I woke up. Jason: Here, you want bacon? Lorelai: You went out and slaughtered a pig between the running and the French toast? Jason: Yes, and by the way, that whole ozone-layer problem... taken care of. Lorelai: You're my Green Party hero! gilmore girls - 417 Rory: Mom, where's my bathing suit? Lorelai: Do you even have a bathing suit? Rory: Of course I do! Lorelai: When was the last time you wore it? Rory: I don't know. Lorelai: Does it include rubber duckies? Rory: No!... i don't think. gilmore girls - 417 Luke: (on answering machine) Hey Lorelai, it's Luke. I need you to come pick me up in Lichfield. It's a big white building, you can't miss it. It's got a police sign outside. That's right, I'm in jail. Also, can I borrow $300? I'll return it, it's for, well I'll just say it, it's for my bail. gilmore girls - 417 Rory: Okay, forget I said 'giant Q-tips'. They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips. Lorelai: But now I can't get 'giant Q-tips' out of my head. It's too powerful a visual. gilmore girls - 418 Lorelai: Wile E. Coyote used them. That's how common they were. Emily: Who? Lorelai: The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil-shaped impression on Wile E. Coyote's head. Emily: This is a cartoon? Lorelai: No, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was walking down the street, and this giant anvil -- yes, mother, it's a cartoon. gilmore girls - 418 Lorelai: (about the plant) How can it be dead already? Jason: It may have been self-inflicted gilmore girls - 418 Lorelai: None of my plants ever needed light. Jason: Did any of your plants live? Lorelai: No. Oh! Insight! gilmore girls - 418 Lorelai: Are you okay? Am I being enough supportive? Reverse those last two words. gilmore girls - 419 Luke: You heading in there? Lorelai: Yeah. I need stamps. You heading in there? Luke: Yep. I'm getting my divorce. gilmore girls - 419 Jason: So, I'm officially taking the one hour I have off to go to the driving range to hit golf balls to try to improve my sucky game, thereby redeeming myself in your father's eyes. Lorelai: I like the use of 'sucky' and 'thereby' in the same sentence. gilmore girls - 419 Jason: I'm gonna end up in Houston! Lorelai: Jason... Jason: Where all the financial wash-ups wash up. It's gonna be me and the Enron boys, smoking cigars while their ankle cuffs beep quietly in the background. gilmore girls - 419 Rory: FIRE! Lorelai: What? Rory: Nothing. I was just feeling left out. gilmore girls - 420 Lorelai: (talking to the cats) Hey, I am a young, desirable woman! gilmore girls - 420 Lorelai: Did you know that if the whole population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase? That's how long my list is. gilmore girls - 420 Lorelai: Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing. gilmore girls - 420 (Lorelai opens the front door and finds a cat sitting on the porch. She dials the phone.) Rory: Hello? Lorelai: They know. Rory: Who knows? Lorelai: The cats. They know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone and they've decided it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady. gilmore girls - 420 Lorelai: I give up. I guess I need to start collecting newspapers and magazines, find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth. Rory: Well, obviously, you've got a busy day ahead of you, so I'm gonna let you go. gilmore girls - 420 Luke: You drank all the coffee in your house before five in the morning? Lorelai: Big gulps, lots of sugar gilmore girls - 420 Lorelai: How late can you stay, Sookie? Sookie: As late as you want. Davey's with his grandparents and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini tonight. Lorelai: What's that, farm jargon? Sookie: No, he's sleeping with the zucchini. Lorelai: But what does that mean, sleeping with the zucchini? Sookie: It means he's sleeping with the zucchini. Lorelai: Sookie, fill me in here. Where's Jackson? Sookie: Well, he checked the forecast today, and there's a potential cold front coming in from Canada, and he knows how important the zucchini is for opening day menu, so... Lorelai: Are you saying that "sleeping with the zucchini" means... Sookie: He's sleeping with the zucchini. Michel: She's said it four times. You're very slow tonight. gilmore girls - 420 Andrew: Come on, what do you have there? Porn? Luke: Do you sell porn? Andrew: No! Luke: So, do you think I brought my own porn in here to buy? gilmore girls - 420 Guy on tape: Complete this sentence, 'I feel angry because...'. Luke: I am listening to this tape. Guy on tape: I feel hopeful because... Luke: This tape must end eventually. Guy on tape: I feel helpless because... Luke: I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass. gilmore girls - 420 Luke: I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. Vince Williams called me a 'doody head'. I took it very personally. gilmore girls - 421 Liz: Now go on, Luke's waiting. Unless my friend Carrie suffocated him with her boobs. Lorelai: Well, that would be festive. gilmore girls - 421 Mrs Kim: This will clean up. Window will be fixed. Temporary fridge. (to Zack and Brian) You two are girls. I will have my tea now. gilmore girls - 421 Liz: I don't want to screw up this marriage even more than I want some pot, that's how serious I am. gilmore girls - 421 Lorelai: I was born 400 years too late! This food is amazing! gilmore girls - 421 Kirk: Nice maypole, Patty! Really organized! Miss Patty: Oh, shut up, Kirk! Lorelai: Tough day, Patty? Miss Patty: I've worked with Joan Crawford. This is worse. Kirk: I don't call that a maypole! I'd call that a 'maybe-not' pole! gilmore girls - 421 Luke: I'll see you. Before then, but I'll see you then, too. Lorelai: Yeah, I'll see you... both of those thens. gilmore girls - 421 Sookie: They're puny! They're tasteless! Jackson: Puny? These are not puny! Sookie: If they're small enough to shove up our son's nose, they're too small! Jackson: No way could you shove one of these up Davey's nose! Sookie: Betcha five bucks! Jackson: Get him in here! Lorelai: Hi, guys. You probably shouldn't shove a radish up your son's nose. Just thinkin' out loud. gilmore girls - 421 Paris: I hate that our little clique is breaking up. It's so the end of something! Janet: You off your meds, Paris? Paris: You never get emotional at goodbyes? Janet: With people I like. gilmore girls - 421 Lorelai: Ooh! Ahh! There's a horse in the dining room! Rory: What? Lorelai: Cletus is in the dining room! Rory: Why? Lorelai: He heard about the terrific continental breakfast? I don't know, I gotta go look into this. gilmore girls - 421 Lorelai: Okay, new Dragonfly Inn rule -- everyone listening? Okay, if you see a horse in the Inn or any other large quadruped or biped, or anything not -- what's the word -- human, figure no one's doing anything about it and do something! gilmore girls - 421 Rory: If you see him 100 yards away disappearing around a corner, I really don't need to know that. If he comes up to you and spits in your face, report that. Lorelai: Permission to spit back? gilmore girls - 422 Kirk: Is Luke here yet? Lorelai: No, he's not, Kirk. Kirk: But he's coming, right? He'll be here before I go to sleep? Lorelai: I have no idea, Kirk. Why? Kirk: It's a guy thing. gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: Oh! Oh, honey, come here. (Lorelai hugs Sookie.) Sookie: What? What is that for? Lorelai: In all the craziness, I completely forgot that today is your wedding anniversary. Sookie: Oh my god! (Sookie runs out of the kitchen.) gilmore girls - 422 Luke: I'm not a mysterious man am I? Lorelai: Well, the wardrobe's a bit of a head-scratcher. gilmore girls - 422 Luke: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never, that's when! Very easy stat to remember! gilmore girls - 422 Michel: There are all sorts of chromosomes missing from that man. gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: How are you doing? Luke: I'm just staring at my plate. Babette: He's shy. My bathrobe slipped earlier and his poor little heart couldn't take it. Miss Patty: He's been staring at his salad ever since. Luke: I like salad. gilmore girls - 422 Sookie: Look at how he chopped these onions! I just want to shove a string through them and wear them around my neck! Michel: Now, that wouldn't be at all eccentric. gilmore girls - 422 Lane: Boys will eat anything. I bought some vanilla-almond body lotion the other day... Rory: No. Lane: On chips. gilmore girls - 422 Rory: I can't believe you didn't wake me up. Lorelai: Me and what army? gilmore girls - 422 Rory: (playing a video game) Where'd I go? Lane: I don't know! Rory: What do I do? Lane: I don't know! (Video game makes an explosion noise.) Rory: Did I lose? Lane: Well, you have no head, so I would say yes. gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: Tom, I'm lovin' you like a $2 whore. Tom: Terrific. I'll tell the wife. gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: Pau-Pau and Chin-Chin cannot come to the test run! Michel: Why not? Lorelai: Because they are dogs, Michel! Michel: They cannot stay at home alone! They get lonely, and then they eat expensive Italian things! gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: What are you doing? Luke: Would you just stand still? (Luke and Lorelai kiss) Luke: What are you doing? Lorelai: Would you just stand still? (Luke and Loralei kiss.) (Kirk runs down stairs screaming with a pillow and without clothing.) Kirk: Aaaaah! Aaaaah! gilmore girls - 422 Lorelai: I'm going to lock those two in a room, and they are either coming out reconciled or in a body bag, and believe you me, I'm fine either way. gilmore girls - 422 Michel: I don't understand why you get to bring Rory and I don't get to bring my Chows. Lorelai: Because I'm mad with power. Michel: They are quieter than she is, they are cleaner than she is. Lorelai: Stop comparing your dogs to my kid! gilmore girls - 422 Derrick: Lorelai, are you alright? Lorelai: Well there's a debate going on about that. gilmore girls - 501 Lorelai: We need you to look at Kirk's butt..... Sookie: But why me? Lorelai:'re a chef. Luke: And you've got a kid. Lorelai: That's better! You've got a kid. Luke: Yeah, neither of us have kids, well she does, but it's big... and can look at her own butt... gilmore girls - 501 Lulu: Sit down, Kirk. Kirk: No, that's OK. I'm good. Lulu: Well, you can't eat standing up! My mom says it gives you cancer. Kirk: Really? Mine too! gilmore girls - 501 Lane: Where did you do it the second time? Rory: Miss Patty's Lane: You did it at Miss Patty's? Rory: Yeah. Lane: She would be so proud. gilmore girls - 501 Richard: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch! Emily: Well then, buy me a boa and drive me to Reno, because I'm open for business! gilmore girls - 501 Michel: (referring to Taylor) That man is why mail-order brides were invented. gilmore girls - 502 Cheryl: God, I just want to spend, like three straight years doing nothing but reading, you know? Lane: What book? gilmore girls - 502 Liz: I'm so happy for you. You found your T.J.! Luke: Please, don't put it like that. gilmore girls - 503 Lorelai: This has been a great first date. Luke: It only took us eight years to get here. gilmore girls - 503 Rory: Heart attack? Umm.. it wasn't during... umm... was it? Paris: No Rory! This great man was not brought down by my vagina! gilmore girls - 503 Rory: (to Marty) Asher Fleming died. Marty: In bed? Rory: No Marty: Damn. I lost the pool. gilmore girls - 504 Michel: This is outrageous, and he will call me back, and it had better be in a timely manner, or I will come down there and introduce myself, and oh, the fun we'll have! (He throws the phone on a chair) Tst! I hate this chair! Lorelai: What's the matter, honey? Justin and Cameron having trouble again? gilmore girls - 505 Richard: I saw the most preposterous thing on TV the other night. It had been ages since I'd just flipped through the channels... And the horrors to be discovered there... gilmore girls - 505 Rory: The less you tell Grandma, the better. Lorelai: By George, I think she's got it! gilmore girls - 506 Sookie: I don't know why I'm getting so nutty about this, I mean I hear myself getting nutty and I know that there's no one coming for lunch and I know that Norman Mailer's not responsible for no one coming for lunch and I tell myself it's just temporary, that there's still dinner and breakfast and that's good and I can do a lot with that, and I try to calm myself down and that just only seems to make me crazier, and all I want to do is cry and scream and God, I'm pregnant! gilmore girls - 506 (Describing a hike to a pair of tourists) Michel: Okay, so over here by the semi-polluted brook, you will find large, scary spiders and a fascinating display of poison ivy, which brings you to the rattlesnake curve where people have actually died painful but very picturesque deaths. gilmore girls - 506 Lorelai: Come on Kirk. And I'm sorry but why a hotdog? The Dragonfly doesn't serve hotdogs. Kirk: Well the quiche made me look fat gilmore girls - 506 Doyle: Man, I hate those kind of guys. Rory: What kind of guys? Doyle: Those privileged white males. Rory: Doyle, your a privileged white male. Doyle: Well he's more privileged and way more whiter gilmore girls - 507 Life and Death Brigade Member: Said gap 'twix d and f should not slip from from lips in any word this group allows. Rory: Said're not using the letter e? gilmore girls - 507 Rory: High. We are very high. Logan: I've been higher. Rory: I meant 'distance from the ground'. Logan: That, too. gilmore girls - 507 Emily: Where'd your martini go? Lorelai: To a happy place. gilmore girls - 507 Lorelai: What? Were you in the room? Did you not hear the awful things she said? Luke: What did she say? Lorelai: Rustic diner? Rustic? Luke: So? Lorelai: Backhand slang for crap pile. Luke: Or she was admiring its vintage feel. Lorelai: Oh, what was the other word she used? Luke: Charming? Lorelai: Ah, slang for doggie poopy. Luke: Unbelievable. gilmore girls - 508 Lorelai: You're the perfect man. Luke: Thank you. Lorelai: I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you. Luke: Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer. gilmore girls - 508 Rory: Grandma's mean. Lorelai: If it flew, swam, or crawled on this earth, we just ate it. gilmore girls - 508 Lorelai: Wow! My own cheesecake? No man's ever given me a whole cheesecake before. Luke: You remember that gilmore girls - 508 Logan: (Stands up) So, who's it going to be? Rory: What? Logan: Well, this shindig's an obvious meat market, I've got the feeling that your grandparents are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so... Rory: Oh, well... Finn: Me. Pick me. Others: No, pick me! Finn: But I'm exotic! Colin: So's the Asian Bird flu. Logan: Wow. A room full of guys and still extremely slim pickings. gilmore girls - 508 Paris: You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones. gilmore girls - 508 Logan: You'll be okay. Rory: No, I won't. Logan: Okay, that's it. Back to the pool house, men. We have some serious bucking up to do here. Colin: I swiped some Scotch. Finn: I'll reenact the Passion of the Christ. (The boys cheer and head inside.) Logan: Hey Ace, nothing ever seems quite as bad after Finn's Passion of the Christ. Except Finn's Passion of the Christ. gilmore girls - 508 Kyon: What is this? Lane: Fries. Kyon: But Mrs. Kim, she says the fries are the Devil's starchy fingers. Lane: They're hot and delicious, and they don't have any flaxseed in them. Kyon: But they are a gateway food. They lead to harder things -- pizza, movie popcorn, deep-fried Snickers bars. (Lane waves a plate of fries under Kyon's nose.) Kyon: Ooh. (Kyon picks up a fry and takes a bite.) Kyon: Mmm. Lane: Welcome to America gilmore girls - 509 Lorelai: So, which one do you want me to take? Rory: How about I'll take Grandpa and you'll take Grandma. Lorelai: Blagh! No. Rory: OK, then I'll take Grandma, you take Grandpa. Lorelai: Blagh! No. Rory: Mom! Lorelai: Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much and as far as I can tell, thoroughly enjoys the way I dress gilmore girls - 509 Rory: OK, so I've got an idea. Lorelai: Finally, this Yale thing's kicking in. gilmore girls - 509 Lorelai: Hi, TJ. TJ: Three feet, Lorelai, because I haven't showered in as many days. Lorelai: Uh! Bye, TJ. gilmore girls - 509 Emily: You see a man. You walk up to him, and you say - Lorelai: Hello. Emily: Is that too forward? gilmore girls - 509 Paris: People came to America to escape religious persecution. Marty: What religion is against leftovers? gilmore girls - 509 Emily: I think its time for me to date. Lorelai: (Chokes on drink) Oh my God! Emily: I want to go on a date. Lorelai: With a man? Emily: No, a weasel. Of course with a man! Lorelai: I'm not hearing this! Emily: Well, why shouldnt I date? I'm still a viable commodity. Lorelai: I need a paper towel and a valium, please. gilmore girls - 510 Luke: I smashed my leg on a Thigh Master. Lorelai: I'm so sorry. Luke: And then I tripped and smashed my other leg on another Thigh Master. Lorelai: I'm sorry. Luke: Why the hell do you have so many Thigh Masters? Lorelai: I have a really bad thigh complex. gilmore girls - 510 Kirk: I have a business proposition for you. Lorelai: OK. Kirk: How often do you slip in your tub? Lorelai: Never. Kirk: OK, it doesn't work if you answer like that, so... Lorelai: Constantly. I never stop slipping even when I get out. Kirk: I thought so. gilmore girls - 510 Logan: Did I just see you smell that book? gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: Oh you know what? I have someone standing abnormally close to me. I'll call you later. Rory: Okay, say hi to Kirk for me. gilmore girls - 510 (Marty knocks on the door and comes in, carrying a paper bag.) Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result. (Notices Anna) Hey. Rory: This is Anna. Marty: (Gasps excitedly) Did Paris move? Paris: (From behind him) I'm right here, Marty. Marty: I know, Paris. gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: Because, you keep all those crazy anal Bob Graham kind of notebooks. "Eight a.m., got up. Eight fifteen, brushed teeth. Eight twenty-five, had impure thoughts. Eight thirty-six, sent dwarves off to work." Rory: I do not have my diaries from last November on me at the moment. Lorelai: But you do have them. Rory: Yes. Lorelai: And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning. Rory: Yes. Lorelai: I love my little circus freak. Rory: I call you later. Lorelai: Hey, did your Mini-Me show up? Rory: Yeah, her name's Anna. She's right here. gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: In my hand, ladies and gentlemen, sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner: I am never more than 10 feet away from pie. Luke: Ah, see I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat. Lorelai: Uh, it's heaven. One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter. Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka. Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close. gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: Hey, so Luke, Ms. Patty is celebrating her 40 year anniversary. Luke: Which husband? Lorelai: With the business we call show. Luke: Oh, him. Lorelai: And she's having a big party and I told her we'd go. Luke: Oh man! Lorelai: It'll be fun! Luke: It will not be fun. Lorelai: She'll be wearing tap shoes, and there'll be songs and punch, and at least one story about Milton Pearls penis. Luke: Only one? Lorelai: Common, I have to have you there, otherwise people will think I made you up. gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: I think it's going very well, you and me, you think it's going very well? Luke: I have very few complaints. Lorelai: I'm going right past the 'very few complaints' comment because I know you're just trying to bait me . . . what complaints? gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: Hey, so tell me about this Logan. Rory: It's three degrees out here. Lorelai: Uh, as of tonight my father knows way more personal dish about you than I do. That's not right or fair. He doesn't get as much enjoyment out of the dish as I do and for him the dish is always half empty. Rory: You're just talking to keep yourself warm, aren't you? gilmore girls - 510 Rory: I have no words. Logan: It was just a joke. Rory: Oh, no, wait, I thought of some. Jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat boy, lowlife, buttfaced miscreant. Logan: Buttfaced miscreant. Rory: Why would you do something like that? Logan: I'm sorry. Buttfaced miscreant? gilmore girls - 510 Lorelai: Fine, but if that changes? Rory: You'll be the first to know. Lorelai: Ok. Thank you 'cus there are not many ways I can out do my father. Rory: I know. Lorelai: Info on you and looking better in chiffon is about it. . . . oh and my pole dance is way hotter. gilmore girls - 511 Kirk: (runs into Luke's diner) My girlfriend's the whore! Woohoo! (runs out) gilmore girls - 511 Lorelai: I blame myself. I may have been too needy with snow, too clingy, so it had no choice but to push me away, create a boundry. Rory: Snow and men have a lot in common. gilmore girls - 511 Emily: Ok now pretend I'm not here. You girls and I can talk later. Loreali: Ok, well,Rory, oh my God, did I tell you about the horrendous thing that Mom did? She can be such a witch with a B. Emily: Loreali! Loreali: Oh geez, Mom, I forgot you were there, my pretending is that good. gilmore girls - 511 Chris: (Sees Lorelai with a bag indentical to Rory's) Milk and cookies? Lorelai: (Pulls a bottle of tequila out of the bag) Grown up milk and cookies. Chris: Come on in friend. gilmore girls - 512 Lorelai: I love it when I talk and no one listens. It makes me feel at home. gilmore girls - 512 Jackson: Okay son, I think it's time to get you laid. Lorelai: That's nice. Bye boys. gilmore girls - 512 Lorelai: Aw, you didn't like your manicotti? Luke: That was not manicotti. It was square, and flat, and blue. Lorelai: Yeah, manicotti's rarely blue. gilmore girls - 512 Lorelai: Or, Mel Brooks is on and he is so funny, and you think, 'What a wonderful world we live in that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to.' Luke: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazi's and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazi's and they all look like Nathan Lane and you're creeped out for days. gilmore girls - 512 Doyle: Gilmore, I am loving you at this moment. Paris: Moment's over. Doyle: Moment's over. Thanks. gilmore girls - 512 (After playing oriental music) Gil: Yeah! Awesome! You guys rock! gilmore girls - 512 Lorelai: (To Luke) You have to come to the wedding or else I'll get drunk and wind up making out with the best man and the best man is Rory! gilmore girls - 512 Sookie: I'm the most horrible, evil person in the entire world Lorelai: Well, my mother will be sad to hear she's been dethroned. gilmore girls - 513 Lorelai: Stop her from getting a drink. Rory: How? Lorelai: Show her Nick Nolte's mug shot. gilmore girls - 513 Richard: Focus, please. Lorelai: I am a camera. gilmore girls - 513 Lorelai: (to Emily about her wedding jitters) It's a pretend wedding! J.Lo has 'em all the time! gilmore girls - 513 Luke: Hold on, did you say Cop Rock marathon? Lorelai: Yeah, I got 'em all on tape.[pause]Trying to figure out what you see in me? Luke: Yep. Lorelai: Wait'll you see me in the boots. gilmore girls - 513 Gypsy: (to Lorelai) Make your mother stop talking to me. gilmore girls - 513 Lorelai: (catching Logan and Rory kissing) Grandma wants a picture. Rory: Of this!? gilmore girls - 513 Rory: (to Lorelai about rearranging the wedding seating chart) Second circle of Hell, party of one. gilmore girls - 514 Paris: Well, no one called, left a note, smoke signaled, Morse coded, semaphore flagged or came by. Male, female or hermaphrodite. Rory: Okay, thanks. Paris : (getting up) I'm wide awake. It's your fault. You owe me Boggle. Rory: Paris - Paris: Boggle! gilmore girls - 514 Michel: (talking about the dolls) You're feeding them? They have no opposable thumbs! Sookie: The girls have no thumbs? Aww! It's a handicapped girls party? Michel:No, the dolls! Sookie: Dolls can be handicapped? gilmore girls - 515 Rory: He wanted to give me his side of the story. Lorelai: Oh well, unless his side of the story includes having his long lost evil twin lock him in a closet and come to the wedding in his place, his side of the story doesn't exist. gilmore girls - 515 Rory: So what's going on at home? Lorelai: Big grapefruit shortage. The hurricanes wiped them out and Taylor is completely freaking out. Rory: I'm sure. Lorelai: And Patty and Babette are organizing Stars Hollow's first botox party. Rory: Are you invited? Lorelai: Are you insinuating I should be? Rory: So the Hollow's low on grapefruits? gilmore girls - 515 Paris: Listen, Lorelai? If you decide that your breakup is something that you want to talk about, please let me know. Lorelai: Okay, Paris. Paris: And let me know before Tuesday, because I'm doing a paper for my Emotional Mental Health class about how women of a certain age cope with loneliness, and I think you'd be a great lead-off anecdote. (Lorelai glares at Paris then looks at Rory) Rory: You can't take her. She's trained in Krav Maga. Lorelai: Damn it! gilmore girls - 515 Rory: So, how was the Zydeco music? Logan: I left when Finn jumped in on vocals. Rory: Excellent self-preservational instinct gilmore girls - 515 Rory: You couldn't find an ATM? Marty: Oh, no, there's at least six ATMs within a two block radius and every single one of them is going to tell me that I only have eighteen dollars in my account...and then I believe they will flip me off. gilmore girls - 515 Juliet: Are you going to eat that fried shrimp? Rory: I think I am. Juliet: Oh God, can I watch? gilmore girls - 515 Lorelai: Hey, isn't that your naked guy? Rory: Oh, yeah. Marty, hey! He's not my naked guy. Lorelai: Well, you don't really want a communal naked guy, nowadays, you know, it's too sketchy. gilmore girls - 515 Doyle: You look so hot when you find me annoying. Paris: Then I must be Gisele Bündchen to you 24/7 gilmore girls - 515 Lorelai: But, hey, don't worry about me. Things are starting to look up. (holds up the flier) They think I'm a student. Rory: And they also think you're Polynesian and potentially sexually undecided. Lorelai: Yeah. Well, still an improvement. gilmore girls - 515 (Logan climbs in through the window) Logan: Wow, that move always looked cooler in the movies. gilmore girls - 515 Sookie: No more pork! Lorelai: Finally something to put on our business cards. gilmore girls - 515 Rory: Well, it is Friday night. Lorelai: Yeah, but Friday night dinner without Ava and Adolf. Lovely. Rory: It's really not fair calling Grandpa Adolf. Lorelai: No, no, that was Grandma. gilmore girls - 516 Lorelai: (about Luke's boat being parked in the street) See, it's supposed to be auctioned off for charity for the National Boating for Peace and, uh, low blood sugar organization for tiny children, and so they delivered it early and not finished, and so it was dropped off here, so, to be picked up by the boat finishing guys. I'm supposed to move it. But there was this kitten. In a tree. He had a cold, and I had to bring him a Kleenex, and – gilmore girls - 516 Lane: How you doing, Kirk? Kirk: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it. Lane: It's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it. Kirk: But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with fishy tasting bacon. gilmore girls - 516 Lorelai: (pretending to read Emily's postcard to Rory) Let's see how her trip has been since the last card. "Dear Lorelai, kicked a dog then punched a gypsy in the groin." Oh, that's nice. Rory: Mom... Lorelai: (reading) "Complained about the foie gras to a waiter whose yearly pay is less than what I spend monthly on silver polish, then kicked another dog." Rory: Mom! Lorelai: (reading) "Tripped a nun, then burned down an orphanage." gilmore girls - 516 Lorelai: You are my only daughter, that I know of. gilmore girls - 516 Rory: (in reference to one of three laundry bags she's attempting to carry) Ah, you dirty rat bastard! Lorelai: Which one is the dirty rat bastard? Rory: (pointing) That one! Lorelai: Ah! (kicks the bag repeatedly) Rory: Ok...that's enough... gilmore girls - 516 Lane: Is it great? Rory: Is what great? Lane: Sex! Is it great? Rory: Not in front of the books Lane! gilmore girls - 516 Rory: (takes a bite of Luke's burger) Oh my God! What is that thing?! Lane: Sorry, I should have warned you. Rory: This is disgusting, this is from Luke's? Lane: Yeah, He's been a little off his game lately. Rory: Off his game?! It'e like Tiger Woods made this thing! Lane: Luke's been in a bad mood lately. Rory: And he's taking it out on the cheeseburgers?! Lane: It's been awful, everything's either been burnt or dropped, he's absolutely miserable. He just mopes and growls and stomps around, he throws customers out the door. Rory: Geez! Lane: I'm assuming his mood might have something to do with a certain someone who's been spending alot of her time at Weston's lately. Rory: Oh, poor sad Luke. gilmore girls - 517 Rory: What shoes are you wearing? Lorelai: The pink pumps. Rory: I like those. Lorelai: Are they a little too 'Come and get it'? Rory: Don't you want him to come and get it? Lorelai: Uh, yes, but I want it to be his idea to come and get it. It's not the same if the shoes tell him to 'Come and get it'. gilmore girls - 517 Lorelai: Hey, how would you feel about doing a little shopping tomorrow? Rory: Hurt. Confused. A little dirty. gilmore girls - 517 Michel: (on the phone) I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard. gilmore girls - 517 Finn: Who's as drunk as I am? Colin: No one, since Spencer Tracy died. gilmore girls - 517 Luke: There's nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough, canned frosting. Why are you not 450 pounds? Lorelai: I know. Scientists call it the Lorelai Paradox. gilmore girls - 517 Michel: Who missed Michel? Lorelai: Huh. Trick question? gilmore girls - 517 Luke: Want some coffee? Lorelai: Say that again slower and with your pants off. Luke: What's that? Lorelai: My pretty, pretty face. Luke: It's a Weston's coffee cup. Lorelai: Is it? Luke: You bring an enemy coffee cup in here on the day of our reconciliation. Lorelai: Well, at least I didn't ask you for a favor on this, the day of your daughter's wedding. Luke: Get that coffe outta here. Lorelai: This is not coffee. This is a mocha, chocolate, caramel, swirl-a-chino with extra whipped cream. Luke: That sounds disgusting. Lorelai: It is. And if it were physically possible to make love to a hot beverage this would be the one. Luke: So apparently I've got competition. Lorelai: No, no, no. It's just a fling. I'll finally spend the night with it, but then when I see it in the morning with the caramel unswirled and the whipped cream unwhipped - Huh! Buh-bye. gilmore girls - 517 Luke: You know, if someone opened a store in this town selling giant butterfly nets they'd make a fortune. Lorelai: I don't know. The crazy need love too. gilmore girls - 517 Rory: Logan! Where are we going? Slow down. Logan: You slow down, you die. Rory: Yeah, you go too fast in heels and you kind of die also. gilmore girls - 517 Finn: Drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will be in a great deal of pain. gilmore girls - 517 Lorelai: Hey, Kirk, how's the ribbon collecting coming? Luke: Oh, why do you get him started? Kirk: I think we're near the finish line. Lorelai: Who's winning? Luke: Hey, this isn't a contest. Lorelai: I just want to know. Luke: I don't care who's winning. Lorelai: Well, then you won't care if it's me. Luke: Well, of course it's you. You're the one who makes the costumes for the Christmas pagant. You make the ornaments for the Firelight Festival. You go to the town meetings. You say hello to people. You have a daughter that looks like she belongs on top of a Christmas tree. Everybody knows that gets you tons of points. Lorelai: Yeah. Luke: There's no way to compete with that. Lorelai: Kirk? Kirk: You're kicking his ass. Lorelai: Yes! gilmore girls - 517 Kirk: I had an imaginary girlfriend, but she left me. gilmore girls - 517 Lorelai: Cluelessness is the mother of invention. gilmore girls - 517 Rory: Oh hey Colin, where's your date? Colin: I went to pick her up, the door opens, and she was dressed like Mira Sorvino. Robert: How do you dress like Mira Sorvino? Colin: You have blonde hair and a nametag that says Mira Sorvino. I just turned around and left. gilmore girls - 518 Lorelai: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head? Taylor: Just for playing my Muzak too loud. I mean, who doesn't love Muzak? Sookie: Music lovers? Luke: The thing slipped out of my hand. Taylor: Right after you said, "You better duck, Taylor, because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head"? gilmore girls - 518 Sookie: I forget, when was the last time we thought he was dying? Patty: It's been a good two years. Lorelai: I remember now. The last time - the rain? Sookie: We got drenched. Lorelai: Made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer. gilmore girls - 518 Miss Patty: (discussing where currently-homeless Kirk will sleep) Maybe the Morrisses wil take him again. Kirk: Their kid stuck things in my nose. Miss Patty: Well then, lock the door when you sleep. Kirk: It wasn't while I was asleep. gilmore girls - 518 (On the Multimedia Diorama, about Stars Hollow foundation) Background voice : "The stars, so bright! This forest, so hollow! What name should I give this place? Hollow... Stars... Hollow... Stars..." (fade out) Lorelai : "No! Really? They`re gonna leave us with a cliffhanger?" gilmore girls - 518 Taylor: Now, before we begin, I`d like us all to join hands. Luke: What? Gypsy: He is a twisted little perv, if you ask me. gilmore girls - 518 Rory : (about old man Twickham) I can't believe that he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life! gilmore girls - 518 (Rory and Lorelai are in Rory's room; Kirk walks in covering his eyes) Kirk: Can I get some water? Lorelai: Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk? Kirk: In case you're naked. Lorelai: You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked? Kirk: I don't know your domestic routine. Lorelai: Glasses are above the sink. gilmore girls - 518 Lorelai: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head without me? I hate you! gilmore girls - 518 Taylor: (voice over) Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to "The Stars Hollow Dioramic History Presentation". Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember, no talking, no smoking and please, no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation. Luke: (jumping after being "pinched" by Lorelai) Hey... Lorelai: Just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation. gilmore girls - 518 Lorelai: (noticing the broken window) What happened there? Luke: What do you think? Taylor. Lorelai: How did Taylor break the window? Luke: How do you think? By being Taylor. Lorelai: Taylor's "Taylorness" can now break glass? Luke: You know what I mean, he's doing something and then crash, bang, there you go. gilmore girls - 518 Rory : He has never died before! Lorelai : I think that there is a first time for everything. gilmore girls - 519 Logan: How's that headache of yours? Rory: Subsiding a little. The mashed potato, mac and cheese, biscuit, gravy plate combo really helped a lot. Logan: I have to say, half the fun in being with you is the horrified looks on the waiters' faces. gilmore girls - 519 Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which I believe was the first draft of "you had me at hello." gilmore girls - 519 Lorelai: The ducks will be fine. They are lying in a pan with their heads chopped off, so the worst part is behind them. gilmore girls - 519 Rory: By the way, thanks for leaving me on the bathroom floor all night. Lorelai: Uh, hey, I tried to get you up. You actually used your foot to stop me. Rory: I did? Lorelai: Yes. It was very House of Flying Daggers, but with vomiting. Rory: Sorry. I don't remember that. The foot part. The vomiting part, however - Paris: Stop saying the word 'vomiting', unless you want a Mr. Creosote situation on your hands here. gilmore girls - 519 Honor: I'm sorry, I'm totally blank. Your name is? Rory: Rory, Rory Gilmore. Logan: Yeah, Rory is my ...(pauses) girlfriend. Rory: You okay over there? You need a little water, or a time machine? Honor: I'm sorry, did you say girlfriend? Logan: Yes. Rory: It's new. Honor: Oh my god! I've never heard him call anybody his girlfriend before. Well, Alyssa Milano. But he was ten and in a weird Who's the Boss phase. Logan: Wow, time flies by when you're being pushed out of the door! gilmore girls - 519 Doyle: It feels like bees are buzzing in my head. Feel it! Paris: What? Doyle: Feel my head. Paris: Why? Doyle: I just want you to know how hot I am. Paris: Well when you're hot, you're hot. And when you're not, you're not. That's how the song goes. Just follow the song! Doyle: What? Paris: I just don't see why putting my hand on your head is going to get you. Doyle: What? Paris: I am not a shaman, Doyle, I don't have healing powers. gilmore girls - 519 Rory: Why do they think I'm not good enough? I'm a Gilmore, do they know that? My ancestors came over on the Mayflower! gilmore girls - 519 (Logan, Rory and Honor are standing at the doorstep about to enter the Huntzberger's house) Honor: Just get in here! Rory: (to Logan) Remind me to tell you the time my mom wore a shirt with a rhinestone penis on it and my grandma had her car towed. gilmore girls - 519 Luke: (to Sookie) I don't care what bed you're in, that is between you and your husband and God - and I hope a qualified therapist. gilmore girls - 520 Rory: What are you thinking about? Logan: Whether or not you've ever woken up with Paris standing over you with a knife. Rory: Not recently. She's been in a good mood. gilmore girls - 520 Lorelai: (Looking at the automatic vacuum cleaner) You know if we died right now, and decomposed, it would vacuum us up and no one would ever know. Rory: (Looking at her own vaccuum cleaner while on the phone with Lorelai) Freaky. gilmore girls - 520 When Lorelai calls Emily and doesn't say anything at first: Emily: Hello? Who are you looking for? Did you dial the wrong number? You know, it's very rude to dial someone and then just sit there on the phone without so much as a grunt or a moan. I mean, as far as perverted phone calls go, this is a very poor one. gilmore girls - 520 Lorelai: Yeah, her genius plan is to come home, go to bed early, set the clock for two, get up and go rock. Luke: Solid plan. Lorelai: Yes, except that when the clock goes off at two, she will be dead asleep and won't hear it. I, however, will. I will then proceed to get up, drag myself downstairs, recreating a classic Zucker Brothers moment and then I'll shake her awake. She'll get up, throw on some jeans, a t-shirt, and no make-up and look like a Neutrogena ad, whereas once she leaves, I'll pass out on the couch, too exhausted to make it all the way upstairs, and in the morning I will have bags under my eyes that should have Tumi stamped on them. I love being a mom. gilmore girls - 520 Emily: Have you lost your mind? Lorelai: shaking her head No, no, still slushing around up there. gilmore girls - 520 Taylor : You waited two hours to come and get me? Luke : I have a business. I can't come running everytime a family of mannequins decides to attack you. gilmore girls - 521 Rory: Sounds good. Hey, um, did you ever mention this pregnancy scare to Luke? Lorelai: My God, no. Can you imagine? 'Uh, Luke, you're going to be a daddy.' Suddenly there's nothing left but a puff of smoke and a baseball cap spinning on the floor. gilmore girls - 521 Luke: I've got to get a new pair of pants. Lorelai: Okay. That didn't exactly follow. Luke: You know, for the party they're going to throw you. Lorelai: You don't need new pants. You just need pants. And the party's in New York, so you may not even need pants. gilmore girls - 521 Luke: I haven't raised the price of my toast in seven years, Kirk. It's still a bargain. Kirk: I'll give you a dollar four. Luke: No. Kirk: A dollar five. That's my last offer. Luke: Do I look like E-bay? gilmore girls - 521 Kirk: You overcharged me for the toast. It's only supposed to be a dollar. Luke: I didn't overcharge you, Kirk. I raised the price of wheat toast. It's a dollar ten. Kirk: You're kidding. Luke: I don't do toast humor. gilmore girls - 521 Lorelai: So, meet me at their house at noon. Bring decorations and she'll wake up to a nice, fun surprise baby shower. Rory: You got it. Lorelai: I think it's cool we waited this long to throw it. She's totally not going to expect it. Rory: Plus we forgot. Lorelai: But only we know that. gilmore girls - 521 Rory: Oh, you really want to re-live the U-haul incident of May 2004? Lorelai (indignant): Ah! You make one iffy u-turn. Rory: We were in a tunnel! Lorelai: A wide tunnel. Rory: Going the wrong way down a one-way street. Lorelai: They don't let you forget. Rory: Yeah, I've got that elephant's memory when it comes to nearly dying. gilmore girls - 521 Lorelai: I love ranting, Luke. Luke: Why does this song keep playing? Lorelai: Because I put the CD player on repeat with my fancy remote in my fancy limo. Hey, do a limo rant. I bet that's a good one. Luke: No, that's right, they sent you a limo. You deserve it. Lorelai: And it enabled us to drink and not drive. Luke: That's good too. gilmore girls - 521 Lorelai: I think I might be pregnant. Rory: Oh...Wow. Lorelai: I just ate an apple. Rory: Oh. Lorelai: And liked it. Rory: Whoa. gilmore girls - 521 Luke: I'm not really hungry. I am something, though; what am I? Lorelai: You're drunk. gilmore girls - 521 Cesar: (answers phone) Hello? Hold on. Luke, it's for you. It's Taylor. Lorelai: (gasp) Cesar, you just broke Luke's standing "When Taylor calls, I'm out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window" rule. Cesar: I can tell him you're out, and that Duke, your evil identical twin, is in town. gilmore girls - 522 Luke: I know you think you have this thing handled, but I can help. First off, we call Yale, and we tell them something like, uh, Rory had a chemical imbalance and she was medically out of her mind when she told them she was dropping out. And then we get her out of your parents' house whatever way we can, and we lock her up in her room with you, 'cause you can talk her into this. You can talk anybody into anything. Then if worse comes to worst, we will drive her to school every day and we will follow her to class and camp out there to make sure she goes. I'll take morning classes, you take afternoon classes, or the other way around if it works out better for your schedule. And I know there's a few kinks to work out and the kidnapping might be a little problematic, but either way, she is not quitting school. This was her dream. I am not gonna let this happen. gilmore girls - 522 Mrs. Kim: I have contacts with the entire east coast Seventh-day Adventists entertainment circuit. Dates back to my days in an all-girl Christian tambourine band. gilmore girls - 522 Rory: Kirk just came by and gave us a two minute warning. Any idea of what he's talking about? Lorelai: No one knows what Kirk is talking about. gilmore girls - 522 Michel: You're going to sell the inn to Mike Armstrong, and then you're going to go off and have a wonderful life and I'm going to be unemployed. A very attractive asset on the dating scene. You know, we have our own little section at gilmore girls - 522 Mrs Kim: Lyrics must be clean. Zach: Okay, that's where we draw the line. We will not change our lyrics. Mrs Kim: Oh, please. Prince made fifty-seven million take home last year. He didn't swear, and he mentioned God. Catch up. gilmore girls - 522 Emily: What do you mean, Rory's quitting Yale? Why would you joke about something like that? Lorelai: What makes you think I'm joking? Emily: Because Rory would never quit Yale! This must be one of your bits. You scare us with something horrible, like Rory's quitting college, and then after we have a heart attack, you tell us you were just kidding. You're having a sex change operation. Lorelai: Mom. Dad. I'm not having a sex change operation. gilmore girls - 522 Michel: He has not come. Should I call him again? Lorelai: No. Forget it. I'll call Luke. He'll come fix it, and all it'll cost me is my honor. gilmore girls - 522 Rory: I have to get back to school. I have one last final, plus – Lorelai: Oh, wait. (She grabs two telephones and sets them on the table, as if they are separated by glass. She picks up one of the phones and looks up at Rory.) Rory: Plus I have one last load of stuff that I need to pick up and transport back here. And now I have to hang up. Visiting hours are over. gilmore girls - 522 (Lorelai steps back from the fridge to display Rory's mug shot attached to the door.) Rory: Where did you get that? Lorelai: Oh, the nice lady at the police station e-mailed it to me. I thought it would look really nice next to your kindergarten handprint collage. I got you a copy if you're thinking Christmas cards. gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: (sighs) Rory, what happened tonight? Rory: (after a pause) I stole a yacht. Lorelai: Yes, I know. The nice men with the guns told me. gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: What's on your hands? Rory: Fingerprints. Lorelai: Right. (Pause) Do you want to go in and eat, or take it home? Rory: Home. Lorelai: Okay. (Pause) We're having a bike race. Bike race through town, first one ever. Taylor's really excited. Maybe Sheryl Crow will come. Rory: Maybe. Lorelai: Probably not. (Pause) I'm running out of small talk, kid. Got to get around to the main event here soon. gilmore girls - 522 Logan: You should have told me. Rory: I didn't want to tell you. Logan: Hey, if this relationship thing is going to work then it goes both ways. You have to tell me why we're committing a felony before we do it, not that that's gonna stop us, but at least I'll have all the facts. gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: The penal system is not something we enjoy. It's something with a name that makes us giggle. gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me? Luke: What? gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: Okay, this is not the end of the world, right? I mean, Rory's young. Young people do stupid things. I got pregnant! This is better 'cause it's not so... permanent! gilmore girls - 522 Colin: I'm Colin and this is Finn. You are...? Lorelai: Her mother. Finn: My God, those are good genes. gilmore girls - 522 Luke: What's all this stuff? Lorelai: That is my big fancy fancy present. Luke: From who? Lorelai: From Mike Armstrong. Luke: Who the hell is Mike Armstrong? Lorelai: He's my other lover, he owns a diner in Woodbury. I didn't want you to find out this way. gilmore girls - 522 Lane: You have your Americana banjo band, and you have Century 21, and you have a really stupid hat on. And what do I have? Huh? According to my mother, I'm going to hell for this. That's commitment, my friends. Eternal damnation is what I'm risking for my rock and roll. gilmore girls - 522 Lorelai: Oh, it's going to be nice to have you home for a while. Rory: Oh, I'm glad you feel that way. Lorelai: Yeah, the place hasn't had a decent dusting since you left. gilmore girls - 522 Luke: I mean, they could send you anywhere. Lorelai: Luke... Luke: And then there's all that travel, there's travel, right? Lorelai: Yes, no, I don't know, what are you freaking out about? Luke: Well what about the kids? Lorelai: What kids? Luke: Um, nothing, never mind, forget it, I'm gonna fix the window. Lorelai: Luke! gilmore girls - 601 (gesturing towards Charlie) Richard: ...If you knew the number of truly guilty criminals put back on the street by this man here, you'd never believe in the criminal justice system again. gilmore girls - 601 Lorelai: Paris. Listen to me. You are a very smart, driven young lady. You can be anything you want. Except a diplomat. gilmore girls - 601 (Luke sits in the chair at the bottom of the stairs, flipping through a magazine.) Luke: How much longer? Lorelai: (from upstairs) Oh, sorry. There's a purse-shoe incident that's threatening the entire outcome of the ensemble. It's technical, you wouldn't understand. gilmore girls - 601 Luke: Kirk, where'd you get all these rings? Kirk: I befriend really old women. Luke: Excuse me? Kirk: Really old women need companionship, Luke. They are really old. Most people they know are dead. So when someone comes along and they're not dead, and they'll listen to their stories and care about their dosage, they are grateful. Luke: Are you serious? Kirk: Serious as a heart attack. Which is how I got that ring you're holding right now. So what do you think? gilmore girls - 601 Lorelai: Luke and I are engaged. Taylor: You are? Lorelai: As of just a few minutes ago. Taylor: Well, what do you know? I thought there was a better chance of all four of the Beatles getting back together than you two ever calming down long enough to get engaged! gilmore girls - 601 Lorelai: Yeah. Something to commemorate the moment. I mean, we're getting married. Luke. Married. You and me. Luke table-for-one Danes and Lorelai I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-forklift-for-my-emotional-baggage Gilmore are getting - married. Huh? gilmore girls - 601 Luke: Where are we going? Lorelai: To Funky Town. gilmore girls - 601 Paris: (about Doyle) And you know what? He's the tallest one in his family. Rory: Really? Paris: Yep. A family get-together is like a Lollipop Gould Convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory. gilmore girls - 601 Charlie: Goodbye Emily. (To Richard) Go! To! Hell! Richard Richard : I'm not through with you yet. Emily: Richard, you can't kill him here, we're in a court house! gilmore girls - 601 Babette: Where the hell is he? Miss Patty: There! He's right there! Babette: Get over here you! Miss Patty: I can't believe it! (Hugs Luke) Babette: You finally did it, you dumb son of a bitch. You finally got in there and closed the deal! Miss Patty: Took you long enough. gilmore girls - 601 Lorelai: We should drink Zima and have sex every single night. Luke: Ok! gilmore girls - 601 Lorelai: Luke, will you marry me? Luke: What? Lorelai: Luke will you... Luke: Yes. Lorelai: Well, you don't have to answer so... Luke: Yes. Lorelai: You can take a minute to... Luke: No. gilmore girls - 601 (After entering her parents' room in the middle of the night with the rest of Rory's things.) Lorelai: I don't hate you. Why would I hate you? Emily: Because we...because you thought we.... Lorelai: You were just being you. You couldn't help it. Emily: What are you talking about? Lorelai: The scorpion and the frog. It's an old story. The scorpion says to the frog, "Hey, frog. Give me a lift to the other side of the pond." Frog says, "No way. You'll sting me and I'll die." Scorpion says, "Will not! 'Cause then we'll both drown." Frog says, "Cool." So the scorpion gets on the frog's back and frog makes it to the middle of the pond and scorpion stings him. As the frog is going down he says, "Why would you do that? Now we'll both drown." Scorpion say,: "Sorry, it's just my nature." Frog (points to herself). Scorpion (points to her parents). Emily: (after a pause) I always thought it was a turtle. gilmore girls - 602 T.J.: Well, is it okay if I give out my card to any inquiring party? (He hands Luke a card.) Luke: Sure. If they inquire, I'll give them a card. (He looks at the card.) You crossed out 'Ralph's Shoe Repair' and wrote in 'AJ Construction'. That's your card? T.J.: I don't technically have cards. So I take them from other businesses and write my own stuff in. Luke: You want to - might want to cross out the picture of the guy shining the boot. It might confuse things. T.J.: Thanks. (He takes the card back as Luke heads to the storeroom.) What a team, uh? What a team? (To the patrons sitting at the counter) How 'bout those shelves, uh? You plus your fat cousins could sit on 'em. They wouldn't break. They're that strong. gilmore girls - 602 Lorelai: Sookie, look at my eyes. Sookie: Okay. Lorelai: How do they look? Sookie: Pretty socked in there. Lorelai: And there they will remain. Everything's good. Promise. Sookie: Good. Pretty eyes, too. Lorelai: I'm taken. Sookie: Sorry. gilmore girls - 602 Lorelai: Repaying your debt to society, I assume. Rory: That's what this is. Lorelai: System already hardened you? Rory: So I guess congratulations are in order? Lorelai: So how are things at the new digs? Rory: You guys set a date yet? Lorelai: Grandma re-decorate the pool house yet? Rory: Be sure to send me a picture! Lorelai: Be sure to send me a change of address card! Grandma can print them out for you with a little fleur-de-lis. Rory: I'm not supposed to be talking to outsiders. Lorelai: Fine. [She turns and walks away.] Rory: You and Luke getting engaged and not telling me about it? You hurt me! Lorelai: Back at you! gilmore girls - 602 Emily's Irish Friend: (to Rory) Oh you're going to match the drapes in our office perfectly! gilmore girls - 602 Lorelai: I think it's really sad that you've lost the little boy in you. Luke: The little boy didn't like dogs either. gilmore girls - 602 T.J.: I hate that you've lost the little boy in you. Luke: Don't cry for me. gilmore girls - 602 Patty: Honey, go see March of the Penguins. That's really as close to the animals as you should get. gilmore girls - 602 Luke: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that? Lorelai: Like what? His posture's perfect. Luke: You know chairs are for people? Lorelai: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair. Luke: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're going to eat in. Lorelai: I don't eat in here. They do. gilmore girls - 602 Paris: But what does a t-shirt say about me? Lorelai: Well - Paris: More importantly, what does it say to Doyle about me? Lorelai: Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt. They don't tend to be that chatty. gilmore girls - 602 Luke: I'll gather up your stuff. Lorelai: Last time you gathered my stuff you accidentally brought me 4 bras and no pants. Luke: That could have been intentional. gilmore girls - 602 Lorelai: Pizza. Paul Anka: *Barks once* Lorelai: Pizza, pizza. Paul Anka: *Barks twice* Lorelai: Salad. Paul Anka: *doesn't bark* (Everyone laughs.) gilmore girls - 602 Rory: I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere. Paris: See for yourself. Google 'Rory Gilmore Sex Boat'. gilmore girls - 602 Michel: She mocked my accent. She called me 'Canadian'. gilmore girls - 602 Michel: She can't commit to a purse, much less a man gilmore girls - 602 Lorelai: (to Luke) You know my babbling capabilities are infinite. gilmore girls - 603 Rory: Well, everything seems appealing when you're stumbling out of an Amsterdam Coffee Bar. Finn: Tell me about it. One night, I spent half an hour hitting on a bike gilmore girls - 603 Rory: You look nice today, Kirk. Kirk: Thanks. This is the suit they buried my dad in. gilmore girls - 603 Kirk: Do you know which is the Davey side of the church and which is the Martha? Rory: I don't think they are sides, Kirk. It's not like a wedding. I think we're all on both kids' sides. gilmore girls - 603 Lane: Oh my God! The tour money! You went into my underwear drawer?! I cannot believe that you went into my underwear drawer. Zach: It was business, not pleasure, Lane. Brian: I had my eyes closed the entire time. It was all by feel. gilmore girls - 603 Sookie: Perhaps this looks familiar. His butt. It's your butt. It's your butt, Luke. It's your butt. Luke: Sookie, stop screaming "It's your butt." People are eating. Sookie: What are the odds of me finding a cake-topper with exactly your butt? gilmore girls - 603 Sookie: Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look. Oh! Luke Luke Luke, look look look! (laughs) That was kind of funny, it just came out! gilmore girls - 603 Jackson: Lorelai checked Bo in. Sookie: We are so, so sorry. gilmore girls - 603 Jackson: He thinks you're a nympho. Bo said Rune said you're a horn dog. Lorelai: A horn dog? Jackson: His word, not mine. Sookie: His family, not mine. gilmore girls - 603 Lorelai: (about Michel) He's snarky. Sookie: And sarcastic. Lorelai: He's snarkastic. gilmore girls - 603 Lorelai: Whoa! Whoa! Sookie, don't do math. You know that hurts your head. Sookie: Ow. gilmore girls - 603 Jackson: Sookie, look at the baptism as a bargaining chip. If we give my mother this, then it will soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy. gilmore girls - 603 Lorelai: Who's getting baptized? Sookie: Oh, our kids are, because apparently we're suddenly super-religious. gilmore girls - 603 Luke: What are you doing yelling 'fire'? You can't do that. Lorelai: No, that only pertains to movie theatres, crowded ones. If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of Deuce Bigalow, you can yell 'fire' all you want, hell, you could start a fire and no one will complain. gilmore girls - 605 Nora: This is a very weak drink. Emily: It's just punch, Nora. Nora: My point, dear. gilmore girls - 605 Richard: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at 3, recite the periodic table at 4, discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was 10. She's read every book by every author with a russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you. gilmore girls - 605 Sookie: What's 'pubic speaking'? Lorelai: I'm hoping it's a misprint. gilmore girls - 605 Sookie: A dog who doesn't like fat is just weird Lorelai: He's not weird! He's just trying to maintain his bathing suit figure. gilmore girls - 605 Rory: Hear any helicopters coming? Glenda: Radar - I get it. gilmore girls - 605 Paris: My parents flipped the bird at the IRS one too many times. gilmore girls - 606 Rory: Logan.....I love you. Logan: The lady who sold me the bag said this might happen. gilmore girls - 606 Lane: So, what's going on in the world? Lorelai: Nothing. Lane: Nothing? Lorelai: Good. Nothing good. There's absolutely nothing positive going on anywhere in the world. How could that be? Lane: That's why I don't read the paper anymore. Lorelai: You will mine. I am starting my own. The Good News Daily -- nothing but good news every day. Lane: Sounds good. Lorelai: "No civil war in Canada" -- big article. "Cars drive down road without incident" -- front-page news. "Puppies -- how cute are they?" In-depth exposé. And the subscription is free. How happy is that? Lane: I'm in a better mood. gilmore girls - 606 Luke: You want some coffee? Lorelai: I'm beyond coffee. Luke: Beyond coffee. This is big. Lorelai: I'm fueled by my righteous indignation, I'll fill you in later. gilmore girls - 606 Lorelai: Sorry, I'm late. I found Paul Anka hiding underneath the kitchen sink, chewing on one of my favorite pairs of shoes. Sookie: Boy, that guy's career has really hit the skids. gilmore girls - 606 (Logan is visiting Rory at the pool house with a big orange shopping bag.) Rory: For me? Logan: For you. Rory: Wow, what's the occasion? Logan; Where is it written I need an occasion. Rory: Wow, you did it. You brought me the head of Alfredo Garcia. Logan: Open it, Ace. Rory: Wow, cool a bag. Logan: Look inside! Rory: Ok. Wow, cool a bag! (Then when they are ready to go, Rory grabs her old small purse, so she can put all the stuff inside her new purse. But then she sees that the new purse is so big, she puts the whole old purse in her new big one.) Rory: Let's go. gilmore girls - 606 Rory: Logan, it's ok. You can use the front door. Logan: No, this is cool. I got a tree stump I can use as a boost out here...or you can let down your hair. gilmore girls - 606 Lorelai: For days, she's been emptying her house, sending me everything she doesn't need anymore, trying to smoke me out of my foxhole. Luke: Well, call her and tell her to knock it off. Lorelai: Oh no, that's exactly what she wants. I poke my head out of the foxhole, it gets blown off. Then I have no head, Luke. gilmore girls - 606 Lorelai: We are the Inn on 'Sores and Boils Alley'. Michel: Oozing, festering. Sookie: Draining. gilmore girls - 606 Lorelai: Kiss? Luke: I'm too mad. gilmore girls - 606 Emily: (as she and Richard snoop through Rory's things) Oh don't worry, I used to do this all the time with Lorelai. One time I opened the drawer and it was chockful of Tootsie Rolls. Hundreds and hundreds practically spilling out. What could a girl possibly want with a drawerful of Tootsie Rolls? Richard: Perhaps it was what was under the Tootsie Rolls? Emily: Under the Tootsie Rolls? Oh my God I should have looked under the Tootsie Rolls. Oh that is going to bother me. gilmore girls - 606 Emily: (about Rory) Logan bought her the most beautiful and prestigious handbag in the world. Richard: A handbag? Emily: A Birkin. I've shown you pictures before, around my birthday. So sophisticated. gilmore girls - 606 Lorelai: Oh my God, I made it. Me, food, give. Luke: BLT emergency? Lorelai: Chilli fries and black & white milkshake emergency. gilmore girls - 606 Logan: If I'm not back in 5 minutes I'm probably in the big house picking out china patterns with Emily. gilmore girls - 606 Richard: The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. Logan: Not if the tree has anything to do about it. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: I'm getting a little tired of - Lorelai: No, I'm getting a little tired of this conversation! I'm not interested in your plan! I'm not going to bribe my daughter with cars and money. Mainly because it wouldn't work, and if you'd ever met Rory you would know it wouldn't work. Rory can't be bought! And I'm not going to try and buy her! I want Rory to want to go back to school! She used to love to learn and read and study! And that was freakish, but it was her! And she's got to get herself back there. Richard: But - Lorelai: No, when Rory wants help she will ask for it. And the minute she does I will fly in faster than the Gulfstream I'm sure you're going to offer to buy her next, but until then, I'm sorry, you're on your own! gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: What about Rory? Richard: I don't like what I see in that girl. Lorelai: My eyes? gilmore girls - 607 Rory: Construction? Lorelai: Yeah, we're making the bedroom bigger. Rory: You and Luke? Lorelai: No, me and John O'Hurley. Luke doesn't know yet. I hope he takes it okay. gilmore girls - 607 Emily: Where's Luke? I hope he didn't get lost somewhere. Lorelai: Oh, no. I'm sure he's just sizing up how much silver he can stuff into his pockets without it making to much of a bulge. gilmore girls - 607 Luke: (about the drink) It tasted pink. Like really tasted really pink. Like pink pink. Lorelai: Let's get something to eat. Luke: God that's terrible. It's like drinking a my little pony. gilmore girls - 607 Logan: And all this without a drink in my hand! Dealing with this family is stressful. Rory: Tell me about it. And once you've had that drink I can tell you how I've been moved out of the pool house into a room right next to my grandparents. So from now on, we'll have to have sex in our invisible suits. (To the bartender) Two Rorys, please. Logan: Does your grandfather know also? Rory: Oh yeah! Logan: Make it four. gilmore girls - 607 Emily: (very distantly) Hello Logan. I have to check on your cake. Logan: Is it me or could the penguins march through here? Rory: She's probably mad because she found out we're having sex. gilmore girls - 607 Logan: Do you really think you can keep talking long enough that I forget I can't come in? Rory: Well, I've seen my mom do it before. I thought it was a family trick. (They start kissing again.) Rory: Just for an hour. Logan: No! Rory: Half an hour? Logan: No! Rory: Fifteen minutes? Logan: No! Rory: Okay, an hour. Logan: You're getting better at this. gilmore girls - 607 Emily: Her boyfriend, how wonderful! Rory's asian friend... Rory: Lane! Emily:...has a boyfriend. gilmore girls - 607 Logan: I know you miss your mom. The concept's a little hard for me to grasp, but I know you do. gilmore girls - 607 Emily: (to Logan and Rory) Alright you two, back to what you were doing. Rory: Hey, grandma says. gilmore girls - 607 Babette: So what about you, honey, what are you going to do ? Lorelai: Oh you know, the same thing I always do. Babette: Oh, you're gonna hang caramel apples from the tree again? Lorelai: Kids love them. Babette: They're not that scary. Lorelai: Well, to a diabetic, they're downright terrifying. gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: (to Luke who's desperatly trying to lift up the doll house) I'm hungry, I'm ordering pizza. The top comes off. gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: (imitating Richard) "She's turning twenty-one Lorelai, did you know that?" Of course I know that, I was there when she was turning nothing. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: I don't believe this. Aren't you listening to me? Lorelai:! gilmore girls - 607 Paris: Last year I was sleeping with the editor. Doyle: And now I am! gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: I got a dog. Rory: (Shocked) What? Lorelai: Stop! He's fine. Rory: He's alive? Lorelai: Yes, he's alive and I'm not discussing that hamster again. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid $40,000 to redecorate her sex house. I bought her a sex mattress. Her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life. Lorelai: Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault. Really, she was having sex long before the big renovation. Richard: Oh, I feel so much better now. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: We have failed, Emily! Emily: No! We haven't failed until she comes home pregnant! Lorelai: And on that note... (gets up and leaves the study) gilmore girls - 607 Luke: (about Rory's phone call) She was mad and she yelled and she said hell. I didn't even know she knew how to say hell. gilmore girls - 607 (The Reverend talking about Rory's virtue.) Reverend: If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, when the right man comes along there will be no gift to give. You'll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I'm saying? Rory: No? Reverend: Think long and hard about to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away. Rory: Oh. Reverend: Yes. gilmore girls - 607 Sookie: Okay, what kind of limpy sausage would you like to pull out of Luke? Lorelai: I'm not sure. Not too limpy 'cause Luke is a big guy and he needs a big guy sausage. Sookie: Don't we all? Lorelai: Don't make my man's sausage dirty! gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: Rory will figure it out. Richard: Oh please she's twenty-one, I couldn't even tie my shoe at twenty-one. Lorelai: Well Rory is advanced. She had the shoe thing down at three. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: We need a plan! Lorelai: But we... I had a plan! You changed the plan. Plan's gone baby! Richard: I don't appreciate your tone Lorelai: Apparently the proper tone went out with the plan. gilmore girls - 607 Lorelai: I didn't know I was invited! Rory: I sent her an invitation! Where the hell did she think it came from? The invitation fairy? gilmore girls - 607 (Luke and Lorelai are on their way to Emily and Richard's house.) Luke: This might be my least-favorite door in the world to knock on. Lorelai: What about death's door? Luke: The reception on the other side might be warmer. gilmore girls - 607 Richard: (to Lorelai) Impossible girl! Lorelai: My native american name, I believe! gilmore girls - 607 (After the Reverend has warned her not to give her ultimate gift to just anyone.) Rory: That ultimate-gift ship has sailed a long time ago. Reverned: Oh. Rory: Its probably in Fiji by now. (pause) So, have you seen The Forty-Year -Old Virgin? I think you'd like it. gilmore girls - 607 Luke: (talking about pancakes) You're going to be sick. Lorelai: No. Luke: It's already loaded with chocolate chips...That's candy and your adding whip cream, thats more candy. Lorelai: Got any jelly beans? Luke: Now I'm going to be sick. Lorelai: Oh, and a cherry. gilmore girls - 607 Rory: (wakes up from dream) I just had a dream that Madeline Albright was my mother. gilmore girls - 608 Lorelai: I tried so hard. I have a list of things that he's afraid of on the fridge. And I try to do the right thing. I should not have socialized him at Kirk's doggy day care the other day. I should have taken him to the best doggy day care in the country, even if it was in Seattle. That's where I should have taken him. Luke: He's fine hanging with Kirk. Lorelai: I did this wrong. I did this all wrong! How could I have let this happen? How did I not see it coming? How didn't I step in and do something? And why can't I fix these things? Luke: (rubbing her neck) Hey. Lorelai: I'm a bad mother! Luke: You're not a bad mother. gilmore girls - 608 Soccer Girl: She went one way, and her knee went the other! gilmore girls - 608 Logan: Well, you have got to be free tonight, my dear. 'Cuz I am getting the group together for a blow out. Do not tell me your working. Rory: I can make some time for you. (sees Emily) Oops...evasive maneuver. Logan: What? Rory: My grandmother. Logan: She coming at you with a knife or something? Rory: it's one thing to be forced to live in the big house, but now the big house is feeling Tom Thumb tiny. My grandmother is everywhere. Logan: The older generation. They have their own methods of ubiquity. Rory: I'm positive that they are at least five of her wandering around the property like she's a Cylon. gilmore girls - 608 (While discussing Logan's newest business trip with his Dad) Rory: So where is he dragging you this time? Logan: A paper in Omaha. What state is that in again? Rory: Nebraska. Logan: Uh...corn, farm Rory: Oh, and they love condescension in Nebraska, too, so hit them with that as soon as you disembark. gilmore girls - 608 Lorelai: (to Paul Anka, after he "picks" colours for her) You've got the Queer Eye, my friend. gilmore girls - 608 Lorelai: Why? Did I say I didn't like red? Luke: I think your exact words where "Better dead than red". Lorelai: 'Cause I'm liking red now. gilmore girls - 608 Lorelai: (about Paul Anka) He's very anal when he misbehaves. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: [on the phone] Yes, hello. Rory: Mom? Lorelai: Rory! Rory: I got a job! Lorelai: What? Where? Rory: At the Stamford Eagle-Gazette! It pays less than I'll spend on gas to get there, but it's a job! A writing job! Lorelai: Yes! Rory: And I'm going back to Yale! I already called them and talked to my dean and it's all arranged. I just have to find someplace to live, but who cares? I'll figure it out! Lorelai: And this is what you want? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Are you sure? Rory: Yes. Lorelai: Oh, Rory! Rory: I moved out of Grandma's house. Lorelai: Yeah, I know, I heard! Rory: Are you home? Lorelai: Oh, no, I'm not, I - Rory: Okay, I know you're home, but, can I come over? Lorelai: Yes, yes, come over! Rory: 'Cause I'm staying at Lane's, and I don't know if you want me to, but - Lorelai: Tell Lane you're moving out and get your butt over here right now! Rory: Well, okay, if you insist. [Rory pulls into the driveway. Lorelai looks out the window and sees her car.] Lorelai: Oh my God. Rory: What? Lorelai: You look just so much more silver than I remember! Rory: Now come on! Is it too much to expect after a lengthy separation to get some sort of heartfelt greeting? [Lorelai runs out the front door as Rory get out of her car. They run toward each other and hug.] Rory: Oh, I'm sorry! Lorelai: You're sorry, I'm sorry. Rory: I was so mixed up. Lorelai: I should have pulled you out of there. Rory: I was stupid! Lorelai: No, I was stupid! Rory: I was more stupid! Lorelai: Uh, boy, time to get you back to Yale! Rory: I love you, Mom. Lorelai: Oh, kid, you have no idea. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: I am happy. I'm just sad at the same time. What, you've never been with a woman before? gilmore girls - 609 Emily: I'm in the cockpit! Lorelai: Oh, add that to the list of things I never thought I'd hear my mother say. gilmore girls - 609 Sookie: People in Kansas talk funny! gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: <(about the flames) No, he blows them out with his man-breath. Sookie: And then he challenges them to an arm-wrestling contest. Lorelai: And then he insults the flame's mother and then sleeps with his girlfriend. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: (to Luke on Rory's return) Don't skimp on the fries. We don't want to lose her again. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: (to Luke) Rory's back! She's going back to Yale and she has a writing job. We're going to pull an all-nighter. We need tons of food! Doughnuts...oh do you have anymore of those burgers? I'm so excited. I gotta go! gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: (throws a ball for her dog) Hey, Paul Anka. Ah, that's it. Let it have a head start. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: More books. Michel: What is it wrong with people? Don't they know the written word is dead? gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: (to Luke while sitting on his lap) I want a Barbie, and a pony and roller skates, and some roller skates for the Barbie and for the pony... gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: (to Luke as he walks away) Enjoy Wisteria Lane, you major drama queen! gilmore girls - 609 Jackson: Did I miss something? Sookie: Always, honey. gilmore girls - 609 Sookie: (about Luke's grandmother's bedroom furniture) Maybe if you stripped the wood? Lorelai: Lit a match. Sookie: Maybe throw on a little gasoline. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: Nice of you to let her crash on your couch. Lane: She's small, how much room can she take? Lorelai: Did she bring her books? Lane: Good point. gilmore girls - 609 Richard (when he sees Colin & Finn in his house) Who the hell are you? Finn: If I knew that, I could dismiss my therapist. gilmore girls - 609 Lorelai: Luke, there's a chain on my door. (to herself) That's funny because I don't have a chain on my door. gilmore girls - 610 Rory: You never had to live there. Lorelai: Hello! Oppressed one, class of '85. gilmore girls - 610 Rory: They never invited their priest over to try to talk you out of having sex. Lorelai: Five times! And on the last one they triple teamed me with a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Mormon Missionary. I made so many jokes that night I should have had a microphone and a brick wall behind me. gilmore girls - 610 Michel: (excitedly) Rory! Rory: Wow, hi Michel. Michel: (normal voice, bit ashamed) Hi. Lorelai: (to Rory) That was weird. Michel: She just surprised me, that's all. gilmore girls - 610 Christohper: So, can I ask you something? Lorelai: Sure. Christopher: It involves the "E" word and the "R" word. Lorelai: Oh please, let's not talk about Evolution & Recycling, they're just too hot button. gilmore girls - 610 Christopher: You're too un-materialistic. I've always thought that. Lorelai: If it makes you feel better, I'll talk to Rory. See if she wants a brewery or a Bentley. Christopher: A castle, don't forget the castle. Lorelai: I'll mention the castle. Christopher: It doesn't have to be in Germany, Ireland, Scotland, Czech Republic. It could be in Narnia. gilmore girls - 610 Christopher: Pay off something -- your house, your bookie, any outstanding bills, Yale, something, some back taxes. Lorelai: I don't owe any back taxes. Christopher: Oh right, that's me. gilmore girls - 610 Christohper: Let me buy you something, a castle in Ireland, a Civil War cannon, a brewery. Yeah, a brewery, that'd be cool. You could brew your own beer. Lorelai: You know, I had my own brewery for a while, but I hate the smell of hops. gilmore girls - 610 Christopher: I set Gigi up with funds for private nursery school, prep school and college and grad school and post grad school and Ph.D. school and a wedding and a divorce if she wants it and another wedding, or she can buy a bunch of cats and a life time supply of Twizzlers and popcorn if that's her choice but she's all set. And now I want to take care of you - you and Rory. gilmore girls - 610 Christopher: Long story short, I'm rich. Lorelai: You're rich! Christopher: Ridiculously. I mean I'm not Bill Gates, by a long shot. But I've got money. gilmore girls - 610 Lorelai: She took a little time off Yale. Christopher: And the apocalypse is when, this week, next week? gilmore girls - 610 Sookie: What if what I'm wishing for is actually coming true? Lorelai: Quick, wish for a Sephora within walking distance! gilmore girls - 610 Lane: (to Lorelai and Rory) Mother and daughter are together again. All is right with the world. gilmore girls - 610 Lorelai: (to Luke) Ladies & gentlemen, Rory Gilmore! Rory: Hi there! Luke: Rory you're back, you look good! Healthy and happy, here with your mother, both of you here. That's great, yay! I don't think I've ever said 'yay' before. Sounded weird. Lorelai: A little. gilmore girls - 610 Zack: (stroking a guitar) I still have my eye on this. Sophie: Just don't put your hands on it! gilmore girls - 610 Paris: Hi Rory. Rory: Who is this? Paris: Wow. You don't even recognize the sound of your best friend's voice anymore. Rory: Paris! Im coming back to Yale! Paris: Of course you are. What would you do without an education? Drive a forklift? gilmore girls - 610 Lorelai: (to Rory) Hey! Make a noise, so I don't think you pulled an Elvis. gilmore girls - 611 Rory: (to Paul Anka) If you squint really hard she kinda looks like me. gilmore girls - 611 Luke, So, who'd you end up seeing? Lorelai: It came down to Journey without their original lead singer, INXS without their original lead singer, Queen without their original lead singer, The Supremes without Diana, and weirdly, The James Brown Band without James Brown. gilmore girls - 611 Lorelai: Oh my God, Look who's back. Rory, Well, I believe it's those adorable Gilmore Girls. Lorelai: My, how we have missed them. Rory: I hear they're different now. A little sad. Lorelai: A little broke. gilmore girls - 611 Lorelai: Let's call Daddy. Make him pay for an apartment with one lock! Rory: No, this is the way it's supposed to be, Don't you see? I'm supposed to live in a crappy apartment. I'm supposed to eat ramen noodles and mac and cheese for months! gilmore girls - 611 Lorelai: I'm so sorry you're a nut. Rory: That's OK, I'm sure Dr. Shapiro has a nice padded room for me. gilmore girls - 611 (On the phone.) Rory: Guess who's crazy? Lorelai: Who? Rory: Me. gilmore girls - 611 Dr. Shapiro: You seem very agitated. Rory: I'm not agitated. So I spent a night in jail. So did Martin Luther King. Dr. Shapiro: Are you comparing yourself with Martin Luther King? gilmore girls - 611 Dr. Shapiro: You spent a night in jail. How did that feel? Rory: (annoyed) Great! gilmore girls - 611 (Paris is in the middle of lecturing Logan when he leans back in his seat to look into the outer office at Rory's desk) Paris: Hey, either spin a plate on your nose while you do that or cut it out, cause I am speaking. Logan: Sorry. Paris: Oh, you will be. Now, let's talk about deadlines. Emphasis on 'dead'. gilmore girls - 611 Anna: I knew how you felt about kids. You hate kids. We couldn't go to the movies before 10 o'clock at night, in case there were kids in the theatre. We would move tables in restaurants if they seated us next to a family. You would freak out if you saw a woman breastfeeding in public, you couldn't stand to watch diaper commercials and you had an unnatural hatred of Macauley Culkin. gilmore girls - 611 Lorelai: Oh my God! Oh my God! Luke: What? Lorelai: It started snowing, it started snowing, right when I started talking about signs. That, my friend, is a sign. gilmore girls - 611 (Kirk gets up and goes behind Luke's counter gets the pot of coffee, walks back to his seat pours himself coffee and returns the pot.) Luke: What in the hell do you think you're doing? Kirk: Getting myself some coffee. Luke: You went behind my counter. Kirk: I saw Lorelai do it the other day. Luke: Lorelai's my fiancee. Kirk: So, only people you're sleeping with, are allowed behind the counter? Luke: Yes. Kirk: Well, I don't really know you that well Luke, I mean I know what you do for a living and I know you're a Scorpio and you smell okay. But we've never really connected on a deeper level. Luke: Get out from behind my counter Kirk! Kirk: Well now its a definite "no". gilmore girls - 611 Sookie: So, what are your thoughts on the wedding? Lorelai: It should be legal. gilmore girls - 611 Sookie: Any thoughts on the dress? Lorelai: There should be one. gilmore girls - 611 (Paris gives a speech to journalists in the Yale newsroom) Paris: Please remember that I am your editor. I am not your mother or your hugger. If you need some love, get a hooker. If you're having a bad day, find a ledge or a way to deal. My door is not open to you, ever. You have five minutes to enjoy your cookies. Welcome to the Yale Daily News. gilmore girls - 611 Rory: (starting to cry when she starts talking about Logan) I stole a boat with him! I never stole a boat with Dean! Dr. Shapiro: Who's Dean? Rory: My married ex-boyfriend who I lost my virginity to! Dr. Shapiro: Wow. Rory: I'm a treat. I-I don't know what I'm going to do! I can't take running him into him everyday, the paper, the hallways, coffee cart. Oh my God! I'm going to have to stop drinking coffee! And I love coffee! (starts to cry harder) I really love coffee! (Dr. Shapiro hands her a box of kleenex.) gilmore girls - 611 Lorelai: (to Rory) I'm going to miss you when you're murderd and stuffed into a dumpster by the doo-wop group. gilmore girls - 612 (Arriving at the very early town meeting and extremely cranky) Luke: Ring bells and we drool like dogs. gilmore girls - 612 Zach: I've lost my girlfriend, my band's broken up, my best friend won't speak to me and I'm reduced to working as a $5 an hour carny. Bob Dylan should write a song about me. gilmore girls - 612 Taylor: I'm back. I got lucky last night and caught a plane out of Maine. Lorelai: Even with the rain in Spain? gilmore girls - 612 Anna: Kiddo, is that the TV? April: Yes. Anna: You watching something stupid? April: Yes. Anna: You promise? April: Yes. gilmore girls - 612 Luke: (pouring coffee) Here... here... here... Customer: This was tea. Luke: Now you've got a hybrid, that's very in right now. gilmore girls - 612 Logan: I think I get it from my dad. Lorelai: I hate your dad. Logan: Yeah, me too. gilmore girls - 612 Taylor: Well, I should go. Lorelai: Back to 8 Mile? gilmore girls - 612 Lorelai: (about Paul Anka) He is liking his hat. Rory: Well it's flattering. gilmore girls - 612 Lorelai: (about Paul Anka) There is nothing more distracting then a dog in a turban. gilmore girls - 612 Rory: I don't need a number, you know who I am.... And besides, I'm the only Rory. Paris: (slightly agitated) I told you, I can't show preferential treatment. I don't need a hat, I'm number 1, and if you can't remember the number 1, you shouldn't be here. Rory: (starts to whisper) Can I talk to you in private? Paris: (shouts) Alright! Everyone? If you're looking for number 1 or 2, we'll be out in the hall! gilmore girls - 613 Lorelai: Luke has a kid. Sookie: What... Like a goat? gilmore girls - 613 Bill: She's out of control. She's a mad dictator. She's the kind of dictator that they don't just like to kill. She's the kind they like to drag through the streets and hang from a lightpost for a month and a half. gilmore girls - 613 Rory: Maybe people don't want to reuse a paper cup. Paris: Well, then hopefully people who don't want to reuse a paper cup won't mind buying SPF 5000 for their grandkids, when the rainforest is gone, and the ozone layer is a doily, and the human race is bursting into flames. gilmore girls - 613 Paris: The research is sloppy, the sources are unreliable, the font is wrong, the paper feels thin and the by-line should read "Story by a petulant 2-year old who had one too many black and tans last night and so this is what people get to read." FIX IT! gilmore girls - 613 Rory: Hey Mom. Lorelai: Oh, you got your study voice. Rory: Yep, it goes with my pop-quiz walk and term paper face. gilmore girls - 613 (Lorelai expains how to put Paul Anka on a leash) Sookie: What are you doing? Lorelai: Er, he freaks out if he sees his leash, you have to make sure you hide it from him and make sure he doesn't see you putting it on him. Sookie: How is he when he's on the leash? Lorelai: Oh, he's totally fine having his personal freedom slowly stripped away as long as he's unaware that it's happening, just like a true American. gilmore girls - 613 (As Rory tries to get the paper out even though the time limit is up) Logan: But before you do, if you could spell your name for me? I wanna have the correct pronunciation when I speak with my father. Uh-uh, Russell. Damn, my pen broke. Hold on, I'm looking for a pen. (Some newspaper staff members offer him pens and pencils, but Logan shakes his head, obviously not really wanting a pen)Looking for a pen...looking for a pen.(his voice is getting slightly higher, he's stalling, biding his time, Rory's finishing up...) Okay, I found a pen. Here you go. What's your name? Russell Smith. Okay, I didn't really need a pen for that one now, did I? (chuckles) gilmore girls - 613 Emily: You know what's funny? Lorelai: Reno 911? gilmore girls - 614 Christopher: (in Logan's apartment) Is that an Xbox 360? I am totally moving in here. gilmore girls - 614 Rory: My books look sad. Can books look sad? gilmore girls - 614 Lorelai: What are you doing in there? Rory: Facial exercises, the younger I look the younger you look. Lorelai: Good point. gilmore girls - 614 Luke: Your parents aren't warm people. Lorelai: They were extras in March of the Penguins. gilmore girls - 614 Lorelai: No! This is ridiculous! This is what Gilmores do, they get in your freakin' head and they mess with it! Luke: Oh, they are good at that. gilmore girls - 614 Paris: If the hurricanes don't kill you, the bird flu will. gilmore girls - 614 Rory: I don't believe it. Christopher: What? Rory: Did you not see those two girls? Christopher: No, why? Rory: They totally checked you out. Christopher: They did? Hehe, cool! Rory: It's the same way with mom, I swear. I hate having hot parents! gilmore girls - 615 Lorelai: And you've got room and all, me and Luke plus five? Rory: Plus five? Lorelai: Well, I'm not coming without Boozo and the boys! gilmore girls - 615 Bill: Professor Wallace wants a correction to the interview we printed with him. He wants to clarify that he in fact referred to his departments problems with the advisory board as a quote, us-and them thing, unquote. Rory: What did we print? Bill: S and M thing. gilmore girls - 615 Lorelai: What is it about cucumber water that makes it so much more refreshing than non-cucumber water? Rory: I think it's the cucumbers. gilmore girls - 615 (as they enter Luke and Lorelai's guest room) Rory: We call it the king and queen suite. Lorelai: Why? Rory: Because you're our honoured guests and I just named it that a second ago. gilmore girls - 615 Luke: You know I love you right? Lorelai: I really need to hear that once in a while! Luke: I love you and I'm going to marry you, and at our wedding, we are having lobster. gilmore girls - 615 Lorelai: Luke says Valentine's Day is just another one of those fake things, like Mother's Day, created by greeting card companies, and it is. Sookie: Actually it's not. It goes back like 2,000 years. Lorelai: Oh. Well then, it must have been a greeting card company in Roman times. You know, the one that came up with Gladiator's Day. gilmore girls - 616 Lorelai: Candyship Battleland! War never tasted so good. gilmore girls - 616 Zach: I get up in the morning and I don't feel good. I go to work and I don't feel good. I'm home and I don't feel good. I brush my teeth and I don't feel good. Then I go to bed and I don't feel good. Then I wake up and...I don't feel good. And then I go to work and I don't feel good - Babette: You don't feel good! We get it! Go on! gilmore girls - 616 (The proud parents watching Rory at Collegiate Panel.) Lorelai: We created her. Christopher: Out of thin air. gilmore girls - 617 Luke: You know I have never seen the Liberty Bell? Lorelai: Communist! gilmore girls - 617 Paris: (Concerning the editorship argument between her and Rory) Forget it. I mean, who are we kidding? I am not cut out to deal with people. I was made to be in a lab or operating room or a bunker somewhere with a well-behaved monkey by my side. gilmore girls - 617 Rory: Your parents are exhausting. Lorelai: Not as much as your grandparents. gilmore girls - 617 Emily: I could have recommended a real professional. Lorelai: Well since I used a fake professional I got to pay in monopoly money. gilmore girls - 617 Lorelai: So, this is a nice suprise. Rory: What -- Lane? Lorelai: No, you showing up. I didn't expect to it, you being a modern busy woman and all. Rory: Well, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. gilmore girls - 618 April: Hey Luke! Luke: Yah? April: Some people in here are wondering who you are. Luke: Oh well, go ahead and tell them. April: That's Luke. gilmore girls - 618 Luke: What the hell is that? Jess: It's an abstract painting. Luke: But what is it supposed to be? Jess: Check the title. Luke: I did. It's called untitled. Jess: There you go. Luke: I give up. gilmore girls - 618 Kirk: I could run the place if you want, Luke. Luke: Hmm, let me search down to the very depth of my being to see if there's even the slightest inclination that I would want that. Nope. Kirk: Just checking. gilmore girls - 618 Caesar: If the cell dies, is there a phone in Gettysburg I could reach you at? Luke: Yeah, the one Grant used to call Lincoln. The number's in the book. gilmore girls - 618 April: That's Frank. Always rubbing our faces in the fact that he knows the first 300 digits of pi. gilmore girls - 618 Paris: I took a "delete boring answers" pass at my interview with Professor Whittington and ended up with a tidy 16-word piece. His wife must want to suck a tailpipe every night. gilmore girls - 618 Logan: Past performance is no indication of future performance. Rory: Wise men call that a sucker's maxim. gilmore girls - 618 Logan: Is it your life mission to embarrass me at every opportunity you get? Rory: It's Robert, Colin and Finn, Logan. I've seen them all dance naked with their underwear on their heads. There's no embarrassing you in front of them. gilmore girls - 618 Lane: It's every girl's dream. To hear the woman altering her wedding dress say, "I'll remove the pants." Gilmore Girls - 619 (over the phone) Lorelai: Hello? Michel: I just got tickets to Celine Dion. Lorelai: What? Michel: My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Celine Dion and I'm going with her! Lorelai: Well that's great. Michel: I have been waiting for forever to get this close to Celine. Oh my god, I'm shaking like a leaf! What should I wear? What would Celine like me in? Lorelai: I don't know Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up. Michel: Oh no, don't bother, I'm not going to the wedding. Lorelai: What? Why not? Michel: Because I'm going to Celine Dion - hello! What have I been saying to you? Lorelai: No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding! Michel: I'm sorry, I cannot. Lorelai: Well, you've already seen Celine Dion. Michel: Only five times and never in the front row. I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot. Lorelai: Michel you have to go. I need an escort. Michel: Find someone there. That's why single women go to weddings. Lorelai: I am not single! I'm engaged. Michel: Lorelai, I'm sorry. In the future I owe you some kind of favor but tonight you're on your own. Lorelai: Michel - Michel: I must go, I'll bring you a mousepad. Bye-bye. Gilmore Girls - 619 (Picking out purses) Lorelai: Which one says, "Hi, I'm not a whore, enjoy your day"? Rory: The pink one. Gilmore Girls - 619 (Talking about Lorelai bring an escort to the wedding) Mrs. Kim: You have to find someone to bring you, you have to find a man. Lorelai: In one day, are you kidding me? It took me this long to find Luke. Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: Lorelai Gilmore, disappointing mothers since 1968. Gilmore Girls - 619 Kirk: Excuse me Rory. Rory: Yeah Kirk. Kirk: Do you think he's yummy enough? Rory: Who? Kirk: Troy Rory: The bartender? Kirk: Yes, see I brought this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow, but they really have to be yummy, I'm talking mouth watering, tasty morsels of manhood, which by the way was the original name of the business but was taken already by a firm in Woodbridge. Rory: Really. Kirk: Yeah, well when I first met Troy he was the epitome of yummy, but now that I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure. Rory: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it Kirk, I think Troy is plenty yummy. Kirk: You do? Rory: Yeah I really do... can I go now? Kirk: Yes, enjoy your evening. Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: It's a mad house in here. How did you get all these seats together? Miss Patty: Honey, I've been here all night. Sookie: You're kidding. Why? Miss Patty: 58 seats and 62 Koreans? Please. Gilmore Girls - 619 (As they are running through the streets of Stars Hollow) Sookie: Nice day for a wedding. Lorelai: Beautiful. Jackson: Perfect weather. Sookie: Why are we running? Lorelai: 58 seats, 62 Koreans. Sookie (to Jackson): Fight for me, baby! Jackson: I'm on it. Gilmore Girls - 619 (Grandma Kim's taxi drives off) Mrs. Kim: Go! (Everyone starts running, with Lorelai and Christopher caught in the middle) Lorelai: Whoa! What the hell is happening? Are there bulls coming out of there? Christopher: We would have heard the china breaking. Lorelai: My God! Rory: Why aren't you running? Lorelai: Well, why should we be running? Rory: To get to the church. Lorelai: For what? Rory: For the wedding. Christopher: I thought that this was the wedding. Rory: This is the grandmother's wedding. Now we do the mother's wedding. Lorelai: Why do we have to run? Rory: Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans. (Lorelai grabs Christopher's hand and takes off) Lorelai: Oh boy! Go! Gilmore Girls - 619 (Mrs. Kim and Grandma Kim are off-camera, arguing in Korean, during the first wedding ceremony) Lorelai: (sighs) The universal sounds of family. Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: Mrs. Kim, I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father and a man. Christopher: Did that really need clarification? Gilmore Girls - 619 Mrs. Kim: Lane, I have something very upsetting to tell you about. Lane: Oh, what mama? Mrs. Kim: It concerns the wedding night. Lane: Oh, boy. Mrs. Kim: Yes, oh boy. Marriage is a job Lane. There are rewards that come with this job but there are also sacrifices. There are things you are going to have to do. Lane: Things? Mrs. Kim: Terrible things. Lane: Mama, you don't have to. Mrs. Kim: You need to hear this. You need to know what to expect. It will start early. Lane: What will? Mrs. Kim: The man's expectations. It starts early, at the wedding actually. At the wedding you are going to have to kiss him. Lane: Mama! Mrs. Kim: Then you will be expected to share a bed tonight and when you are in that bed you have to do it with this boy. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully if you're lucky like me you'll only have to do it once. Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: I talk fast. It's my gift. Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: We are young temporarily single girls on the prowl. There has GOT to be something to do that we could be mortified about tomorrow! Gilmore Girls - 619 Rory: We could go to The Chimny Sweep. Sookie: No, it burned down. Rory: Ironic. Gilmore Girls - 619 Christopher (impressed by all the Buddhist stuff in the Kim house): Is the Dali Lama coming? Lorelai: Yeah, and he's eating chicken. Gilmore Girls - 619 Mrs. Kim (to Lorelai): You need to bring a date to the wedding and Kirk does not count! Gilmore Girls - 619 Lorelai: We're doing shots! Christopher: Yeah for 20 people. You know, I'm a respectable person in the community. I'm a father now. Lorelai: This is how you became one. Christopher: That's true. (They start drinking shots) Gilmore Girls - 620 Lorelai: You know, I met you briefly earlier. You were filling salt and pepper shakers. April: I remember. You were dressed in all black and had really blue eyes, not quite as blue today, but I think that's just the light. Lorelai: These irises are all natural, baby! Gilmore Girls - 620 April: So, you have a daughter, right? Lorelai: Yes. Rory. April: That's good. You'd be, like, totally wasted on a son. Gilmore Girls - 620 Sookie: What is Stars Hollow if not a haven for colorful characters? Gilmore Girls - 620 (Over the phone) Paris: Larry Summers is right, Rory. The university system is crumbling. Did you know that? Rory: Paris - Paris: I just found out that my microbiology final is an open-book exam. Can you believe that? I mean, why take the test at all? Why not just have our professors take it for us? Or better yet, they could just hand us our diplomas the moment we step on campus freshman year, along with some government cheese, a bong, and a T-shirt that says "Hard work is for suckers". Gilmore Girls - 620 Lorelai: So now, what did I do in front of the camera? Sookie: Well, when you spotted the videographer you got suddenly very excited to film your audition tape for America's Next Top Model. Lorelai: Oh my god! Sookie: Yeah. Lorelai: I thought that was a dream! Sookie: It wasn't. Lorelai: The posing, the strutting, the inappropriate gyrating? Sookie: All caught on video and several of Zach's buddies' camera phones. Lorelai: Why didn't you stop me? Sookie: I tried, we all tried, but you were on a mission. You kept saying, "I'm not here to make friends! I want to win!" And then after that... Lorelai: There's an "after that"? Sookie: You tried to start a limbo contest, a poker game, and a secret club for super cool party people only. None of those things really, you know, took off, especially the limbo considering your choice of limbo stick was Together: Zach's great-uncle's cane. Gilmore Girls - 620 Lorelai: All right, girls. Um, you're about to meet someone very special to me. Her name is Molly Ringwald. Now, I know you don't know who that is, but suffice it to say, she is my generation's Audrey Hepburn. And I know you don't know who that is either, but trust me, you're gonna love her. And yes, that is the guy from "Two and a Half Men." All right, enjoy. (Kirk starts the projection of the movie, "Pretty in Pink") Gilmore Girls - 620 Lorelai: All right, everybody! Line up single-file behind us. April: Oh, we already went to the bathroom. Lorelai: Oh, I know. This is going to be so much better. Gilmore Girls - 620 Luke: What can I get you, Kirk? Kirk: 'How about a steaming cup of chicory coffee?' Luke: It's not on the menu, Kirk. Kirk: I know. It's on the sign. (Kirk points to a sign reading "How about a steaming cup of chicory coffee?" behind Luke's head. Luke turns and finds it) Luke: That's a mistake. (Luke quickly takes the sign down) Kirk: Well, now all I can think about is chicory coffee. I'm very susceptible to signage. Luke: Well, come back when you're susceptible to ordering off the menu. (Luke walks back over towards Lorelai) Luke: You want anything? (Looking behind Luke's head at ANOTHER informative sign) Lorelai: 'How about a nice plate of chicken fingers?' Gilmore Girls - 620 (Lorelai walks into the diner) Luke: Thank God! Someone sane. Gilmore Girls - 620 Luke: Where's the stuff? Lorelai: What stuff? Luke: The party stuff. Lorelai: Oh my God I left the circus elephants in my car and I didn't crack a window. Gilmore Girls - 620 Sookie: Super Cool Party People bid you Super Cool Adieu! Lorelai: What? Gilmore Girls - 620 Lorelai: You didn't plan any activities? It's a birthday party, Luke: I thought that was the activity. Gilmore Girls - 621 Rory: (pushing Logan in a wheelchair) We get to go at my speed. Logan: Wake me when we get to the door. Gilmore Girls - 621 Luke: (to the single moms group) So, can I get you ladies anything? Some compassion, some perspective? Gilmore Girls - 621 Lorelai: What's that smell? Sookie: 68 pounds of marijuana. Lorelai: Mhm. Gilmore Girls - 621 Richard: The Rory Gilmore Medical Center. Lorelai: For the really handsome doctors. Gilmore Girls - 621 (talking to Emily) Richard: Personally, I like you with glasses. Lorelai: It's that whole dirty librarian thing, huh Dad. Gilmore Girls - 621 Sookie: Jackson, why do you smell like marijuana? Jackson: You know that back half acre that I haven't planted for a few years? Up on the slope, out of sight, out of mind. Well, I went back there this morning and it's a giant field of pot! Every square inch, hundreds of plants, it looks like Harrison Ford's backyard! Gilmore Girls - 621 Luke: What can I get you Kirk? Kirk: What do you think? Luke: About what? Kirk: Letting the beard grow. Luke: Nice, what can I get you? Kirk: First couple of days it was itching like crazy but now I'm used to it. Although I find myself doing this a lot. (Stroking his jaw) Luke: What do you want to eat Kirk? Kirk: Last week I accidentally wrote all over my face with a sharpie and Lulu thought it looked kind of sexy, that's were I got the idea. Luke: Looks really good Kirk. Now can I take your order? Kirk: Hmmm. (Stroking his Jaw again) Luke: I'll come back. Gilmore Girls - 621 Doyle: (to Logan) Mi shoulder es su shoulder. Gilmore Girls - 621 Liz: It's okay, it's a good surprise. It's only not a good surprise if you don't like babies. Luke: You're pregnant?! Liz: Who told you? Luke: You just did. Liz: Oh, I ruined my own surprise. Gilmore Girls - 621 Richard: Have you ever been to South Dakota its the most boring state in the nation. As I was flying in I swear I saw one of the heads on Mount Rushmore yawn. Gilmore Girls - 621 Emily: Oh, Richard, he just was saying the man is handsome. Richard: Yes, as if it's a selling point. Lorelai: It can be. Richard: Hardly, everyone knows ugly men make the best doctors. Emily: That's absurd. Richard: It's a fact. Emily: Marcus Welby was handsome and George Clooney. Lorelai: Fake doctors, Mom. Emily: Well, I'm sure they were modeled after real doctors. Richard: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Lorelai: He's jealous of Dr. Handsome. Gilmore Girls - 621 (While watching "March of the Penguins") Doyle: I cannot look at the shot of the dead baby penguin. Paris: Me neither. Dead people, yes. Not penguins. Gilmore Girls - 621 (Emily is demanding that Lorelai come over to help her with errands after her eye surgery) Lorelai: And there's no one else? Emily: I don't remember being in labor for 14 hours with anyone else, so, no, there's no one else. Gilmore Girls - 621 (Emily, with sunglasses on, is lying on the couch in darkness, where Lorelai finds her) Lorelai: Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Onassis, I was looking for my mother. Emily: Will you at least promise to keep your comedy set at my funeral to under five minutes? Gilmore Girls - 621 (TJ is explaining to Luke what happened with Liz before she threw him out) TJ: I tell her she's wrong. I tell her I'll do whatever's needed. I'll read every book on the subject, even though I hate reading worse than I hate public television. Gilmore Girls - 621 (Luke pulls Liz away from a group of sour-looking women sitting in the diner) Luke: Uh, who are they? Liz: They're the support group of single moms I hooked up with. They're horrible! All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch. I'd have left every one of them, too. Gilmore Girls - 621 (Sookie and Jackson are out late and running around the town square, while carrying their bags of marijuana, trying to get rid of it.) Sookie: Ah, hello, Reverend Skinner! Jackson: Rabbi Barans! Rev. Skinner: Hello, you two. Jackson: What are you doing out this late? Sookie: Yeah, what are you doing out this late? Rabbi Barans: Archie and I like to take a stroll around town at night. Rev. Skinner: It's so quiet. Rabbi Barans: Good time to talk about philosophy. Rev. Skinner: Good time to talk about God. Jackson: Yes, it's a great time to talk about God. Sookie: He's a good guy that God. Rabbi Barans: Would you like to join us? Sookie and Jackson: No! (Sookie and Jackson take off running with their bags) Sookie: We're going to hell! Jackson: Just keep running! Gilmore Girls - 622 Richard: It's your building, so why not? Rory: Because the lettering would be thirty feet high. Lorelai: Well honey it's the astronomy building, you have to be able to see it from space Gilmore Girls - 622 Emily: Relax Rory. (to Richard) She's so modest Lorelai: Relax Rory. Remember when you wanted a personalized license plate? (motions to building) So much better. Gilmore Girls - 622 Emily: Gerta, did I fire you? Gerta: No, Ma'am. Emily: Really? Everything is off tonight. Gilmore Girls - 622 Lorelai: What is the disease called when you are afraid of spiders? Caroline: Arachnophobia. Lorelai: Is there a disease for being scared of a person who is scared of spiders? Caroline: No, I don't think there is a scientific name for it. Lorelai: How about Arachnophobia-phobia? Gilmore Girls - 622 Lorelai: No, I'm not waiting. It's now or never! Luke: I don't like ultimatums. Lorelai: I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately, they come around eventually. Gilmore Girls - 622 Rory: If you can't be happy at least you can be drunk.