What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Woody Allen: They wanted in Hollywood to make the definitive spy picture. And they came to me to supervise the project, you know, because I think that, if you know me at all, you know that death is my bread and danger my butter - oh, no, danger's my bread, and death is my butter. No, no, wait. Danger's my bread, death - no, death is - no, I'm sorry. Death is my - death and danger are my various breads and various butters. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 High Macha Of Rashpur: They kill, they maim and they call information for numbers they could easily look up in the book. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Phil Moscowitz: Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly! What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Majah: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Majah of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country. Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh. Majah: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Wing Fat: Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Shepherd Wong: That's too bad. I was going to marry her. I already put a deposit on twin cemetery plots. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Phil Moscowitz: No bullets? Ah, but if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies will clap your hands, then my gun will be magically filled with bullets. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Phil Moscowitz: I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Suki Yaki: I managed to find this dress in there, but no underwear. Phil Moscowitz: No underwear? I find that very interesting. Suki Yaki: Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress. Phil Moscowitz: Oh, neither do I. I feel exactly the same way. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 High Macha Of Rashpur: [displaying a printed floor plan] This is Shepherd Wong's home. Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper? What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Phil Moscowitz: Nothing much to report... oh, somebody tried to shoot me during the credits. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Wing Fat: This is my mother. We're very close. Isn't she sweet? And the best thing about her is: she can really take a punch. [punches her] What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Shepherd Wong: I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing Fool, you fat! I mean... it's Wing Fat, you fool! What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 The Interviewer: Woody, since the story is a bit difficult to follow, would you mind giving the audience and myself a brief rundown on what's gone on so far? Woody Allen: [casually] No. What's Up, Tiger Lily? - 1966 Cab Driver: [After being told by Phil to take him to "The Kiddnapers"] Did you say kiddnapp! Phil Moscowitz: Yeah, that's right. Cab Driver: Alright, but first it's time for a little sight seeing. Coming up on your right is the world renoun factory where the broken Japanese toys are made. Take the Money and Run Bank Teller #1: Does this look like "gub" or "gun"? Bank Teller #2: Gun. See? But what does "abt" mean? Virgil: It's "act". A-C-T. Act natural. Please put fifty thousand dollars into this bag and act natural. Bank Teller #1: Oh, I see. This is a holdup? Take the Money and Run Narrator: Food on a chain gang is scarce and not very nourishing. The men get one hot meal a day: a bowl of steam. Take the Money and Run Virgil: After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse. Don't Drink the Water Walter Hollander: I don't eat oysters. You have to eat them alive. I like my food dead. Not sick, not wounded -- dead! Bananas Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Bananas Fielding Mellish: You're busy tonight? Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies. Fielding Mellish: You need an usher? Bananas Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark? Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican. Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome. Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark. Bananas Rebel Leader: You are accused of killing over a thousand innocent civilians. How do you plead? Government Soldier: Guilty... but with an explanation. Bananas Fielding Mellish: Blood! That should be on the inside! Bananas Fielding Mellish: You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department. Bananas Fielding Mellish: When is the revolution? Esposito: Six months. Fielding Mellish: Six months? I have a rented car! Bananas Fielding Mellish: Doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting. Bananas Nancy: May I ask... what do you do? Fielding Mellish: I'm a product tester for a large corporation. I make sure products are safe and practical. Today I tested an exercise machine, and an electrically warm toilet seat for cold days. Bananas Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic. Nancy: I know just what you mean! Bananas Fielding Mellish: You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you? Nancy: Oh, Women's Lib do not automatically mean castration. [Fielding reacts with great pain, doubling over] Fielding Mellish: Oooh, don't say that word! Now I've got to walk around like this for two days! Nancy: Oh, I know! You know, I'm the same way on that word "appendicitis". Ooh. Fielding Mellish: Oooh, but "castration"...! Nancy: "Castration", "appendicitis", either one! Bananas Fielding Mellish: I love you, I love you. Nancy: Oh, say it in French! Oh, please, say it in French! Fielding Mellish: I don't know French. Nancy: Oh, please... please! Fielding Mellish: What about Hebrew? Nancy: [disappointed] Oh. Bananas Fielding Mellish: I had a good relationship with my parents. They rarely every h-... I think they hit me only once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44. Bananas [Fielding is talking to a psychiatrist] Fielding Mellish: I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself... Bananas Nancy: I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding... Fielding Mellish: Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me? Bananas Nancy: I want to work with pygmies in Africa! I want to work with lepers in a leper colony! I don't think that you... Fielding Mellish: I'm willing to...! No, it's perfectly okay with me! I like leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera! I like all the major skin diseases! Bananas Nancy: You're immature, Fielding. Fielding Mellish: [whining] How am I immature? Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually. Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways? Bananas Fielding Mellish: Jesus, life is so cruel! [Fielding slams the locker door on his friend's fingers, who doubles over in pain] Fielding Mellish: See what I mean? Bananas Fielding Mellish: We fell in love. Well, I fell in love - she just stood there. Bananas Fielding Mellish: I move for a mistrial! This is discrimination! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on the jury? Judge: Yes there is. Fielding Mellish: Really, which one? Is it the big guy on the end? Bananas [first lines] Don Dunphy: Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the republic of San Marcos where we are going to bring you a live on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship. Bananas Howard Cosell: The door opens. It's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns and runs back to the building. The crowd has gone wild. He is caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente! Bananas Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old! Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket? Bananas Fielding Mellish: I'm not suited to this job. Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job I have some aptitude for, like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab. Bananas Esposito: You have a chance to die for freedom. Fielding Mellish: Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life. Bananas Fielding Mellish: [nervously speaking at a fundraiser dinner, while posing as the San Marcos president] Although the United States is a very rich country, and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there... there are locusts. We have more locusts. There are locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos. Now then, despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he... he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin. Bananas Nancy: Can... can you, like, define the meaning of love? Fielding Mellish: What do you... define... it's love! I love you! I... I want you in a way of cherishing your... your... your totality and your otherness, and... and in the sense of a presence, and a being, and a whole coming and a going in a room with grapefruit, and... and love of a thing of nature in a sense of not wanting or being jealous of the thing that a person possesses. Nancy: Do you have any gum? Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Bogart: Somewheres in life you got turned around; it's HER job to smell good for YOU. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer. Allan: I don't have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn't it? Museum Girl: Yes, it is. Allan: What does it say to you? Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos. Allan: What are you doing Saturday night? Museum Girl: Committing suicide. Allan: What about Friday night? Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night? Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: Yeah, I get that. Linda: What is it, fear or anxiety? Allan: Homosexual panic. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I had to go to Washington once when I was married, and even though I was the one leaving, I got sick; and when I returned, my wife threw up. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Nancy: Don't listen to him! Bogart: Don't listen to HER! Allan: Fellas, we're in a supermarket. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I can't do it. How does it look? I invite her over and then come on like a sex degenerate. What am I, a rapist? Bogart: Your getting carried away. You think too much. Just do it. Allan: We're platonic friends. I can't spoil that by coming on. She'll slap my face. Bogart: Oh, I've had my face slapped plenty of times. Allan: Yeah, but your glasses don't go flying across the room. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I have met a lot of dames, but you are REALLY something special. Linda: Really? Allan: [to Bogart] She bought it! Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I'll get broads up here like you wouldn't believe: swingers, freaks, nymphomaniacs, dental hygienists. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Dick: I'll be at 362-9296 for a while; then I'll be at 648-0024 for about fifteen minutes; then I'll be at 752-0420; and then I'll be home, at 621-4598. Yeah, right George, bye-bye. Linda: There's a phone booth on the corner. You want me to run downstairs and get the number? You'll be passing it. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: You want a Fresca with a Darvon? Linda: Unless you have apple juice. Allan: Apple juice and Darvon is fantastic together! Linda: Have you ever had Librium and tomato juice? Allan: No, I haven't personally, but another neurotic tells me they're unbelievable. Dick: Could I get a coke with nothing in it? Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life. Linda: That's beautiful! Allan: It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I guess the secret's not being you, it's being ME. True, you're not too tall and kind of ugly, but what the hell? I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. Bogart: Here's looking at you, kid. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: I'm so excited, I think I'll brush all my teeth today! Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Dick: Who were these guys? Allan: Oh, they said they were hairdressers, hard to believe though. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Linda: Would you like us to call a doctor? Allan: No, no, I could use a 3 foot band-aid. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: This is a beautiful beach house. Linda: Thank you. Allan: Yeah, let's burn it down for the insurance money. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: Here, I got you a present because it's your birthday. Linda: How'd you know? Allan: Well, you mentioned the date and I remembered because it's the same day my mother had her hysterectomy. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Linda: Allan, the world is full of eligible women. Allan: Yeah, but not like Nancy. She was a lovely thing. I used to lay in bed at night and watch her sleep. Once in a while she would wake up and catch me. She would let out a scream. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Dick: Allan, you have invested your emotions in a losing stock, it was wiped out, it dropped off the board. Now what do you do Allan? You reinvest. Maybe in a more stable stock. Something with long term growth possibilities. Allan: Who are you going to fix me up with, General Motors? Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Dick: You know any other girls? Linda: I don't know if any of my friends are his type. I mean, most of the girls I know are fairly normal. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Linda: I feel some sort of a mystical attraction for Van Gogh. Why is that? Allan: I don't know. I just know he was a great painter and he cut off an ear for a girl that he loved. Linda: That's the kind of thing you would do for a girl. Allan: I'd really have to like her a lot. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Dick: What? You got into a fight? Allan: Yep. Dick: With who? Allan: Some guys were getting tough with Julie. I had to teach them a lesson. Dick: Are you all right? Allan: Yeah, I'm fine. I snapped my chin down onto some guy's fist and hit another one in the knee with my nose. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Nancy: You're a dreamer. You're awkward. You're clumsy. They can see how desperate you are. You know this. You said it yourself. Oh, face it, Allan. You may be very sweet but you're not sexy. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Allan: You were fantastic last night in bed. Linda: Oh, thanks. Allan: How do you feel now? Linda: I think the Pepto Bismol helped. Play It Again, Sam - 1972 Bogart: Now move closer to her. Allan: How close? Bogart: The length of your lips. Allan: That's very close. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her. Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long? Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman. Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife? Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds. Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky! Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Fool: My father! You who died in childbirth! Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing." Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there? Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Queen: Kiss me quick! The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick? Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body. The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 [the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom] The King: [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss. The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch! Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 [The King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress] The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife? Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 [Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters] Mrs. Ross: [upset] How could you? Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 [Dr. Ross is in divorce court] Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Woods County Sheriff: [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast. Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup. Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Helen Lacey: You're insane! Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once! Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask - 1972 Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous! Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: I haven't seen my analyst in 200 years. He was a strict Freudian. If I'd been going all this time, I'd probably almost be cured by now. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey. Sleeper - 1973 Luna Schlosser: I think we should have had sex, but there weren't enough people. Sleeper - 1973 Luna Schlosser: I'm great physically. I got a Ph.D. in oral sex. Miles Monroe: Yeah, they make you take any Spanish with that? Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants. Sleeper - 1973 [last lines] Luna Schlosser: Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't believe that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh? Miles Monroe: Right. Luna Schlosser: So then, what do you believe in? Miles Monroe: Sex and death - two things that come once in a lifetime... but at least after death, you're not nauseous. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: My brain! It's my second favorite organ! Sleeper - 1973 [a 22nd century historian shows Miles a videotape of Howard Cosell] Historian: We weren't sure at first what to make of this, but we developed a theory: we feel that when people committed great crimes against the state, they were forced to watch this. Miles Monroe: Yes. That's exactly what it was. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said "rabies." She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a great dane. Sleeper - 1973 [Miles holds a gun to a disembodied nose] Miles Monroe: Don't take another step or the president gets it between the eyes. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: Perform sex? Uh, uh, I don't think I'm up to a performance, but I'll rehearse with you, if you like. Luna Schlosser: Okay. I just thought you might want to; they have a machine here. Miles Monroe: Machine? I'm not getting into that thing. I, I'm strictly a hand operator; you know, I, I... I don't like anything with moving parts that are not my own. Sleeper - 1973 Luna Schlosser: It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for 200 years. Miles Monroe: 204, if you count my marriage. Sleeper - 1973 Luna Schlosser: Miles, do you know that "God" spelled backwards is "dog"? Miles Monroe: So? Luna Schlosser: It makes you think. Miles Monroe: Luna, help me push the car. Sleeper - 1973 Miles: You're a sucker. What you didn't realize is that you're dealing with one of the greatest minds you've ever seen. Luna: Yeah, and his isn't so bad either! Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: We're here to see the nose. I hear it was running. Sleeper - 1973 Dr. Melik: [puzzling over list of items sold at Miles' old health-food store] ... wheat germ, organic honey and... tiger's milk. Dr. Aragon: Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties. Dr. Melik: You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or... hot fudge? Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Those were thought to be unhealthy... precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true. Dr. Melik: Incredible! Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: Where am I anyhow, I mean, what happened to everybody, where are all my friends? Dr. Aragon: You must understand that everyone you knew in the past has been dead nearly two hundred years. Miles Monroe: But they all ate organic rice! Sleeper - 1973 [Miles gets to look at some pictures to identify the people on them] Miles Monroe: This was Josef Stalin. He was a communist, I was not too crazy about him, had a bad mustache, lot of bad habits. This is Bela Lugosi. he was, he was the mayor of New York city for a while, you can see what it did to him there, you know. This is, uhm, this is, uh, Charles DeGaulle, he, he was a very famous French chef, had his own television show, showed you how to make souflets and omelettes and everything. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security. Sleeper - 1973 Miles Monroe: You remind me of Lisa Sorenson Luna Schlosser: Who? Miles Monroe: An old girlfriend from the village. A Trotskyite, who became a Jesus freak, and was arrested for selling pornographic connect-the-dot books. Sleeper - 1973 Luna Schlosser: You have to give yourself up! They won't hurt you. They'll re-structure your brain. Miles Monroe: Hey, nobody touches my brain; they may drop it. Then I'll talk like Mr. Lepidus who got hit by lightning.