NewsRadio Dave: Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year. Lisa: Seven hundred and fifty. Dave: One. NewsRadio [after Matthew gets a "promotion."] Bill: Is Matthews superior to me? Dave: Genetically or in this office? Bill: In this office? Dave: No. Bill: Ok... how about genetically? Dave: He is ambidextrous. Bill: Freak. NewsRadio Lisa: What about that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting who had that crush on you? Dave: Oh, that was completely different. Lisa: Why? Dave: Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he thought I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband. Lisa: Well, it was still flattering, wasn't it? Dave: Oh, lord yes. NewsRadio Dave: Look, it's only a birthday present. It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year. NewsRadio Lisa: I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I? Dave: I think you should keep in mind that you're asking an ex-boyfriend. Lisa: No, I'm not. I'm asking an employee. Dave: Well, then no. NewsRadio Bill: Sing it PRETTY. Like me. Beth: My mother always told me I had a pretty voice. Bill: Well my mother dressed me up like a girl until I was nine. They make mistakes. NewsRadio Beth: Dave, why don't you just give me the big bonus? I'll get you a cup of coffee...? Dave: Alright. You've got a deal. Beth: Dave, you called my bluff. NewsRadio Jimmy: No they are NOT fine. I've spent years cultivating the worst table manners on the planet. Dave: Excuse me? Jimmy: You don't get it, do you? Dave: No, but... you know, I've grown accustomed to that. Jimmy: It's an old business ploy. You intimidate the guy you're dealing with by eating like a slob. Dave: And... that's effective? Jimmy: Oh hell yes. I've cut millions off of deals by eating baked beans with my HANDS. NewsRadio Joe: Dave, why don't you just ask Mr. James to buy him a car, too? Dave: No. No, I can't. Lisa: Why not? Dave: Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh. NewsRadio Lisa: If everyone thought you should jump off a bridge, would you? Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd probably just get together and push me. NewsRadio [Lisa bursts into Dave's office] Lisa: Dave, have you ever taken nude photos of yourself? [Long pause] Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. NewsRadio Dave: Hey I have an idea. I'll give up coffee, if you give up cigarettes. Huh? We'll go through this together. Bill: But you should have to give up something of equal difficulty. Like going to the bathroom. NewsRadio [Explaining a budget crisis] Jimmy: I cried because I had no desk, until I met a man with no feet, and the no feet guy told me there was this thing called a budget, and WNYX was way over it. NewsRadio Dave: Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him." NewsRadio Bill: You see, it's like the old saying, "Everybody loves a cane." Dave: No, Bill. I think the old saying is "Everybody loves a clown." Which is what you look like with that thing. NewsRadio Jimmy: I wanted a house just like Xanadu, but without a dorky name. Lisa: So what did you call it? Jimmy: Fort Awesome. NewsRadio Bill: The eyes are the windows to the skull. Dave: "Soul". Bill: For those who have one, yes. NewsRadio Dave: Is your own life so boring that you have to obsess about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of? Bill: Yes. NewsRadio [Bill has returned from an overnight stay in the hospital] Jimmy: Hey there. How you feeling? Bill: Good, thanks. Jimmy: Feel like suing the station? Bill: No. Jimmy: Good... I gotta go. NewsRadio Bill: Let me tell you what I told my brother last Thanksgiving: give me my money back. NewsRadio Bill: What's so interesting about radio? Dave: I think radio is a fascinating medium. Bill: You're from Wisconsin. You think artificial lighting is fascinating. NewsRadio Jimmy: Just remember, Dave, let it out... Dave: Or sweat it out. Yes, I know, sir. I just love advice that rhymes. NewsRadio Dave: You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him on the air. Bill: Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered? Dave: That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered. Bill: Don't confuse me with the facts. NewsRadio [Talking about his vacation in Japan] Matthew: You would've loved it, David. A week in a foreign country, strange people, strange customs... Dave: Oh, I know what you mean. I've been to Canada. NewsRadio Jimmy: I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants. NewsRadio [Dave and Lisa are forced to campaign for a job neither wants] Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates. Dave: I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail. Bill: Gooood answer. NewsRadio Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care. NewsRadio Dave: When Bill and Lisa combine their energies, their powers of persuasion go up fivefold. Jimmy: Well, Dave... really, I appreciate your Dungeons and Dragons approach to office management, but I left my twelve-sided dice at home so I'll, uh, I'll just tell 'em, alright? Dave: Alright. God speed, fair wizard. NewsRadio [Teaching Beth to negotiate] Jimmy: [slamming shoe on table] I WILL BURY YOU. [Beth jumps] Beth: What was that? Jimmy: Standard opening move. Your turn. NewsRadio Joe: You can't take something off the Internet. It's like taking pee out of a swimming pool. NewsRadio [Dave, dressed as a woman for Halloween, looks better than Lisa] Lisa: How do you think this makes me feel? Dave: Well, how do you think it makes *me* feel to realize at 30 that I'm much better-looking as a girl? NewsRadio Bill: It smells like an ashtray when I pee. Is there anything you can do to help with that? Dave: Gosh, I hope not. NewsRadio Lisa: Alright, look I did not ask for the stupid award. Beth: If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on. Lisa: I am not entirely uncute. I... I... Why are you being nasty about this? Beth: I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute, I don't think so. Lisa: Well I wasn't aware there was a difference. Beth: Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me. Lisa: Uh huh. What is beautiful? Beth: Beautiful means pretty and tall. Lisa: Gorgeous? Beth: Pretty with great hair. Lisa: Striking? Beth: Pretty with a big nose. Lisa: OK, you're making this up. Beth: That's ridiculous, why would I make it up? Lisa: Voluptuous? Beth: Pretty and fat. Lisa: Sexy? Beth: Pretty and easy. Lisa: Exotic? Beth: Ugly NewsRadio Beth: Do you know what she's like? She's like a slutty version of the singing frog in that cartoon. You know, Hello my honey, hello my baby- Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Here comes Dave... Ribbit. Lisa: So, Beth? Does this singing frog ever tell you to do things? NewsRadio Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say, "I never liked you, get lost." NewsRadio [Dave is sitting at his desk] Bill: Prepare to be knocked on your ass. Dave: Aw damn, I'm already on my ass. Why don't you try me again later? Bill: You know I will. NewsRadio Dave: It's just lunch, you and I go out to lunch all the time. Lisa: Yeah at my apartment... and we don't even eat. Dave: Well, at least were staying trim. NewsRadio Dave: I just didn't realize the Patch had side effects. Bill: And I didn't know you're only supposed to wear one at a time. Dave: [surprised] How many did you have on, Bill? Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. Had 'em going around my waist like a little belt. NewsRadio Jimmy: I support fire safety. But you see those sprinklers up there? They're not hooked up to anything. I paid a guy off and had my nephew come in and super-glue them to the ceiling. New York, New York it's a hell of a town. NewsRadio Jimmy: You know I thank God everyday that we're not a TV station. NewsRadio Jimmy: I love the smell of a negotiating room in the morning. Smells like... Dave: Victory? Jimmy: What? NewsRadio Lisa: They're not going to fire everyone. They'll probably just... hold us all to our contracts and change the format to Soft Rock of the Seventies until we get so sick of hearing "Afternoon Delight" that we kill ourselves and they hire new people to fill our Dave: That imagination of yours is an absolute curse. Lisa: Yeah... my parents didn't let me watch television. NewsRadio Joe: All I know is I'm not going to get fired. Catherine: Why not? Joe: Because of this. [Joe holds up a small electrical component] Beth: What's it do? Joe: I don't know. But I took it out of the radio transmitter, and only I know where to put it back. Dave: Are we still on the air? Joe: Not in Jersey. NewsRadio Bill: [singing to the tune of Yankee Doddle] William Clinton came to town, riding on inflation. Took a town named Whitewater, introduced it to our nation. NewsRadio Jimmy: Woa, I have a idea, shredding the instruction book for the shredder, talk about your mind blowing irony. Beth: Ooo good idea. [Drops manual in shredder] Jimmy: Okay, that lost its enjoyment, now how do you adjust the speed on this thing? NewsRadio Dave: I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from "Blade Runner." Mr. James, the millionaire, who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert. Half of that is Monopoly money. (Matthew is hiding under a desk) And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the law into his own hands. NewsRadio Jimmy: James James, the man so nice they named him twice. NewsRadio Jimmy: I have a solution about the Jimmy James Towers, we'll build them in London. Beth: Both wouldn't the tower destroy London like it would have destroyed New York. [Lisa and Mr. James laughing] Lisa: Who gives a damn about London. [Lisa and Mr. James high-five] NewsRadio Jimmy: Lost a satellite on liftoff today. Dave: Cost? Jimmy: 10 million dollars. Dave: Result? Jimmy: Extreme set back. Dave: Milk? Jimmy: Spilled. Dave: Gonna cry about it? Jimmy: Not even. Dave: I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Jimmy: That's gotta hurt. Dave: Well, life's a bitch... Jimmy: ...And then you die. Dave: My... Jimmy: ...oh... Dave: NewsRadio [Bill reading contract] Bill: Loss of job can be a result of termination, merger, or act of God. It doesn't say anything about poker. Jimmy: Read your "Act of God" clause. Bill: Mr. James should, and for the sole purpose of this contract only, be refer to as God. NewsRadio [Bill finds out Mr. James lost him in a poker game] Bill: You can't bet me in a poker game. Jimmy: I'm afraid I can, check your contract. [Bill pulls out his contract] Dave: You carry around your contract? Bill: At times like these, it doesn't sound so ridiculous, now does it? NewsRadio [Lisa walks by Bill with only a bra on. Bill doesn't react, but Lisa slaps him anyways] Bill: I didn't say anything? Lisa: You were thinking it. Bill: Fair enough. NewsRadio [after a therapist admits he's a sex addict] Dave: I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as gettin' a lot? NewsRadio Bill: Where you're from, the biggest news story is that a cow got loose in the city. Dave: I'm from Milwaukee, which has a population of about a million people. Bill: So it must have been some hub-bub when that cow got loose. NewsRadio Max: [Max finds out about Dave and Lisa's previous relationship, and Joe put a webcam in the break room] Who needs the Internet? I got sex right here. NewsRadio Jimmy: Dave, I don't know if you've noticed this, but most of the stuff I do is weirder than hell. NewsRadio Jimmy: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married? Melanie Sanders: Well, I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach. Jimmy: Well, I'm a businessman at heart. Melanie Sanders: As am I. What's your offer? Jimmy: Single rich male seeks matrimony. Melanie Sanders: Primary residence? Jimmy: Westchester County. Melanie Sanders: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhattan? Jimmy: Central Park West? Melanie Sanders: South. Jimmy: Done. Time spent together? Melanie Sanders: 8 hours, 5 days a week. Jimmy: 7 hours, 12 hours weekends. Melanie Sanders: 55 hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later. Jimmy: I'm amenable to that. Children? Melanie Sanders: One. Jimmy: Three Melanie Sanders: Two Jimmy: Done. But, one of them has to be a male. Melanie Sanders: I'll see what I can do. Vacation? Jimmy: December, Hawaii. Melanie Sanders: June, the Vineyard. Jimmy: June, fine, but Hawaii. Melanie Sanders: Nope, the Vineyard. Jimmy: Is that a deal breaker for you? Melanie Sanders: I'm afraid so. Jimmy: Me too. Well, we gave it a shot. Melanie Sanders: I'm sure you'll find a better match. Jimmy: Thanks for the time. NewsRadio Lisa: C'mon sir, you've gotta have a few skeletons in your closet Jimmy: Oh, I've got skeletons running around eating leftovers from the fridge, but that doesn't mean you'll find anything. NewsRadio Catherine: My name is Catherine with a C, Katherine with a K is a 2 bit biker slut from Jersey. Dave: Like that cheap hussy Katherine Hepburn. NewsRadio Jimmy: Dave, you need to be thick-skinned. Dave: I am plenty thick-skinned. Jimmy: Please. I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, watch this. [Mr. James lays his hand over a lit candle] Dave: Sir, you don't have to impress me. Jimmy: Wanna know how I can do this? Dave: Wild guess... Thick skin? Jimmy: Metaphysically, yes. Technically, if you do it fifteen, sixteen times, it kills all the nerve endings in your hand. NewsRadio Dave has hired an ex-friend of Beth's to work with her for the day] Dave: What's up? I mean, did she steal your old high school sweetheart or something? Beth: Oh, yes, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know, men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! all hail King Man! [pause] Beth: But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart. NewsRadio [Matthew is opposed to Mr. James' sale of the station] Matthew: Something must be done, Bill. Action must be taken! Bill: Why don't you handcuff yourself to your desk or something? Matthew: Yeah, right, where am I gonna find a pair of handcuffs? [without missing a beat, Bill casually pulls out a pair of handcuffs from his desk drawer]