West Wing - Pilot Mary: I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman. Not any God I pray to. Josh: Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. West Wing - Pilot Sam: No. No. What I was gonna say is this: Is it possible, that in addition to being a law student and part-time bartender, that you are what I'm certain would have to be a very high-priced call girl. I, by the way, making no judgments. West Wing - Pilot Sam: Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now. Would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter. Mallory: That would be me. West Wing - Pilot Laurie: Tell your friend POTUS he's got a funny name, and he should learn how to ride a bicycle. Sam: I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss. And it's not his name, it's his title. Laurie: POTUS? Sam: President of the United States. West Wing - Pilot Toby: Mind-boggling to me that we ever won an election. West Wing - Pilot Van Dyke: Show the average American teenage male a condom and his mind will turn to thoughts of lust. Toby: Show the average American teenage male a lug wrench and his mind'll turn West Wing - Pilot Van Dyke: Show the average American teenage male a condom and his mind will turn to thoughts of lust. Toby: Show the average American teenage male a lug wrench and his mind ll turn... West Wing - Pilot Toby: We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle series L10-11. It came off the line twenty months ago. It carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack? West Wing - Pilot Leo: Margaret, please call the editor of "The New York Times" crossword and tell him that "Khaddafi" is spelled with an "h" and two "d"s, and isn't a seven letter word for anything. Margaret: Is this for real, or is this just funny? Leo: Apparently, it's neither. West Wing - Pilot C.J.: Is there anything I can say except 'The President rode his bicycle into a tree.'? Leo: He hopes never to do it again? C.J.: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree. C.J., what do you want me...'The President, while riding his bicycle on vacation in Jackson, came to a sudden arboreal stop'. What do you want from me? C.J.: A little love, Leo. West Wing - Pilot Leo: He was swerving to avoid a tree. Donna: What happened? Leo: He was unsuccessful. West Wing - Pilot Leo (on the phone): Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You re spelling his name wrong. What s my name? My name doesn t matter. I m just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I m telling you, that I ve met with the man twice, and I ve recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack against his airforce. So, I think I know how to... West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Josh: You want to call her again, don t you? Sam: Look, I really like her, and she s not what you think. Josh: The only thing I know about her is she s a call girl. Is she a call girl? Sam: Yes. Josh: Then so far she s exactly what I think. West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Bartlet: C.J., on your tombstone it's going to read, Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc. C.J.: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone. Bartlet: Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know post hoc, ergo propter hoc? Josh? Josh: Uh, post, after. After hoc. Ergo, therefore. After hoc, therefore something else hoc. Bartlet: Thank you. Next? West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute. Toby: Really? Sam: Yes. Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute? Sam: Call girl. Toby: Accidentally? Sam: Yes. Toby: I don't understand. Did you trip over something? West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning, people, victory is mine! Donna: Good morning, Josh. Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. Donna: It's gonna be an unbearable day. West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Toby: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham. Mrs. Landingham: What age would that be, Toby? Toby: Late twenties? Mrs. Landingham: Attaboy. West Wing - 102 - Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc Mandy: I could kill you with my shoe! West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Josh: I m like a writer on a movie set. Donna: Have you ever been on a movie set? Josh: No, but I hear stories. West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Josh: I really think I m the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! Whoa. That was way too far. C.J: No, no. Well, I ve got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean s-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass! Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.? C.J.: I m a whole new woman. West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Donna: Is it possible that there s a situation involving Sam, a woman, and C.J. being denied information about something? Josh: (realizes what CJ wants with him) Ok. Here s what I m gonna do. Donna: Hide in your office? Josh: No. I m not gonna hide in my office. I m gonna go into my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I m a professional. I m not a little boy. Donna: Hmm. That s the spirit. Josh: But if she calls, I m at the dentist. I ll be back in an hour. Donna: (smirks) Got it. (Josh walks into his office and C.J. is already there) C.J.: (very upset) Wow, are you stupid! West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Toby: Ordinarily we get help from inside Syrian intelligence. Bartlet: So what's the problem? Toby: We just blew up Syrian intelligence. Bartlet: Oh, for God's sake. Somebody get on the phone to CNN and find out if we hit anything. West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Josh: What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning? West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response Jed: There's a delegation of cardiologists having their pictures taken in the Blue Room. You wouldn't think you could find a group of people more arrogant than the fifteen of us, but there they are, right upstairs in the Blue Room. West Wing - 103 - A Proportional Response C.J.: Admiral Fitzwallace is Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Leo McGarry is White House Chief of Staff, I'm your host, C.J.. Let's play our game. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down (referring to the song used to play Bartlet offstage after his speech): Sam: Happy Days Are Here Again? Mandy: He likes it. Sam: Who? Mandy: The President. Sam: Well, we try not to let the President make aesthetic decisions. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Bartlet: You know, you are what my mother calls a pain in the ass. Toby: Well, that's what my mother calls it to. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Josh: You know, I m so sick of Congress I could vomit. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down C.J.: Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills? Bartlet: I don t mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there. Leo: Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet? Bartlet: I wasn t supposed to take em both? West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Donna: You won our award for best gift valued over twenty-five dollars on the financial disclosure report. Josh: Really? Donna: Yeah. Josh: What won it for me? Donna: The 1189 dollar Viennatelli silk smoking jacket from Miss Sarah Wissinger. Josh (remembering): Ah, yes. Donna: You re also the runner up, by the way, with the 345 dollar antique scrimshaw cigarette holder, also from Miss Sarah Wissinger. Josh: Well, Sarah was very fond of me. Donna: I d imagine with that smoking jacket and the cigarette holder, you were quite the dandy. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down CJ: Excuse me, Toby. I'm heading out to lunch and I'm a little short. You wouldn't happen to have $125,000 I could borrow? West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Leo: There are two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Reporter: I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to? C.J.: Secret Service improvements. Reporter: Can you go into detail, please? C.J.: The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Josh: You know, I realize that as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world, and with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid, but we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right? West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Sam: I don't mean to step on your toes, but you might want to rethink marrying the lines, 'Kids are dead! Kids are dead!' and 'Happy Days Are Here Again'. West Wing - 104 - Five Votes Down Mandy: There's always resignation. Jed: Hot damn! Now you're talking! Toby: I think she meant me, Mr. President. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese. Toby: Hmmm. Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I m preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge--over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry. Toby: Leo, wouldn t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can t possibly defend itself against us? Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I m talking about President Andrew Jackson. Sam: Actually, right now, you re talking about a big block of cheese. Leo: And Sam goes on my list! Sam: What about Toby? Leo: I m unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience. Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese. Leo: It is in that spirit... Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn t go on the list? Leo: Mandy s new. Sam: So it s just me... on the list? Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples servants. Josh: [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we re late. Is it Total Crackpot Day again? Leo: Yes, it is. Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Donna: And you don't find that adorable? Josh: That you seek to control me? Donna: Yeah. Josh: Love it. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Cathy:(walks up with mouth full) You know that doughnut sitting on your desk? Sam: You ate it. Cathy: That was predictable, wasn t it? West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Toby: It s Throw Open Our Office Doors To People Who Want To Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About... Day West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women C.J.: Hang on. How are you gonna teach wolves to follow road signs? Man 2: Our scientists are working on a plan. C.J.: Yeah, but in the meantime, Pluie s gonna get drunk and wander off the wolves-only road and end up eating my cat. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Toby: It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are it. Bartlet: Give me an example. Toby: In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and CJ, you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna. Bartlet: She did. Toby: It was Steffi Graf. Bartlet: I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her. Toby: You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me? West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Leo: I'm the only one in the room who isn't an economist but the annual budget should be in balance, deficit or surplus. I don't know how I can sell Congress, to say nothing of people who graduated eighth grade, on the idea there's anything in between. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Bartlet: Ten years ago, the Federal budget had a deficit of 22 billion dollars but the national debt rose from 5.2 trillion to 5.4 trillion in the same fiscal year Economist: You knew those figures in your head? Leo: The President's startlingly freakish that way. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women Sam: Because there are levels, and an order to our Air Force Command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels. Bob: Like what? Sam: Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy. West Wing - 105 - The Crackpots and These Women C.J.: There's an article I want you to read in The New Yorker. Josh: What's it about? C.J.: Smallpox. Josh: The disease? C.J.: No, the dessert topping, Josh. West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio Toby: Do you call or raise, sir? Bartlet: There are three words in the English language and three words only that begin with the letters dw. Josh: This is a pretty good illustration of why we get nothing done. West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio In response to Josh's earlier speach to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surpluss. Josh: Donna? How much were the sandwiches? Donna: $12.95 Josh: I gave you a twenty. Donna: Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you. Josh: That was nice. That was a little parable. Donna:I want my money back. West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio Josh: The president's daughter, the chief of staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar, and Sam. What could possibly go wrong? West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio Toby: What's to stop us from saying we don't need elections? We'll just use polling data -- 1,150 people with a sampling error of plus or minus three will decide who runs the country. Joe: I thought about that. Toby: And? Joe: It's okay by me, as long as it's not the same people who decide what's on television. West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio Sam: You see how good it feels to know what you're talking about? C.J.: And you see how I'm able to do it without being patronizing? Sam: What happened to "You look good today."? C.J.: I got over it. West Wing - 106 - Mr. Willis of Ohio Sam: Let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party, and embrace the idea that you showed up at all. West Wing - 107 - The State Dinner Mandy (when Josh doesn't seem to know anything about what's going on): What is it you do here exactly? Josh: It's never really been made clear to me West Wing - 107 - The State Dinner Sam: Do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then tell them exactly how to run their lives? Toby: Absolutely. Otherwise, it's just a waste of food. West Wing - 107 - The State Dinner Bartlet (annoyed at Senor Siguto's one word answers): I can't decide if that man is boring or rude, but he's one or the other. West Wing - 107 - The State Dinner Mandy: It really bugs you that the President listens to me sometimes. Josh: Yes, but you shouldn't take it personally. It bugs me when the President listens to anyone who isn't me. West Wing - 107 - The State Dinner Laurie: I'm not here because of you. I'm just here because I'm here. I would be here whether you were here or not. You're just some guy who happens to know me. Sam: Thank you. Laurie: I didn't ... you know what I mean. Sam: No. Could you keep talking about being here and not being here until blood starts pouring out of my ears? West Wing - 108 - Enemies Sam: You're asking me out on a date. Mallory: I'm asking you to accompany me to the Beijing Opera tonight. Sam: How is this not a date? Mallory: There will be, under no circumstances, any sex for you tonight. Sam: Well,like most people I'm an absolute nut for Chinese opera and with your guarantee there will be no sex, I don't see how I can refuse. West Wing - 108 - Enemies Bartlet: We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think? Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body. Bartlet: What was that? Josh: Did I say that out loud? West Wing - 108 - Enemies Leo (annoyed at his daughter): I had an opportunity to give you up for adoption. West Wing - 108 - Enemies Bartlet: I find these [Cabinet] meetings to be a fairly mind-numbing experience, but Leo assures me they are Constitutionally required. West Wing - 108 - Enemies Josh: You're quite a nerd, Mr. President. West Wing - 109 - The Short List Leo: Where is C.J.? C.J. (from behind him): Right here. Leo: You should wear a bell around your neck, you know that? West Wing - 109 - The Short List Toby: C.J., no leaks. If the name of this nominee is leaked out before I want it to be leaked out, I'm going to blame you, and you're going to find that unpleasant. C.J.: I've got to tell you something, Toby. You're hot when you're like this. West Wing - 109 - The Short List Jed: Which one of you is the man? Toby: On this one, we'd like to think of ourselves collectively as da men, sir. West Wing - 109 - The Short List Josh: Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you that are stoned right now, it's time to share. West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo Josh: Could you stop looking at me with the face-- Donna: It's my face. Josh: --like I just killed your hamster. West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo C.J.: My Secret Service name is Flamingo. Danny: That's nice. C.J: I have to go feed my fish. West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo Donna: You haven't bought me a Christmas gift yet. Josh: No. Donna: It's because you're agonizing over how to express your affection. Josh: Actually, it's more how I can spend ten dollars. Donna: I have a list. Josh: Ski boots, ski hats, ski pants, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles... I'm assuming you already have skis. Donna: Page two. West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo Leo (while signing cards): Who's this for? Margaret (looking at list): Elizabeth. Leo: Who the hell is that? Margaret: Your sister. West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo Margaret (presenting cards for Leo's signature): We like to spread holiday cheer. Leo: Who the hell is this guy, and why do I care if he has a Merry Christmas? Margaret: Just sign the damn thing! West Wing - 110 - In Excelsis Deo Leo (at the bookstore): Well, nothing says Christmas like animal fables in iambic verse." West Wing - 111 - Lord John Marbury Bartlet: How was your flight? Marbury: Intoxicating. Leo: So I see. Marbury: ...What is your take on the situation? Bartlet: The world is coming apart at the seams. Marbury: Well, then thank God you sent for me. West Wing - 111 - Lord John Marbury Bartlet (as events go badly): And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me please. Charlie: Yes, sir. West Wing - 111 - Lord John Marbury Bartlet: My daughter asked you out? Charlie: Yes, sir. Bartlet: I should have locked her up in a dungeon. Charlie: I don't think you have one, sir. Bartlet: I could have built one. West Wing - 111 - Lord John Marbury CIA Director: We dropped the ball. Bartlet: Pick it up again, would you? West Wing - 111 - Lord John Marbury Josh: I've been subpoenaed. Mrs. Landingham: Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie? West Wing - 112 - He Shall, from Time to Time Bartlet: We meant "stronger" here, right? Sam: What's it say? Bartlet: 'I'm proud to report that our country is stranger than it was a year ago. Sam: That's a typo. Bartlet: Could go either way. West Wing - 112 - He Shall, from Time to Time Bartlet: You know, I was watching a television program before with a sort of, uh, roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends, apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. Then they brought the boyfriends out and they all fought right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they? Toby: I wouldn't think so, no, sir. West Wing - 113 - Take Out the Trash Day Sam: Leo, did you know there's a town in Alabama that wants to (abolish all laws except the Ten Commandments)... Leo: Yes. Sam: What do you think? Leo:Coveting thy neighbour's wife's gonna cause some problems. Sam: That's what I said. Plus, if I were arrested for coveting my neighbor's wife, I'd probably bear false witness. West Wing - 113 - Take Out the Trash Day Mrs. Landingham: Would you like to share what's in that report, sir? Bartlet: With you? Mrs. Landingham: Yes. Bartlet: No. Mrs. Landingham: May I ask why not, sir? Bartlet: Because I'd rather not be in therapy for the rest of my life. West Wing - 113 - Take Out the Trash Day Donna: What's "Take Out the Trash Day"? Josh: Friday. Donna: I mean what is it? Josh: Any stories we have to give the press that we're not wild about we give all in a lump on Friday. Donna: Why do you do it in a lump? Josh: Instead of one at a time? Donna: I'd think you'd want to spread them out. Josh: They've got X column inches to fill, right? They're gonna fill them no matter what. Donna: Yes. Josh: So if we give them one story, that story's X column inches. Donna: And if we give them 5 stories... Josh: They're a fifth the size. Donna: Why do you do it on Friday? Josh: Because no one reads the paper on Saturday. Donna: You guys are real populists, aren't you? West Wing - 113 - Take Out the Trash Day C.J.: Well what are they recommending? Josh: Something called Abstinence Plus. C.J.: ...What's that mean? Josh: Well, Sam's renamed it, "Everything But". C.J.: "Everything But"...And so the "sticky wicket" joke was... Josh: A regrettable pun. West Wing - 115 - Celestial Navigation C.J. (with cotton in her mouth): I'll have Carol cancel the briefing. Josh: No, we're still doing it. C.J.: Who? Josh: Me. C.J.: No way. Josh: C.J. C.J.: You get hostile. Josh: I get hot stuff? C.J.: Hostile. Hostile. You get hostile. Josh: I don't get hostile. I don't get randomly hostile. I...I get hostile when hostility is called for. C.J.: Let Sam do it. Josh: Sam went to Foggy bottom. C.J.: What's he doing in Fwoggy Bottom? Josh (giggling): I just wanted to see if I could make you say "Foggy Bottom". Sam's working with the speech writers. West Wing - 115 - Celestial Navigation Josh: The President spoke briefly. The President has never spoken briefly in his life West Wing - 115 - Celestial Navigation Bartlet (following Josh's disastrous attempt to substitute for the ailing C.J.): C.J., if you are gushing blood from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you will do the press briefing. West Wing - 115 - Celestial Navigation Bartlet: You said you'd fix it. Leo: I did fix it. Bartlet: It's broken again West Wing - 115 - Celestial Navigation Leo: Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations, what's the word... Toby: Catastrophes? Leo: Incidents, in the few hours you were away last night. West Wing - 116 - 20 Hours in L.A. Josh (about the President): How's he doing in there? Sam: Oh, he's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to kill himself. West Wing - 116 - 20 Hours in L.A. Bartlet: Is there an epidemic of flag burning going on that I'm not aware of? West Wing - 116 - 20 Hours in L.A. Toby: I just figured out who you were. Kiefer: He's gonna say Satan. Toby: No, you're the guy that runs into the 7-11 to get Satan a pack of cigarettes. West Wing - 116 - 20 Hours in L.A. Toby: I'm not coming in the car? Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole. Toby: I didn't! Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it. Toby: Fair enough. West Wing - 117 - The White House Pro-Am Bartlet: Danny, you must save me from having this conversation with my wife ... Or at least see to it that I am better armed when I inevitably do. Danny: ... I'll get in trouble with the First Lady. Bartlet: Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made. West Wing - 117 - The White House Pro-Am Bartlet (to C.J.): But, try to find out who those friends of my wife's are in the wire piece and take them out back and have them shot. Can I do that? Leo: Yeah. Bartlet: Yeah, Leo says I can do that. West Wing - 117 - The White House Pro-Am Danny: How are you doing, Mrs. Landingham? Mrs. Landingham: Fine. Danny: You're glancing over like l'll steal something. Mrs. Landingham: I'm not used to having the media here. Danny: l'll try not to get ink on the chair. Mrs. Landingham: l was about to offer you a cookie. Danny: And now? Mrs. Landingham: No. West Wing - 117 - The White House Pro-Am Donna (about a book on life in America 100 years ago): Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into a woman's drinking water. Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman's sexual desire? Donna: It can get outta hand! West Wing - 117 - The White House Pro-Am Leo (about a book on life in America 100 years ago): Marijuana, heroin, morphine were all available over the counter at drug stores. According to one pharmacist, heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health. Now they tell me. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Mallory: Wow. Sam: What? Mallory: For a guy who's trying to date me, that was pretty snotty. Sam: Well, hang on. These are office hours. If I'd know I was working on that I would have had a whole different attitude. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Mallory: How could you write that position paper? Sam: Which position paper? Mallory: Don't play dumb with me. Sam: No, honestly I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Gina: I'm gonna look through an FBI photo album of teenage Nazis. CJ: Why? Gina: I'm on a break. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Mandy: I think we should get a panda bear. Josh: You say that now, but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Margaret: Hey, Toby. Toby: Hey there, Margaret. Margaret: You all right? Toby: Of course I'm all right. Why wouldn't I be? Margaret: You don't usually say "Hey there Margaret." Toby: What do I usually say? Margaret: You usually growl something inaudible. Toby: Not today... You on the other hand should turn that frown upside down. Margaret: Excuse me? Toby: Let a smile be your umbrella. Margaret: Okay, now you're scaring the crap out of me. (They walk off in separate directions.) Toby singing: Gray skies are going to clear up... Hi Bobby. Put on a happy face. Hi Janet. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Toby: You're talking to me during "The Jackal"?! West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Bartlet (quoting from a book by George Washinton): "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered." C.J.: Well, I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President. West Wing - 118 - Six Meetings Before Lunch Sam: It's my day of jubilee. Mallory: I despise you and everything you stand for. Sam: All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that's all right. West Wing - 119 - Let Bartlet Be Bartlet Mrs. Landingham: You don't get enough roughage. Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage. I know that for damn sure. Mrs. Landingham: Once again, you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all presidential. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Andrea: Toby, are you upset that I went out on a date, or are you upset that I went out on a date with someone who plays in the same division as the Yankees. Toby: Honest to God, I'm not sure. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Toby: We need hispanics. You know what state has a large population of hispanics? Josh: Uh, I want to say Maine, but, uh... Toby: California. Josh: California. Damn, and I was only off by a continent. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Reporter: Is the President declaring war on Congress? C.J.: The president isn't empowered to declare war. I call it more of a police action. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Bartlet: Let me tell you what I would like to have happen right now. Josh (arriving): Good evening, Mr. President. Bartlet: Josh walking in the door wasn't even close. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Sam: Is that what you meant when you said, "You're completely in charge on this?" Toby: Yes, I meant you're in charge, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way. West Wing - 120 - Mandatory Minimums Steve: My boss is ready to set the building on fire. Sam: Then your boss will be arrested, as I'm quite sure that's against the law. West Wing - 121 - Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him. Bartlet: To what? Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay. Bartlet: And what happenes to the ambassador to Paraguay? Sam: You make him ambassador to Bulgaria. Bartlet: I like this. If everybody keeps moving up one, I get to go home. West Wing - 121 - Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Cochran: I think it would be appropriate at this time to make a confession. I never voted for you. Bartlet: Well, thanks for trying, but here I am anyway. West Wing - 121 - Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics Bartlet: Let me just tell you, I need a favor. I need you to hire a guy. Mitchell: Who sir? Bartlet: A former ambassador to Bulgaria. Mitchell: Who is that, sir? Bartlet: Ken Cochran. Mitchell: Well, isn't Ken Cochran the current ambassador to Bulgaria? Bartlet: Not for long. Look, he's a good man, a smart man, I think he'd make a very good corporate officer. Mitchell: Why is he being fired, sir? Bartlet: Gross incompetence. I'll be right back. West Wing - 122 - What Kind of Day Has It Been? Bartlet: Hey, Steve. Hey, Mikey. Listen, have I gotten any of the names right so far? Charlie: No, sir, but you came damn close on a couple of 'em. Bartlet: Okay.